Abundance

I love the rare moments when words spill freely from my thoughts onto paper.  An abundance of words forming complete sentences on a clean slate, filling gaps and stringing paragraphs; an intricate map leading to a treasure-trove of ingenuity.

I love the excitement of a completed piece of work worthy of a once-over.

No matter how lost and downtrodden your life appears to be, always follow your heart and your passion .

Elizabethtown

Whenever I'm in a rut and hating life, I take refuge in a favorite book (Letters to a Young Poet by Rilke or perhaps Siddhartha by Hesse), a favorite CD (Rent, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, or Madonna's Ray of Light among others), or an uplifting DVD, in this case Elizabethtown.

I love this movie!  It never fails to make me feel better about life and the circumstances I find myself in.  The message of the film from my point of view is to embrace the beauty of life in spite of its flaws, to move past our so-called failures, and to see the bigger picture- that there's no issue too big, too difficult or too humiliating which we cannot overcome.  That somehow, it's really not that bad.  You're not that bad off.  Life isn't as bad as we perceive it to be.  And hell, things could definitely be worse than they are, but they aren't.  It's all about perception and what you do with all those lemons thrown at you from time to time.  Like the saying goes, if life hands you lemons, then make lemonade.  Maybe add a shot of vodka and some syrup, then enjoy!

Sigh.  In juxtaposition with the dire events in the world today, my life isn't as bad as I thought it was.  And I'm grateful to be alive...

On a lighter note, I finally purchased my Brandi Carlile ticket!  YAY!  I can hardly wait to see her perform live!  I love her music!

Nothing is as bad as you initially perceive it to be.  Take a step back and see the bigger picture.  It helps to breathe...

RENT

I saw RENT at the Ovation in the Green Valley Ranch tonight to benefit Golden Rainbow, and my heart soared with happiness and nostalgia.  It's been a while since I saw RENT or any musical on stage for that matter, so it felt akin to Christmas morning or mind-blowing sex to have had the pleasure of seeing two of my favorite musicals within days of one another- RENT and Hedwig and the Angry Inch!  Christmas definitely came early for me this year, and I'm betting there's a beautiful nympho waiting for me under the tree!  =)

I absolutely love the message of RENT- "No day but today."  Sometimes, I forget that the present is much more important than what may come and what has come to pass, and I find myself dwelling on how I could have done things differently or how I could make things come about, all the while bypassing the part about living in the here and now.  The truth is life has no guarantees except this very moment.  Sigh.  Life is so very precious, and our time on this earth fleeting...Enjoy every moment.

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn

There is no future
There is no past
Thank God this moment's not the last

There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret-- or life is yours to miss.
No other road
No other way
No day but today

There's only yes
Only tonight
We must let go
To know what is alright
No other course
No other way
No day but today

I can't control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only hope
is just to be

There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today

- "No Day But Today" from RENT

P.S.  Pilita Danesh, the actress who played Mimi in this production of RENT, was brilliant!  She's stunning, talented, and intelligent (she's a Harvard grad), and I loved her rendition of "Without You."  I hope to see more of her talent in future productions.

No regrets, baby!

On a Hedwig High

A dose of Hedwig and the Angry Inch was exactly what I needed to get out of the slump I've been in since the break up.  I'm so happy I could cry!  I haven't been this happy in ages, and I'm relishing every minute of it.  I'm on a Hedwig high!

As I mentioned in an earlier post, the last time I saw Hedwig on stage was on January 29, 2000 at the Jane Street Theatre in New York City.  I will always remember that particular performance because John Cameron Mitchell returned to the stage to play Hedwig that night.  Needless to say, it was a brilliant performance.  And tonight's performance was brilliant in its own right because it jogged memories of my life in NYC and it inspired me to embrace all that I am and all that I once loved, but somehow forgot as time went by.  Sigh.  I'm on a natural high, and I owe it all to Hedwig.

Why did I ever give up my passion and interests?  Why did I ever leave me behind?  Why did I lose myself in the hustle and bustle of everyday life?  Why did I compromise parts of me for a relationship that would never stand the test of time?  Why did I let myself go?  Why did I allow myself to die a little each day I wasn't true to myself?  Why did I live an inauthentic existence for so long?  Why, why, why?!?!?!

