Thanksgiving Confessions

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving started off with a bang this year. For me, the Thanksgiving holiday began the night before as I watched Madonna's Confessions Tour on NBC. What a way to start the holiday season! Now you know how much I LOVE Madonna, so you can guess how much I enjoyed this special programming. However, I absolutely shunned NBC's decision to censor the crucifixion scene. Give me a fricking break! MADONNA rules!

On to Thanksgiving Day. BB made the best Thanksgiving feast ever! She cooked a 14lb turkey, stuffing with green beans, mashed potatoes, gravy, and sweet corn. We also had sweet rolls and pumpkin pie with whipped cream. Yummy! We spent the day watching DVDs and drinking red wine. Pure relaxation.

I'm thankful for so many things. I'm thankful for life, for love, and for everything I have. I'm thankful to have BB in my life. I'm thankful for my family and friends. I'm thankful for being employed. I'm thankful for a roof over my head, food to eat, and clothes on my back. I'm thankful for all of God's blessings.

Be thankful.

Sunday Reading

I completed Persuasion by Jane Austen this morning. I rather enjoyed it. And now I'm on a Jane Austen fix. I've requested Persuasion on DVD, along with Emma, Sense and Sensibility, and Mansfield Park, from my local library (I can't stop praising the genius that is the public library!). I recently saw the Keira Knightley version of Pride and Prejudice and have read all of Jane Austen's books with exception to Sanditon and Other Stories. Unfortunately, Northanger Abbey is not on DVD, or if it is, my local library doesn't carry it (phoo!).

I've discovered a new author, Poppy Z. Brite, on my last trek to the library. Her book, Plastic Jesus initially caught my eye because it wielded the PRIDE colors on its binding. I'm quite partial to gay and lesbian literature given my circumstance. I'm also apt to give any book of that genre the benefit of the doubt simply because there are so few books of the like to begin with. Needless to say, I'm glad this book caught my eye. I'm not great with describing books I've read because I seldom do them any justice. Simply take my word for it that Plastic Jesus is worth a read and that Poppy Z. Brite's writing is unique, to say the least.

I also picked up the following books, which I have yet to read: Crow Lake by Mary Lawson, Hedwig and Berti by Frieda Arkin, Not Ready For Prime Time by Brent Askari, and The Testimony of Taliesin Jones by Rhidian Brook.

BB called me this morning. She's out and about with her sister and nieces in St. Augustine. I miss her so much. Too much for my own good, I think. But this is love, right? BB returns on Tuesday, and life can go back to normal then. Seems like Florida is the most likely place we'll settle and start our family. I know, Florida is too conservative and anti-GLBT. But as an attorney, I know how to secure and ensure our family's interests, legal or otherwise.

Take the time from your hectic life to open a book. The possibilities that come with reading are limitless. Also, tolerance and acceptance of eachother's differences are keys to a better world.

The Elusive Burger Found!

You'll never guess what I found without even looking. I found "it" or at least it's "it" until something bigger and better turns up. So I'm flying solo this week what w/BB out of town. I don't cook unless I absolutely have to, and there's nothing at home to eat. I head out to this place near the condo that just opened called Ma Barker's, which sells sliders, burgers, hotdogs, fish and chips, etc. It's my first time there, and I tell the cashier I want to try "Ma's Monster Burger." There's a line behind me and the place is packed. I'm amazed at how popular this place is. My order takes a little longer than expected, but the cashier apologizes and offers me coupons for my next visit and a Ma Barker button (which I'm now tempted to add to my collection). My order finally arrives, and I head home. I get comfortable in front of the TV and open the plastic bag. There are two "to-go" plates in the bag. I think 'now that's a waste' (of a plate). Why couldn't they simply add the fries with the burger? I open the first plate and discover that it's filled with fries. A whole lot of fries! Enough to feed a family of four and the family pets! I'm impressed, to say the least. Then I open the second plate and discover a real treasure. 'OMG!' and 'WTF?!' escape my mouth and run through my head. Are my eyes deceiving me?! Can this really be true?! It is real! It's the elusive burger that I've been trying so hard to find! It's the BIG one! The biggest one I've seen with my own eyes and held in my very hands thus far. OMG! It's so...HUGE! I don't know what to do! I call BB and tell her what I've found. She laughs, but most importantly, she believes me. Then I take several pictures of "it" with my cell phone camera (because BB took the digital camera with her). I take a lot of shots, some with me and the burger and some with the burger and other things to illustrate its immaculate size. LMAO! My heart swells, and I'm too excited to eat it. How can I eat it now that I've finally found it? In the end, my hunger wins and I eat half of the monstrosity. I barely dent the fries. I've finally found it. The elusive burger. Now I need to find others like it, but only bigger and better. Until then, I'll keep dreaming. This story only proves that dreams really do come true!

