Confessions

I'm officially thirty years old. Wow. We didn't have time to celebrate my birthday this year. Instead, BB and I painted her co-worker's home. I was a bit disappointed that we couldn't spend quality time together on my birthday, but we had pressing matters to focus on and complete. I really didn't feel like celebrating my thirtieth birthday anyway (see previous post).

Autumn called to wish me a happy birthday. It's been a while since we last communicated. I harbored bad feelings towards her after the Disneyland incident, but after a few months, those feelings died down. I'm glad that we're talking again. I've missed having my best friend around. She seems to be doing good, what with a full-time job and a so-called boyfriend (her words, not mine). She wants to buy me an expensive birthday gift. BB claims that Autumn really wants to buy back my friendship. BB may very well be right.

Jacob wrote me a letter confessing his sins. No, he didn't confess to sleeping around again (see prior post). He confessed that he bragged too much about the new home and that his ego grew bigger as a result of that. Of course, I knew that already. He admitted his faults and even admitted that he was jealous about our (BB and I) upcoming summer travel plans. Wow. I don't know why Jacob felt the need to confess his feelings, but maybe he finally got it through his thick skull that our friendship needed some work. Of course, he was totally off base with the reason why our friendship changed for the worse.

The real reason why our friendship is on shaky ground is Jacob has a big mouth (i.e., he's resorted to sharing my personal business with others) and I really don't enjoy Lucas's company (he's manipulative and judgmental). Jacob always had a big mouth, but he never betrayed me. Not until recently when mutual friends would ask me something they heard from Jacob about me. That angered me, and that's part of the reason why I put our friendship on the back burner. The issue with Lucas, however, took me by surprise. At first, I adored Lucas. He would call me to ask about Jacob, like what type of things would make Jacob happy, what he should get Jacob as a gift, and if Jacob really loved him. I would tell him everything I knew and comfort him when he had doubts, but then all that stopped when Lucas finally had Jacob wrapped around his finger. Lucas has Jacob locked into a situation that won't be easy for Jacob to get out of. Lucas is also judgmental about my career choices and condescending when Jacob's back is turned, and that sent me reeling over the edge. Who the hell was he to judge me?! And what gives him the right to act that way towards BB and I?! I wanted to break Lucas's heart so many times by telling him about Jacob's infidelity. But, that would mean betraying Jacob in the process and I don't think that I could do that to him.

Maybe I'm overly sensitive or even blowing things out of proportion. Or maybe with age, I've grown intolerant to others' bullshit and games. At this point in my life, I really don't want to open up to new people or make amends with old friends. I just don't care. But some part of me does care, and I hope and pray that I'll learn to stop pushing others away. I'm fricking thirty now. I need to grow up and move on.




By the way, MADONNA is in town. I couldn't afford tickets to see her this time around. Awful, no? A friend claimed that I'm not a true Madonna fan because I failed to purchase tickets to her Confessions tour. Ouch! That was downright mean.

I <3 MADONNA!

30/06

I'm turning 30 sooner than I anticipated. I'm dangling over the edge of 29, and I'm afraid. Afraid of turning the big 3-O, of getting on in age with nothing tangible to secure my future. I feel like I'm standing still at this very moment, the past behind me and the future awaits me. As if I'm at a crossroads, but I can't turn back to the past and I'm looking at my future with trepidation. Everything will change. Everything has changed. There's just something about turning 30. I'll no longer be a twenty-something caught up in my own drama and searching for truth. It's acceptable for you to be undecided and lost in the ways of life when you're twenty-something. Nothing makes much sense, but that's OK. In your twenties, your goal is to figure things out, to question authority, to live unfettered, and to fly. At 30, however, you have to leave all that behind and know something, anything. It's expected of you. You have to be responsible and successful. You have to focus on other people, on other things, and no longer on just yourself. You have to know where to find yourself and where you're going. From here on out, you can't make a move until you've consulted with your financial planner. No more living in the now. Instead, it's all about creating a hefty nest for your impending retirement. It's all about living your last days in the best elderly home you can afford. It's frightening and overwhelming when you're turning 30 in 2006.

Stop the clock - Take time out

Time to regroup before you lose the bout

Freeze the frame - Back it up

Time to refocus before they wrap it up

Years are getting shorter

Lines on your face are getting longer

Feel like you're treading water

But the riptide's getting stronger

Don't panic, don't jump ship

Can't fight it, like taxes

At least it happens only once in your life

They're singing, "Happy Birthday"

You just wanna lay down and cry

Not just another birthday, it's 30/90

Why can't you stay 29

Hell, you still feel like you're 22

Turn thirty, 1990

Bang! You're dead

What can you do?

What can you do?

What can you do?

Clear the runway - Make another pass

Try one more approach before you're out of gas

Friends are getting fatter

Hairs on your head are getting thinner

Feel like a clean up batter

On a team that ain't a winner

Don't freak out, don't strike out

Can't fight it, like City Hall

At least you're not alone

Your friends are there too

They're singing, "Happy Birthday"

You just wish you could run away

Who cares about a birthday?