Sigh.  Never again will I give up parts of myself.  Never again will I lose myself.  Never again will I compromise my existence, my happiness, my wants, my needs.  Never again will I accept anything less than who and what I am.  Never again will I accept a warped version of myself reflected in someone else's eyes.  Never again...

Always remember who you are and embrace what makes you whole.  No half-truths, no compromises...

A Dose of Hedwig, a Shot of Brandi, and a Taste of Tabrett

I'm going to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch at The Onyx tonight, and I'm ecstatic about seeing this musical on stage again!  The last time I saw Hedwig was in NYC in 1999-2000 at the Jane Street Theatre.  Those were the days...sigh.

Yesterday's tragic events in Japan brought me to tears.  My prayers go out to those affected by the earthquake and tsunami.  I'm grateful that my family in Hawai'i are safe.

On a lighter note, thoughts do become things!  I desperately wanted to see Brandi Carlile in concert, and last night I discovered that she'll be performing at the Hard Rock in May!  Squee!   I'm absolutely thrilled!  She's a brilliant musician, and I can't wait to see her perform live!  *doing my happy dance*

That's another item I can cross off my bucket list...

Breathe feel love
Give free
Know in your soul
Like your blood knows the way
From your heart to your brain
Knows that you're whole

- "Midnight Radio"

Hedwig and the Angry Inch

P.S.  Tabrett Bethell has been cast in the new ABC series Poe, an investigative crime drama centered around famed author and poet Edgar Allan Poe.  SQUEEE!!!  Life keeps getting better and better!

Positive thoughts, positive actions, positive results!

The Law of Attraction

So I came across the documentary The Secret the other day, which is all about the law of attraction.  Basically, The Secret reveals that "thoughts become things."  Therefore, we must choose our thoughts carefully.

Interesting...

Here are some of my thoughts:

I want to be a successful published writer of best-selling novels.  I want to be famous and adored.  I want to be filthy rich.  I want to be able to share my wealth with those who are in need.  I want to be able to make a difference in this world and in this lifetime.

I want to travel the world and experience every good thing it has to offer.

I want to truly be in love and to experience great passion for another.  I want to find my soulmate, the one person who truly understands me and loves me unconditionally, and I want to share my life with her.  I want her to feel the same way I do, and I want us to live happily ever after until the end of our time.

I want to love myself and the life I lead.  I want to love life.

I want to live without reservation, inhibitions, and qualms.  I want to live unfettered by internal demons and external forces.  I want to live.

On a lighter side:

I want to engage in a candid chat with Madonna over a cup of brilliant-tasting tea.

I want to know Tabrett Bethell intimately and attest to the form-fitting nature of Cara's red Mord'Sith leather suit.  *swoon*

I want to win the lottery and Megabucks more than once.

I want to lose the extra baggage, both physically and emotionally, through good diet, exercise, and positive social stimulation (i.e., lots of passionate sex with beautiful women).  *giggles*

I want a personal library filled with my favorite books (all of them signed first editions, mind you).

I want to engage in philosophical conversations and actually hold up my end of it.

I want to be an excellent gamer.

I want to run a marathon and finish within a reasonable time.

I want to surround myself with family and friends who are supportive, trustworthy, loyal, and dependable.

I want a ZipPac and Zippy's chilli.

I want to attend a Brandi Carlile concert.

I want to finish writing my stories.

Hey, it doesn't hurt to think positive thoughts.  After all, there maybe some truth to this law of attraction theory.

The Branding

I had my first bitter taste of being single yesterday.  I was sitting on a bench outside the movie theaters, patiently waiting for a movie to begin by engaging in some people-watching, when a sweet elderly woman from Wisconsin sat next to me and sparked up a conversation.  She mostly talked about her sons, a specific bachelor son, the farm she lives on, and her snowbird status.  I mostly listened, fascinated at having met someone, anyone new without even trying on my part.  It was refreshing and quite interesting.  But then the conversation turned to me...

