Friday, December 31, 2010

Out with the Old...

2011 will definitely be a year of change for me.  Although the road ahead is daunting, I feel a deep sense of relief and a renewed sense of excitement.  This time, however, I'm traveling down the road alone.

She said, "I love you and I care about you, but...I'm not in love with you."  Her honesty took me by surprise, but her words didn't break me as I thought they would.  I simply didn't understand why it took her this long to tell me the truth, and I don't know why she decided to lay bare her soul on New Year's Eve.  I gather she wanted a new start for the new year.  I won't lie and say this doesn't hurt, even though I've felt the gradual decline of our relationship for some time now.  She claims we've lost our spark, and I honestly think maybe we didn't share one to begin with.

I understand now what that fortune teller warned me about years ago.  She told me to be careful not to marry simply for the sake of being married.  I paid no heed to her reading, believing none of what she foretold.  And in time, I forgot.  Now I remember clearly as I replay the night's events in my head.  Was I simply in this relationship because I wanted to be in a relationship?  Granted, I loved her, still love her, and will always love her in a way, but I don't believe she was ever the one.  Our love will never be remembered in stories passed on from generation to generation, but I have hope that someday I'll find the one who'll set my soul on fire.  And that love will no doubt be remembered for all time.

Happy New Year!

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Random and Mundane

I thought I'd post something, anything really, minus the reflective nature of my usual posts.  The past few posts were especially written in an attempt to make sense of life, to give voice to the fragmented thoughts in my head.  With this post, I simply want to share random, mundane thoughts and facts of my life.  Here goes...

I can't seem to get "Kiss with a Fist" by Florence and the Machine out of my head.  It's a brilliant song!  I feel like dancing around kicking the air and waving my fists around when I listen to it.  Is it odd that it makes me want to kiss BB with my fist and then set fire to our bed?  Of course, I have no intention of playing out that thought...I think.  At least I can think fondly of Cara and Kahlan's fight!sex scene in "Desecrated" (season 2, episode 16) of the Legend of the Seeker TV series when I hear that song.  What subtext!  But I digress!  Anyway, the song is playing on repeat as I type this post.

Can I just say how much I love Tabrett Bethell?  She's absolutely stunning and brilliant!  I wonder if she kept the red leather Mord'Sith suit when the Legend of the Seeker TV series ended?  Role-playing anyone?  *giggles*

With the external floppy disk drive I got for Christmas, I finally accessed the stories and journal I wrote during my years in New York City and my early years in Sin City.  I read a story I wrote back in 2003, and it touched my heart.  Sometimes, I surprise even myself.  I think I have a knack for this.  Hopefully, I can make something out of it.

I hate to admit that BB and I aren't compatible, but we are.  We are as different as night and day.  Her interests differ from mine.  For example, she loves action movies, and I love foreign films.  She reads magazines, and I read classic literature.  She has a GED, and I have a JD.  I could go on and on about how different we are, but I believe that's the beauty and essence of our relationship.  We complement one another.  She's the yin to my yang, completing me, making me whole.  We are one.  And I don't think I could ever scream anyone else's name except hers in the throes of ecstasy.  Where I have a way with the spoken word, she has a way with the tongue.  She satiates me completely.

I finished Wizard's First Rule by Terry Goodkind.  It was by far better than I had anticipated, and I can't wait to read the next book!  The Legend of the Seeker TV series deviates greatly from the Sword of Truth book series, and I'm excited to be discovering a whole new world.  Yay!

I hope to visit New York City in February 2011.  *fingers crossed*  I <3 NYC!

I'm debating if BB and I should ring in the new year on the Strip with her co-workers.  I've never celebrated New Year's Eve on the Strip in all the years I lived here.  It's kind of daunting, all those people in a confined space.  The traffic will be horrendous.  And what of the pressing matter of potty breaks?  The casinos will close their doors to everyone but their guests a couple of hours before midnight.  The horror!  I can't believe I'm more worried about finding a clean bathroom to use instead of the drunkenness and degradation that will no doubt surround me.  Actually, this bizarre paranoia sounds exactly like me.

