Mercutio

Happy Endings and Self Love

I watched a touching film called "Shelter" the other day and bawled at the happy ending.  I didn't cry tears of happiness, but rather of sadness over the life I used to have with her.  I cried for the happy ending we didn't have and for a happy ending that I've lost all hope in.  I don't know if I'll get a second chance at love, but I pray that I will.

Then I came across the following brilliant, insightful, and inspirational passage in The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have by Mark Nepo :

"...give up the want of another and be who you are, and more often than not, love will come at the precise moment you are simply loving yourself" (Nepo 166).

My whole life before her, I've yearned for love, to be loved, to live the emotion without really understanding what it meant to love and without really loving myself first and foremost.  I've been so caught up in love and finding love that I never fully appreciated and acknowledged my own self-worth and beauty.  I've always needed to fill that void within me, even if it meant settling for something less than the real thing.  Sigh.  I was wrong to believe that the void in me could only be filled by loving someone other than myself.  I know now that I must focus on loving myself, and maybe someday, when I least expect it, love will find me.  By then, I'll be ready.

Sigh.  I guess something good came out of the break up after all.

Love thyself.

Lazy Boys

I love the way my boys, Harper and Artemis, match the color scheme in my home. LoL Mercutio is MIA; he doesn't enjoy being photographed. I'll get a good shot of him someday.

"How do you measure a year?"

"Measure in love." - RENT

I love this musical! I always listen to the OBC recording whenever I'm feeling down. It inspires me to live, to be grateful for each day, every second, every breath...

Oh Baby!

Meet my adorable little cousin, Drake Preston!

Meaningful Words

I'm currently reading David Levithan's The Lover's Dictionary, a story about love and relationships.  The novel is interesting in that it literally reads like a dictionary with the narrator's personal insight and impressions used to describe specific words.

Here are a few meaningful words from the The Lover's Dictionary, which are some of my personal favorites:

"abyss, n.  There are times when I doubt everything.  When I regret everything you've taken from me, everything I've given you, and the waste of all the time I've spent on us" (Levithan 6).

"barfly, n.  You have the ability to talk to anyone, which is an ability I do not share" (Levithan 27).

"motif, n.  You don't love me as much as I love you.  You don't love me as much as I love you.  You don't love me as much as I love you" (Levithan 144).

"serrated, adj.  And you said, 'I'm not sure we can'" (Levithan 180).

Notice how my personal favorites are quite dark and depressing?  I gather they stood out because they fit my mood perfectly at the moment.  But I digress...

The Lover's Dictionary by David Levithan is a brilliant must-read!

broken, adj.  How I felt when she said, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you."

Good

I was flipping through the channels yesterday, and I came across the music video for "Good" by Better Than Ezra.  In an instant, my mind flooded with thoughts of my summer in Washington, DC during my stint with the FBI Honors Internship Program...Thoughts good and bad, bleeding into one memorable experience that served as my stepping stone off the island I was born and raised on and into the world that would shape me into the woman I would become.  Sigh.  I often think back to that young, naive girl who was just stepping into her own, wondering where she found the courage, inspiration, and stamina to go forth and conquer...

Fast forward fourteen years, and I feel somewhat like the girl I left behind, embarking on a new chapter in my life.  I feel the same dread and insecurity, but none of the happiness and excitement.  I gather it's because I'm no longer young and naive (although I could argue that well into the night), and the prospect of starting a new chapter and turning over a new leaf at the age of thirty-four going on thirty-five is more than a bit daunting.  The truth is I'm absolutely frightened.  And the added weight of a seven-year relationship gone bad, as well as the multitude of insecurities that come with the fallout, packed into one large well-worn suitcase is too much to bear for even my broad shoulders.  Sigh. 

Hedwig said something along the lines of I laugh because I would cry if I didn't.  That's exactly how I feel.  So I laugh even when there is no punchline, putting on a brave, happy face for the world to see.  Then at the end of the day, I go home to a house that is no longer a home and let my guard down.  Sometimes I drown in sadness, other times I revel in self-righteous anger, and yet at times I wallow in self-pity.  I never thought I'd find myself back where I started all those years ago, dreading the minutes leading up to the starting bell.  I don't want to start all over again.  I shouldn't have to...not at my age.  I should be enjoying my winnings at the finish line...not hoping against hope that I don't fall by the wayside in this agonizing race called life.  Sigh.

I guess I should thank Better Than Ezra for this train of thought.

I need a distraction...something like a good fuck.

Heads up.  You're in for the ride of your life.  Don't fuck it up or else you'll be blogging about your sorry life like I am.  LoL

The Importance of Being Fine

I finally told my family and friends about the break up.  They were shocked and concerned, but then somewhat reassured when I told them I was absolutely fine. 

I am fine.  Absolutely fine.

Fin.

There's a reason for everything.  I may not understand why at the moment, but in time it will all make perfect sense.

A Name From The Past...

I spoke with JCM the other day during our weekly phone call, and he told me of his chance encounter with our high school classmate, Vicky.  I swear that the mention of her name and the knowledge that she lives right here in Las Vegas caused my heart to race.  I was happy to hear of our mutual friend, whom we've both lost contact with through the years, but I found it quite strange that long after my conversation with JCM had ended, my heart continued to beat rapidly as if it had run a long-distance marathon (not that I've ever ran a marathon, but I'm guessing that's how my heart would feel like if I ever did) and my mind raced with thoughts of Vicky.

Vicky and I were good friends in high school, and our friendship grew deeper during our years in college and our respective years in graduate school.  We spoke at least once a week and/or e-mailed daily while I was away in New York City studying law and she was back home in Hawai'i studying human resource management.  When she moved to Tacoma, WA, and I settled here in Las Vegas, our friendship managed to thrive despite the responsibilities and changes that life thrust upon us.  We always managed to find time for each other, and I loved that about our friendship.  But then, I fell in love...

A few years after moving to Las Vegas, I met Her and fell in love...at least, I thought I did.  In retrospect, I believe I was infatuated with the idea of love and being in love, but enough about that.  As my priorities changed and my world shifted around Her, I let my friendships fall to the wayside.  I never thought I would ever be like those people who forgot everyone else existed except the one their heart seemed to live for, but I became exactly that.  I was such an idiot for allowing my friendships to wither and die, and I'm paying dearly for it now that She's no longer a part of my life.  One of the things I will always regret is leaving Vicky behind...

When JCM talked about Vicky, all I could think about was how much we had fun together and how much I missed her.  And without warning, I felt a genuine smile on my face, which have been few and far between since the break up.  I felt an indescribable feeling rush through my body and flush over my face, and I couldn't ignore the thundering roar of my heart echoing in my ears and reverberating through my body.  And it struck me that I felt something other than anger, disappointment, sadness, and frustration.  I felt something stirring deep within me at the mention of her name...

I never told anyone this before and never really acknowledged it until now, but I had a crush on Vicky back when we were in college.  It was an innocent crush, one spurred on by someone who knew exactly what to say and do to make me smile and laugh and by someone who was there for me through my ups and downs.  She understood and believed in me, and she encouraged me to push on no matter what.  We had a lovely friendship...Is it any wonder why I had a crush on her?  Sigh.  I had a crush on my very straight best friend.

So fast forward all these years, and I find myself acting ridiculously happy upon hearing news about Vicky.  Maybe it's the young girl in me still clinging to a silly school-girl crush or maybe it's the woman in me who misses our friendship, especially at a time when I desperately need a friend.  I don't know...What I do know is my heart never beat so fast for anyone in a long, long time.

Riddle me this, Batman.

Don't be an idiot like me...