She asked if I were waiting to see a movie and if I were waiting for someone to see the movie with.  I smiled and answered promptly, not realizing the trap I was walking headfirst into.  I said, "Yes, I'm waiting for my movie to start" and "No, I'm not waiting for anyone."  Then her next words cut me deep-"My you're a brave one."  The smile on her face seemed to falter a bit, and I tasted the bitterness of my...status.  My single status, that is.  And thus began the branding...

To make matters extremely worse, she's been having a wonderful time being single again.  She's been hitting the nightlife and making new friends, even going on a few dates (filled with the kind of drama she seems to be craving nowadays).  I'm far from jealous...I'm simply disappointed.  One of the reasons she gave me for the break up was she wanted to go out more and make new friends, to socialize, and I didn't.  I don't want to hit the clubs; my clubbing days are over, and I never enjoyed the meat-packing scene anyway...although I did enjoy the dancing.  I also refused to meet her superficial friends after the horrible stories she's shared with me (i.e., the gay Alex who determines point-blank whether you're hot or not, branding you for life).  Call me anti-social, I guess...But it doesn't really matter now.  It's over.  We're over.  She's doing great, and I'm...well I'm just peachy.

Seriously.

On a lighter note, I had a dream in which my Auntie Perle made an appearance.  It was odd as I haven't dreamed of her in a long while, but it was comforting nonetheless.  During difficult and trying times in my past, I always sought her out, hoping her wisdom and courage would console and inspire me.  Sigh.  I miss her.

I must embrace this newfound freedom...

Classic

I'm currently watching "All About Eve," a film I've heard a lot about, but never got around to watching.  That Eve is a BITCH!  And Bette Davis...what can I say?  She's a classic, an icon, and her eyes...They definitely give new meaning to Kim Carnes' 80s hit song.

Since we're on the subject of sultry actresses with a classic, unique flare, I have to admit that I'm going through another Tabrett Bethell withdrawal.  And I miss Mistress Cara fiercely.  Sigh.  I'm such a geek when it comes to this exquisite woman.  Need I remind you as to why?

Now that I've somewhat satisfied my TB/CM fix (I said somewhat, not entirely and not ever, so expect more of Ms. Bethell and Mistress Cara to pop up now and again), I'm patiently waiting for Lea Michelle to perform at the Super Bowl.  I really don't care to see men in tights throwing balls around and participating in some ass-patting ritual, although I have no objection if they were gay men in tights with balls and some asinine ritual because I support my peeps no matter what.  =)  Hey wait?  Did Lea Michelle already perform?  Oh crap!  I'm bummed.  Oh well, at least I can look forward to a new Glee eppy tonight!

Oh wait!  Lea's performing now!  Yay!!!

Here's to the underdogs!

On Holiday

I'm on holiday for a week, and I'm enjoying every minute away from tiresome and boring work.  Blah.

I initially planned on spending a few days in NYC to see the off-off-Broadway musical Camp Wanatachi, which is co-produced by Legend of the Seeker (LoTS) alum Bridget Regan.  The musical tells the tale of a teenage girl who falls in love with another girl at a Christian-based summer camp.  Unfortunately, my lack of funds prevented me from following through with my plan, and I'm bummed about it.  Hopefully, the musical will garner good reviews and much needed attention to continue its run.

Although I'm not out on the open road, I've managed to keep myself busy with other matters.  I am determined to finish that LoTS fan fiction I've been working on for the past few weeks.  And when I do, I intend to post it here, biting back the fear and nausea that comes with publicly showcasing my work.  It's daunting, but I need to start somewhere, right?  I really need to stop procrastinating and start taking my writing seriously.  No more half-written stories.  From here on out, I will see each story through to the very end.


I also plan to do other things during this fortunate holiday, such as visit the Springs Preserve, something I've been interested in seeing for quite a while now, and declutter my closet and my life, throwing out unnecessary items and putting the past to rest.  I also plan to write JCM a long, overdue letter and file my taxes.  And I intend to visit that used bookstore in my neighborhood, as well as indulge in some thrift-store shopping.

This holiday is all about discovering new things, seeing things through to its end, laying the past to rest, and savoring all that life has to offer.  Sigh.  It's going to be grand.