Never stop dreaming. In due time, your dreams will come true. I found the elusive burger and so can you!

Oh Brother

Why do I let my brother get to me? Why do I give him that power over me? He's the only one who can make me feel so small, so insignificant. He's quick to point out my flaws, and no matter how I deflect his painful words, they somehow pierce my armor and my heart. It's always been this way. He's always been the good son, the one who never makes a mistake that can't easily be forgotten. He's always gotten away with so many things. He claims he's changed, that he's not the spoiled child he once was. When he says he's changed, then he's changed. But when I say I've changed, that I'm no longer the defensive and negative person I once was, he says that acknowledging one's problem isn't the same as changing. Granted, I have a lot of changing to do, but at least I know what's wrong and I know what I must do to change the way I am. I believe that I've changed in that respect. I'm trying not to be that person I once was, the one who pushed others away and ran from my problems. I stand here now facing my problems head on and am making an effort to reconnect with my family. I want to change. I need to change because the person I am or once was is bad for my soul. Yet, everytime I talk with my brother, he points out my flaws, the same ones I've been trying to rectify. The very ones that I'm trying to fix and the ones I've already mended. He doesn't see this in me or fails to acknowledge this. He's so quick to shoot me down, and I let him. I let him get to me, even when I know I shouldn't. It doesn't matter what he thinks of me. It doesn't matter what he says. I know that I can never please him. In his eyes, I can never be good. I've disappointed him time and time again that it's expected of me. And thus I've come to a conclusion that my brother's part of the problem I face. He's part of the reason why I continually doubt myself and why I can't get ahead. I let him matter too much to me. I think too highly of his opinion. He's not God. He's not even Superman. He's just human. He's just my little brother. I need to stop this cycle of emotional abuse. I need to stop him from hurting me. I need to stop caring about what he thinks and what he says. I don't want to hate my brother. After all, he's the only sibling I've got. And 'hate' is such a harsh word. But I can't be around him for fear that he will impede my progress. When I'm around him, I feel so awful about myself. He reminds me of all the bad feelings I used to have about myself and still do. I love my brother, but if it comes down to him or me, I'm going to choose my own salvation.

In order to solve a problem, one must determine which factors are part of the equation. Only then can one successfully resolve the issue and move forward.

Trust, Faith, and Belief

A lot has happened since my last post. I thought about taking a breather from my life to write, but I couldn't find the time or simply couldn't bring myself to dish the latest news. I made a difficult decision a couple of weeks ago, and now I'm waiting for the results. I know this is awfully vague, but I can't write about it. All I can tell you is I've put aside my petty thoughts on life and am determined to overcome this obstacle I currently face. I've entrusted my life in God's hands and have faith that everything will be alright. I tell myself over and over again to believe that everything's going to work out in my favor. And it will.

I wish I had the sense to make better decisions in the past. I wish I could have planned better for my future and been more sensible about things. There are so many things in my past that I regret and have passed the blame on to so many others. The truth is I'm to blame for my own decisions. Ultimately, the choices were mine to make. And that I did, whether I like it or not. So now I accept responsibility for my actions and am trying to live with how my life turned out. It's not pretty, but it's not so bad either. Maybe I'm finally growing up, accepting responsibility and facing my problems head on for a change. No running away this time. I'm too tired to run. And I've figured out that no matter how hard and far I run, the same problems will always be there unless I face my reality. So here I am, facing my demons. It's a start in the right direction. A promising start to a future that doesn't look as bleak as it once was.

There's a lot of changing I need to do, but I feel like a heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I can breathe again. As if I'm coming up for air after drowning for so long. Sigh.

BB's off to visit her family on Wednesday. I'm missing her already. This will be our first time apart since she moved here to be with me. But I'm happy that she's visiting her family. She misses her nieces very much, especially during the holidays. Seeing them again will make her very happy. And I'm happy when she's happy. That's all I want for BB. For her to be happy. Her happiness means so much to me.

If you want to sleep peacefully at night, put your trust and faith in the Lord (or higher power) and believe that things will be better than they are.