But 30/90, hey

Can't you be optimistic?

You're no longer the ingenue

Turn thirty, 1990

Boom! You're passe

What can you do?

What can you do?

What can you do?

Peter Pan and Tinkerbell

Which way to Never Never Land?

Emerald City's gone to hell

Since the wizard blew off his command

On the streets you hear the voices

Lost children, crocodiles

But you're not into

Making choices, wicked witches,

Poppy fields, or men behind the curtain

Tiger lilies, ruby slippers

Clock is ticking, that's for certain

They're singing, "Happy Birthday"

I just wish it all were a dream

It feels much more like doomsday

Fuck

30/90

Seems like I'm in for a twister

I don't see a rainbow, do you?

Turn 30 in the 90's

Into my hands now

The ball has passed

I want the spoils, but not too fast

The world is calling

It's now or Neverland

Why can't I stay a child forever

and

30/90

30/90

30/90

30/90

30/90

30/90

What can I do?

What can I do?

-"30/90" from Tick Tick Boom

by Jonathan Larson

Living a Lie

I received an e-mail from Lucas, informing me that he and Jacob are moving into their new home next week. Although I'm happy for them, there's a part of me that's a bit envious. I'm envious about their new home, not about their relationship. BB and I hope to purchase a home sometime this year and to settle in somewhere once and for all, but our finances have been...lacking. Although we don't have much money, we have eachother and are very much in love. And here's where Lucas and Jacob are lacking. I have no doubt that Lucas loves Jacob, but Jacob is another story.

Jacob and I were friends since middle school. We grew up together, shared our dreams together, and "came out" together. We didn't really come out together. He was blatantly gay, and I was obscurely a lesbian. However, we shared the same pain, relief, and happiness in coming out. When I moved here, Jacob followed. Then he met Lucas, and everything changed.

Before Lucas entered the picture, Jacob never settled for just anyone. His longest committed relationship was all of two months. In the beginning, Jacob hooked up with Lucas for sex. When their so-called relationship turned serious and too much for Jacob, he called it quits. Lucas couldn't let him go that easilty, but Jacob as soon as forgot Lucas until I stepped in. While out on the town one night, we stopped at a club and found Lucas waiting anxiously to "bump" into Jacob by chance (or not). It was awkward, and Jacob demanded we ditch the club before Lucas returned from the restroom. Jacob was furious and wanted to hightail it out of there without saying goodbye to Lucas. I said that was rude, and so we stayed. When Lucas returned, he asked to talk privately with Jacob. A few minutes later, they returned and were officially back together, although the look on Jacob's face was that of discomfort. Lucas, on the other hand, beamed with joy. Fast forward several months into their relationship, when Jacob cheated on Lucas with a beefy bartender. Jacob shared the news with me and even invited me to meet the bartender. It was awkward, but Jacob looked happy. A few weeks later, Jacob felt guilty and vowed to remain faithful to Lucas. I didn't buy it, but I hoped that he would stay faithful so long as he remained in a relationship with Lucas. A few months later, Jacob left for Iraq, and when he returned, he claimed that he would no longer take Lucas for granted and that he would put a hundred percent into their relationship. I still didn't buy it and wondered how much he had put into his relationship with Lucas before this epiphany. I also wondered if he had cheated on Lucas yet again while in Iraq and felt guilty about his infidelity. Now, they've purchased a home together and are moving in next week.

Lucas and Jacob have been together for a little over three years, and I'm happy for the both of them. Lucas is happy and loves Jacob dearly. Jacob seems happy, although I believe his happiness stems from the new home. I remain suspicious of Jacob's true intentions, most notably after recently claiming that he felt "trapped" in his relationship. I hope that Jacob knows what he's doing and that he understands the consequences of his actions. If down the road Jacob wants out of this relationship, it'll be more difficult now that they share real property together. The happiness he feels at the moment because of the new home is a fleeting emotion. Their home will no longer be "new" and he'll have to face the truth. That or face the consequences of living a lie.

Anthony Rapp at The Center

My friend, Sabrina, and I attended an autograph signing and Q&A session of Anthony Rapp's book, Without You, at The Center for GLBT tonight. A. Rapp read a passage from his book about coming out to his mother and how he felt about the experience. At the end of the Q&A, he sang "Seasons of Love" acapella. It was great! He was great! We had a grand time, and I'm awfully glad that I decided to go. Sabrina anxiously awaited this moment, rambling on and on, something she hardly ever does, and even turning red when she finally had her one-on-one face time with A. Rapp. What floored her was A. Rapp actually knew her through a mutual theater-industry friend. She turned as red as she could be and continued to ramble on. LoL She said, "I hope you don't think that I'm harassing you...." In response, A. Rapp said, "No, I don't think that I'm being harassed" or something along that line. LoL She was hilarious. I, on the other hand, didn't know what to say to A. Rapp. I felt ashamed that I didn't purchase his book and that I didn't have something great to ask him. I simply shook his hand and said "Hi! Nice to meet you." Then I asked if he could sign my Rent DVD and take a picture with me. All the while, he was compliant and awfully nice, though a bit withdrawn. He looked tired. Maybe he felt like a fish out of water here as opposed to being perfectly at ease in the bright lights of NYC. Who can blame him. Sabrina and I took pictures with him after fixing her digital camera, which didn't work the first time around. Thank goodness it finally worked, although I blinked in my picture with A. Rapp. Oh well. It was quite an experience, and I enjoyed every minute of it.