On a lighter note, I've just discovered the musical genius that is Brandi Carlile.  I love her music!  And her voice and lyrics call out to my soul, leaving me open and vulnerable, yet somewhat stronger and self-assured.

Turning a new leaf is the only way to let go of the past, embrace the present, and look forward to the future.

Late-Night Reading and Reflection

I stayed up well into the night to finish a dark, yet heartwarming book entitled Ash by Malinda Lo.  I absolutely loved this book, a retelling of Cinderella, but with a fresh twist of its own filled with magic, fairy tales, a foreboding fairy prince, an honorable huntress, and a lost girl named Ash whose search for a home is at once heartbreaking, moving, and inspiring.  In the end of this poignant story, Ash makes her way out of the Wood and sees clearly for the first time in a long time with whom her heart and her home resides.

Needless to say, I didn't want this book to end, but the voracious reader in me and the persistent belief in happy endings willed me onward to the very end of this fairy tale.  Sigh.  It's been a long while since I discovered a book in which I was willing to stay up well past my bedtime to finish.

I love books like this.  I love the anticipation I feel in knowing the outcome of a story or the desperate need in me to read a significant passage repeatedly, hoping to sear the words in my mind's eye.  I love the feel of a crisp page under my fingertips and the impatient twitching of fingers that yearn to turn to the next page.  I love the press of a book against my heart, an attempt to quiet the heavy beating, as well as the scent of a well-read book invading my senses with promises of love, adventure, and great life lessons.  And I love the multitude of emotions that overwhelm me as a story unfolds, such as the sweet constriction around my heart, the sorrowful or blissful tears to my eyes, the excruciating agony and ire wracking my body, and the relief and ecstasy to my senses and well-being as a story reaches its crescendo, leaving me satiated yet desperately wanting more.  Sigh.  I love books.

I also love reflecting on the messages, truths, and lessons of a good book.  In this instant, after reading Ash, I thought long and hard about love and the obstacles which keep us from achieving it.  Ash could have lost hope and given in to an attitude, a person, and a world that she wasn't meant for given all that she lived through and the vast emptiness she felt in her solitude.  Yet, she refused to succumb and settle for a world that, despite its many sparkles and promises, could never provide a befitting substitute to true love and happiness and would have undoubtedly doubled the weight of emptiness she already felt.  In the end, Ash chose true love and in an instant, the world she found herself in appeared lighter and more alive than she could have ever imagined.  Sigh.  I love happy endings.

Put down the e-reader and pick up a book instead.  The possibilities are endless with a great read.

Too Misty for Xena

I've always considered myself an avid Xena: Warrior Princess (XWP) fan, possessing a fortitude of knowledge in any and all things XWP-related and admitting with neither hesitation nor qualm to my level of geekness.  I remember XWP first aired around the same time I started my sophomore year in college.  Needless to say, I was young and impressionable at the time, yet refused to yield to society's norms even at that tender age.  Is it any wonder why I fell hard, possibly head-over-heels, for XWP?

XWP provided an escape from the mundane and predictable life of the islands.  It offered strong female lead characters (played by the beautiful and talented Lucy Lawless as Xena and Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle) with rich backgrounds who sought out their own way and paved their own paths in history despite the many obstacles they encountered along the way.  XWP also offered an interesting and plausible plot rife with drama and intrigue, just the right amount of humor and wit, and a whole lot of ass-kicking!  I followed Xena and Gabrielle to the very end of their story as they fought for good against evil, for life over death, for redemption and their very salvation, but most notably for honor, friendship, and love.

XWP captivated and inspired me, setting the stage for a life of adventure in a world far beyond my home on that small island in the vast Pacific Ocean.  I sought to incorporate and emulate the enduring values and universal message I garnered from XWP and its courageous and resilient female characters.  And in retrospect, XWP awakened that dormant part of me which questioned my burgeoning sexuality.  In layman's term, XWP opened my eyes to the definite probability that I liked girls way too much than any 'straight' girl should.