Sometimes, I wish we had stuck to our initial policy of having only one four-legged child.  Harper I can handle, but Artemis and Mercutio are an entirely different story.  Sigh.  I take it back.  How could we live without Artemis and Mercutio in our lives?  They drive me crazy, but I love my boys.

Speaking of my boys, it's time I end this post before they get into some kind of mischief that will have me pulling at my hair...again. 

It feels good to let it all out.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Christmas Eve Reflections

I can't believe tomorrow's Christmas.  I can't believe in a week's time, another year will come to pass and a new one will begin.  It's daunting how time flies.  How fast the years go by.  How short the time between sunrise and sunset.  How fleeting the moments in our lives...

It's Christmas eve, and I'm at peace, content, whole.  This year has been a trying one for BB and I, but we've managed to get through the tough times together, stronger, as one.  We have our boys, Harper, Artemis, and little Mercutio.  We have each other, and that is what matters.  All the heartache and pain of the past year, all the obstacles in our path, fall by the wayside, forgotten or defeated.  I thank God we're still here.

May love, family, and faith surround you this holiday season and throughout the year.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Full Circle

I'll never understand why life unfolds the way it does.  Why events happen.  Why things fall apart.  Why plans fail or never come to fruition.  Why people come and go.  Why philosophical questions on life, death, and everything in between are left unanswered.

In my twenties, I constantly questioned the gray areas of life and never accepted anything short of an authentic black and white answer.  I gather that's the reason why I lived my twenties in constant upheaval, thriving on 100% pure angst.

In my thirties, however, I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll never be privy to life's reasoning.  Instead, I've come to believe that things happen for a reason.  The reason may not be clear at the moment, but in time, it will. 

In time, you'll discover that you've come full circle; that the answers to questions keeping you up at night were within you all along and the gray areas of life weren't as daunting as you once thought they were.  You'll discern that you're exactly where you're meant to be, on this very path you're traveling on, and you'll appreciate the steep hills, narrow bends, and formidable obstacles you've overcome.  And in the end, you'll look back on your life, a rich tapestry of experiences both good and bad, and want for nothing.

This is what I believe. This is what keeps me from giving in to the darkness within.  This is what keeps me on my path.  After all, there has to be something more than simply getting by.  There has to be...

"Whatever our struggles and triumphs, 
however we may suffer them, 
all too soon they bleed into a wash, 
just like the watery ink on paper."
- Memoirs of a Geisha, Arthur Golden

A life lived authentically and to its fullest is a rare and beautiful thing.

Monday, December 20, 2010

The Gospel of Madonna

When life threw lemons my way, I made lemonade as Madonna sang in the background. Her life experiences, her music, her words never failed to amaze and inspire me. There was a time, however, when the world became too much to bear and reality came crashing down on me. My life became a mindless routine of sorts, and I lost my way in the darkness. I lost faith in everything and everyone, and I was drowning in an abyss of negativity and melancholy. Then a friend opened my eyes over a long overdue "coffee talk" as we ruminated over days gone by and the power of Madonna. And so I find myself in a much better place than I did a few days ago as I heal my soul with the Gospel of Madonna guiding me out of the darkness and into the light.

Sky fits heaven so fly it
That's what the prophet said to me
Child fits mother so hold your baby tight
That's what my future could see

Traveling down this road
Watching the signs as I go
I think I'll follow the sun
Isn't everyone just
Traveling down their own road
Watching the signs as they go

Fate fits karma so use it
That's what the wise man said to me
Love fits virtue so hold on to the light
That's what our future will be

Traveling down this road
Watching the signs as I go
I think I'll follow the sun
Isn't everyone just
Traveling down their own road
Watching the signs as they go
I think I'll follow my heart
It's a very good place to start

Traveling down my own road
Watching the signs as they go
Traveling, traveling
Watching the signs as they go

Hand fits giving so do it
That's what the Gospel said to me
Life fits living so let your judgments go
That's how our future should be
- "Sky Fits Heaven"

Everyone needs something to believe in.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

DADT Repealed

A landmark victory for the LGBT community today as the U.S. Senate successfully voted to repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," which bans openly gay and lesbian individuals from serving in the military.

We are a step closer to full equality!

This has been a brilliant day indeed!