I'm listening to Wicked The Musical. I'd love to see Idina Menzel reprise her role as Elpheba in London. I missed the Defying Gravity Tour last year, although I didn't know the musical existed then.

I should get ready for bed. I have to work tomorrow. BB's already asleep, looking every bit as beautiful as she does awake. I love her so much. I'm going to end it here, snuggle next to BB, and join her in dreamland.

Another One Bites The Dust

The other day, I called my brother Quinn and he practically chewed my head off. I thought, 'WTF?!' What the hell was up his ass, and why was he taking it out on me? I offered to drop by his place to drop off the vacuum and pick up my check, and his response was "If you come over, be presentable." I inquired as to what he meant, and he said "You know, no shorts." I didn't know why he said that, and as usual, I pondered over that statement until I came to a conclusion. Besides being a jerk, my brother seems to have crossed over to the other side. The side where money buys you a reputation and high fashion dresses your ego. I don't have the money, the fashion, or the looks. Hence, I don't fit into his world. I'm not "presentable." I'm a disgrace. Sometimes, I can read it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. I was once the one he looked up to, so he claimed, but now I've fallen from grace because I've chosen to live my life on my terms. I've chosen not to practice law, letting my degree go to waste or so he and countless others claim. But it's my life, and I make all the decisions. I used to take so many others' opinions and best interests into consideration about how I should live my life, but not anymore. Those times were difficult. Every step I took, I took with trepidation and with the weight of so many on my shoulders. So what if I choose not to buy into the world he lives in or aspires to be a part of? I don't care about money and fame. Fashion and looks were never my finest traits. I am who I am, and I'm beginning to like the person I've become. I'm so much happier than I've ever been doing what I'm doing, which isn't practicing law. So my brother can be disappointed in me and even ashamed of me. I'm better off now that I'm no longer disappointed and ashamed of myself.

Since that conversation, I've been so angry at my brother. And I'm very disappointed in him. He's changed so much these years we've been apart, and for so long I've failed to admit that he's changed for the worse. I guess I didn't want to see that ugly side of him. That side of him that looked down on others and saw only their flaws. That side of him that cared too much about what others thought of him and that desperately needed others to think he was high class. Face it, bro. We're not high class. Dad looked out of place in that suit you picked out for him. Mom's still judged by her past. I'm never going to live up to your standards as to what an older sister and attorney should be. You're never going to survive in this world if you continue down the path you're on. I've been there, and it was hell. I took that year off because I couldn't stand the pressure that I put upon myself, caring about what others thought about me and failing to heed what my heart wanted. My heart wanted me to be at peace. To find peace within myself. To listen to my heart instead of my mind, where I kept hearing Mom's encouraging words, where I saw Dad smile at me with pride, and where I felt your admiration for me. Little did I know that these thoughts would break me. Although they were inspirational, they were also detrimental to my well being. They were constantly in my head, pushing me to be someone I knew I would never be. When the truth became clear, those thoughts simultaneously became heavy. So heavy that I began to drown. I could hardly breath. I guess you could say that I had a mental breakdown last year. I couldn't face the world until I came to terms with myself. And now I have. I'm living my life on my own terms. I'm making decisions based on what's best for me. For the first time in a long time, I can breathe again.

That's what I thought about my brother and his statements until I came upon some ghastly news last night. I discovered that my brother didn't pass the bar exam. Duh! Now it all makes sense. He chewed my head off and said those awful things to me because he was upset and angry. I remember the feeling. I think I'll forgive him this time. What else can I do when another one bites the dust? I feel sorry for him, but there's a part of me that's almost glad he didn't pass. Evil of me, no? I just want him to learn something from all this. I want him to learn that things don't come easy in life and people aren't perfect. Maybe next time, he won't judge others too harshly because they haven't lived up to some standard.

I'm Back

It's been a while since I accessed my blog. I've been away, if you haven't noticed (tsk, tsk). But thankfully, I'm back. And now I can resume where I left off with this blog, sharing my thoughts and opinions on some thing or other. Who am I kidding? I'm here for one purpose. To rant, rave, vent, and b*tch about everything and everyone! Nothing's safe from my wrath.

Yup. It's great to be back.