So why all this Xena nostalgia, you ask?  Well, as an avid XWP fan like myself, you'd think that I would be privy to a little event called Xena Con.  The truth is I haven't.  And this annual Xena Convention is in its 16th year!  Argh!  This knowledge makes me want to gouge my eyes out!  My geekness has dropped a few levels, but instead of jumping for joy at this fact, I feel utterly dreadful.  And now I just feel like crying.  I'm too misty for XWP.  Sigh.

And to top it all off, I won't be able to attend Xena Con in Los Angeles, CA this weekend (January 28-30 at the Los Angeles Marriott at LAX).  I'm doubling with pain as I type.

In a time of ancient gods, warlords, and kings,

a land in turmoil cried out for a hero.

She was Xena,

a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle.

The power. The passion. The danger.

Her courage will change the world.

-Xena : Warrior Princess, opening credits

When in doubt or in a bind, ask yourself "What would Xena do?"

Philosophical Coffee Talks

JCM and I met up at Barnes and Nobles this morning to resume our long overdue philosophical "coffee talk."  It's been too long since we last engaged in this tradition of ours as family, careers, and shifting priorities crept into the foreground of our lives, unintentionally leaving little or no time for us to continue our ritual.  A ritual that began in our early 20s during a period in our lives when we first began to feel the weight of the world on our shoulders as life's questions went unanswered.  In an attempt to decipher life's often daunting questions, we created an open forum and engaged in honest discussions centered around the gray shades of life.  Through the years, we manged to support one another, to come to each other's defense and aid, when life became too much to bear alone.  And like the Socrates of old, we created a place where we were free to discuss life, death, and everything in between without judgment.

Today's talk was heartfelt and wracked with soul-searching questions.  We tossed ideas around about life and shared insights on the paths we're currently on.  We reflected on the past and hoped for the future, but adamantly vowed to live in the now.  And we vehemently aspired to live authentically, not merely with words, but in our actions.

I am so grateful for JCM's friendship.  He's been there for me during every phase of my life:  my transition from a small plantation town on Oahu, Hawai'i to the bright lights of Manhattan; my coming out; my lonely, angst-ridden twenty-something years; my relationship with her; and my current state of being (i.e., post break up and my ongoing search for me).  He has been an integral part of my life, and I hope our friendship means just as much to him.

On another note, I feel the desperate need to travel.  Although it may not be the most practical time for me to do so given my limited funds, I'm throwing practicality and reasoning out the window.  For so long I've put my dreams and, consequently, my life on hold for practical reasons, yet where and what has that brought me?  Nowhere and nothing.  So I've decided to do the opposite of what my mind tells me and instead follow the yearnings of my heart.  In the words of her Madgesty, "I think I'll follow my heart.  It's a very good place to start."

Live unfettered, but remain true to your heart.

Bounce

I'm trying to bounce back from the recent upheaval in my life, but it's not as easy as it should be.  All I can do is grin (somewhat) and bear (for the most part).  It seems she's bounced back sooner than I expected despite all that we've been through, and I'm still testing my abilities.  It feels like having to learn a basic function all over again after having taken it for granted all these years.  It's fricking hard.  Possibly the hardest thing I must endure.

On a lighter note, check out talented artist James Butterworth and his latest album entitled "Songs for Kahlan," inspired by Legend of the Seeker Cara/Kahlan ship.  This is a must for all you die-hard Cara/Kahlan shippers!

Wake me when it's all over...

Epic Fail and The Road Less Traveled

I did it.  I called my Dad and asked him to move in with me.  Although I'll be relieved to have my Dad near again (to keep an eye on him as he's getting on in age), I can't help but feel that I've somehow failed epically.  Everything's changing, faster than my feeble mind and heart can process.  She's moving out and moving on, and I'm at a standstill, trying to pick up the pieces.  She says she'll still be there to support me, financially or otherwise, but how can I trust that she will after all that's happened?  How can I trust her when not long ago, she promised to love me unconditionally and vowed to be at my side till the very end?  I should have known it was all a ruse...And now I'm burdened and encumbered with the weight of her decision, my resignation, and our mutual understanding.  My high pride refuses to show more, feel more than what I'm truly enduring inside.  At the very least, my dignity is still in tact...right?

Anyway, I digress.  I asked my Dad to move in because...I can't survive on my income alone.  Not with the mortgage and utilities that I'll be responsible for after she leaves.  Although she insists that I have nothing to worry about because she'll assist me financially until who knows when, I can't rely on her promises, on her words, on her.  Hence, my decision to ask my Dad to move up.  I never planned on this, believing we'd somehow make our relationship work and remain together until our last breath, but it's something that I have to do.  I need help, and I must not feel guilty or embarrassed in asking for it.  Sigh.

At least my Dad's happy.  He wants to move up, but I fear it's for other reasons (i.e., gambling and free beer).  I want to laugh, but I know I'll start crying if I do.  This is all so foreign to me, the break up, loneliness, and shattered pieces of the past seven years scattered at my feet, and I'm absolutely scared out of my wits.  This road I'm on is dark and lonely, the air around me dense and filled with shadows, and I want so much to turn and run back to the fork in the road I passed a while back.  To run after her and beg her to stay.  To hold on to something that is familiar and safe, even if it would mean settling and sacrificing my self yet again.  Even if it meant going back to those empty eyes staring back at me and the intimate, loving touch I know will never come again.  Sigh.

I can't.  I won't.  She's made up her mind, and so have I.  We can't go back, not now and maybe not ever.  I am saddened by this knowledge, but there is nothing that I can do to change what is and what can never be.  I'm on this road alone, and I must accept my fate.  I simply must.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 

- "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost

The road ahead is daunting, but I must keep pressing onward.  Maybe someday, everything will make sense.

HeYa!

I heart Glee!  I ship Brittany and Santana!  And I ship Heather Morris and Naya Rivera, otherwise fondly known as "HeYa," more than ever because of this video!

Nuthin' But A Glee Thang with Heather Morris, Matthew Morrison & Sofia Vergara from Heather Morris

Be Gleeful!

Lies

I found out that she's been lying to me...again.  We're no longer together, but apparently things haven't changed.  She's always keeping things from me, thinking I'm better off not knowing.  She's wrong.  I'd rather she told me up front instead of having me find out on my own.  It's worse when I find things out on my own because I feel nothing but anger and betrayal.  Sigh.  This puts things in perspective, and I can honestly say at this moment that I'm relieved we're over.  Unfortunately, we're still orbiting the same space for the time being for financial reasons.  Breaking up is definitely hard to do.

Anyway, I've been trying hard not to think about her and our relationship, especially at work.  Sometimes, my mind wanders to the past, when times were good; when we were together.  A song plays on my Ipod and the memories come flooding in and I can hardly breathe.  It hurts.  It hurts knowing that it's all over after all the time and energy we invested in our relationship.  It pains me that our home is broken and our life together has met an untimely end.  It makes me cry when I think about our boys and the separation my family must soon endure.  It angers me to think about everything we've created and built together, only to have it all come crashing down around us.  And it frightens me that from here on out, I'll be on my own.

I'm not sure what I want.  I know we can't go back to what we had, and I know I have nothing ahead to look forward to.  I'm afraid.  Afraid of what the future may hold for me, for her, for us.  I'm afraid that I'll be alone forever.  That I'll die alone.

I'm afraid that maybe there isn't something more to look forward to in life or someone out there waiting for me...

You think that Luck
Has left you there.
But maybe there's nothing
Up in the sky but air.

And there's no mystical design,
No cosmic lover preassigned.
There's nothing you can find
That can not be found.
'Cause with all the changes
You've been through,
It seems the stranger's always you.
Alone again in some new
Wicked little town.

- "Wicked Little Town (Reprise)"

Hedwig and the Angry Inch

I want to believe that there's something more...I need to believe.

Tabrett Bethell

Tabrett Bethell

Meet Tabrett Bethell.

Now do you understand why I'm absolutely enthralled by this woman?  Go ahead.  Take your time.  Zoom in.  Zoom out.  Assess the situation.  Take all the time you need, but I know it won't take long for you to come around.  Tabrett Bethell is absolutely stunning!  AND she's a brilliant actress!

If you haven't already seen it, you MUST watch Legend of the Seeker!  Tabrett plays the role of Mord'Sith Cara Mason, a fearless and loyal ally to the Seeker fighting to save humankind from evil.  Tabrett Bethell's portrayal of Cara is deathly serious balanced with the right amount of wit and humor.

Cara

Tabrett Bethell IS Cara Mason.  She was the perfect choice for that role.

Tabrett Bethell makes me swoon.  And Cara Mason makes me giggle and swoon.  LoL  I think I'll watch Seasons 1 and 2 of Legend of the Seeker again because I'm in dire need of a Tabrett Bethell/Cara/LotS fix.  My sweet addiction.  Sigh.  I'm such a dork.  LoL

P.S.  If you happen to take my advice about watching Legend of the Seeker, you'll no doubt notice the extreme subtext underlying each scene between Cara and Kahlan, the Mother Confessor (played by the beautiful and talented Bridget Regan).  These two have excellent chemistry!

Kahlan & Cara

Tabrett Bethell ROCKS!

Coast Starlight

I'm thinking about finally taking that trip along the West Coast I always wanted to embark on.  And I'm going solo.  I'm excited and scared at the same time, but I really need this trip to soothe my soul.  I've always loved to travel, whether it be by car, plane, or train.  And this time in my life, after the break up, would be the perfect time to travel solo...to rediscover myself.  To reclaim my life.  To awaken the free-spirit within me.  To pursue my passion.  Sigh.  For the first time in a long time, I can breathe.  Coast Starlight, here I come!

On another note, I told Jacob about the break up.  It felt good to tell someone about what happened and what I'm going through.  It finally feels like this is real, that I'm not in some nightmare trying desperately to open my eyes.  True to form, Jacob gave incite into the matter, and I'm grateful for having a friend like him.  It helps knowing I have someone to lean on during this difficult time.

May you find yourself in everything you do and every road you embark on.

Unraveling

I feel my life unraveling before my very eyes.  I want her to stay, yet I need her to go.  I can't mourn our end until she's truly out of my life.  I haven't even allowed myself to cry.  The tears start to gather in my eyes whenever I think of our life together and how it ended after seven years, but they refuse to fall.  I can't even mourn this loss properly.  Why?  I suppose my pride refuses me to acknowledge the pain though my heart is battered and bruised.  I gave her seven years of my life, and she was my first.  I always thought she would be my last.  I was wrong, and I don't know how I feel about that.  The rational side of me believes this is right, that we had to come to an end because we aren't meant for each other, at least not the way we should be ideally.  But the other side of me, the one that's afraid to envision life without her, wants desperately to hold on to what we had.  I don't know if it's because I'm scared of being alone, of being thrust into the single life once again.  Or maybe it's because I'm afraid of never seeing her face again.  Though she wishes us to remain friends, I simply can't.  I don't want to.  It would be too hard on me to even try.  It's over.  We're over.  She wanted this, and so do I.  But how can I say goodbye to my lover, best friend, and soul mate of seven years?  How can I possibly end that chapter in my life?

I never truly understood how difficult it could be to say goodbye.

Out with the Old...

2011 will definitely be a year of change for me.  Although the road ahead is daunting, I feel a deep sense of relief and a renewed sense of excitement.  This time, however, I'm traveling down the road alone.


She said, "I love you and I care about you, but...I'm not in love with you."  Her honesty took me by surprise, but her words didn't break me as I thought they would.  I simply didn't understand why it took her this long to tell me the truth, and I don't know why she decided to lay bare her soul on New Year's Eve.  I gather she wanted a new start for the new year.  I won't lie and say this doesn't hurt, even though I've felt the gradual decline of our relationship for some time now.  She claims we've lost our spark, and I honestly think maybe we didn't share one to begin with.

I understand now what that fortune teller warned me about years ago.  She told me to be careful not to marry simply for the sake of being married.  I paid no heed to her reading, believing none of what she foretold.  And in time, I forgot.  Now I remember clearly as I replay the night's events in my head.  Was I simply in this relationship because I wanted to be in a relationship?  Granted, I loved her, still love her, and will always love her in a way, but I don't believe she was ever the one.  Our love will never be remembered in stories passed on from generation to generation, but I have hope that someday I'll find the one who'll set my soul on fire.  And that love will no doubt be remembered for all time.

Happy New Year!