Late-Night Reading and Reflection

I stayed up well into the night to finish a dark, yet heartwarming book entitled Ash by Malinda Lo.  I absolutely loved this book, a retelling of Cinderella, but with a fresh twist of its own filled with magic, fairy tales, a foreboding fairy prince, an honorable huntress, and a lost girl named Ash whose search for a home is at once heartbreaking, moving, and inspiring.  In the end of this poignant story, Ash makes her way out of the Wood and sees clearly for the first time in a long time with whom her heart and her home resides.

Needless to say, I didn't want this book to end, but the voracious reader in me and the persistent belief in happy endings willed me onward to the very end of this fairy tale.  Sigh.  It's been a long while since I discovered a book in which I was willing to stay up well past my bedtime to finish.

I love books like this.  I love the anticipation I feel in knowing the outcome of a story or the desperate need in me to read a significant passage repeatedly, hoping to sear the words in my mind's eye.  I love the feel of a crisp page under my fingertips and the impatient twitching of fingers that yearn to turn to the next page.  I love the press of a book against my heart, an attempt to quiet the heavy beating, as well as the scent of a well-read book invading my senses with promises of love, adventure, and great life lessons.  And I love the multitude of emotions that overwhelm me as a story unfolds, such as the sweet constriction around my heart, the sorrowful or blissful tears to my eyes, the excruciating agony and ire wracking my body, and the relief and ecstasy to my senses and well-being as a story reaches its crescendo, leaving me satiated yet desperately wanting more.  Sigh.  I love books.

I also love reflecting on the messages, truths, and lessons of a good book.  In this instant, after reading Ash, I thought long and hard about love and the obstacles which keep us from achieving it.  Ash could have lost hope and given in to an attitude, a person, and a world that she wasn't meant for given all that she lived through and the vast emptiness she felt in her solitude.  Yet, she refused to succumb and settle for a world that, despite its many sparkles and promises, could never provide a befitting substitute to true love and happiness and would have undoubtedly doubled the weight of emptiness she already felt.  In the end, Ash chose true love and in an instant, the world she found herself in appeared lighter and more alive than she could have ever imagined.  Sigh.  I love happy endings.

Put down the e-reader and pick up a book instead.  The possibilities are endless with a great read.

Too Misty for Xena

I've always considered myself an avid Xena: Warrior Princess (XWP) fan, possessing a fortitude of knowledge in any and all things XWP-related and admitting with neither hesitation nor qualm to my level of geekness.  I remember XWP first aired around the same time I started my sophomore year in college.  Needless to say, I was young and impressionable at the time, yet refused to yield to society's norms even at that tender age.  Is it any wonder why I fell hard, possibly head-over-heels, for XWP?

XWP provided an escape from the mundane and predictable life of the islands.  It offered strong female lead characters (played by the beautiful and talented Lucy Lawless as Xena and Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle) with rich backgrounds who sought out their own way and paved their own paths in history despite the many obstacles they encountered along the way.  XWP also offered an interesting and plausible plot rife with drama and intrigue, just the right amount of humor and wit, and a whole lot of ass-kicking!  I followed Xena and Gabrielle to the very end of their story as they fought for good against evil, for life over death, for redemption and their very salvation, but most notably for honor, friendship, and love.

XWP captivated and inspired me, setting the stage for a life of adventure in a world far beyond my home on that small island in the vast Pacific Ocean.  I sought to incorporate and emulate the enduring values and universal message I garnered from XWP and its courageous and resilient female characters.  And in retrospect, XWP awakened that dormant part of me which questioned my burgeoning sexuality.  In layman's term, XWP opened my eyes to the definite probability that I liked girls way too much than any 'straight' girl should.

So why all this Xena nostalgia, you ask?  Well, as an avid XWP fan like myself, you'd think that I would be privy to a little event called Xena Con.  The truth is I haven't.  And this annual Xena Convention is in its 16th year!  Argh!  This knowledge makes me want to gouge my eyes out!  My geekness has dropped a few levels, but instead of jumping for joy at this fact, I feel utterly dreadful.  And now I just feel like crying.  I'm too misty for XWP.  Sigh.

And to top it all off, I won't be able to attend Xena Con in Los Angeles, CA this weekend (January 28-30 at the Los Angeles Marriott at LAX).  I'm doubling with pain as I type.

In a time of ancient gods, warlords, and kings,

a land in turmoil cried out for a hero.

She was Xena,

a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle.

The power. The passion. The danger.

Her courage will change the world.

-Xena : Warrior Princess, opening credits

When in doubt or in a bind, ask yourself "What would Xena do?"

Philosophical Coffee Talks

JCM and I met up at Barnes and Nobles this morning to resume our long overdue philosophical "coffee talk."  It's been too long since we last engaged in this tradition of ours as family, careers, and shifting priorities crept into the foreground of our lives, unintentionally leaving little or no time for us to continue our ritual.  A ritual that began in our early 20s during a period in our lives when we first began to feel the weight of the world on our shoulders as life's questions went unanswered.  In an attempt to decipher life's often daunting questions, we created an open forum and engaged in honest discussions centered around the gray shades of life.  Through the years, we manged to support one another, to come to each other's defense and aid, when life became too much to bear alone.  And like the Socrates of old, we created a place where we were free to discuss life, death, and everything in between without judgment.

Today's talk was heartfelt and wracked with soul-searching questions.  We tossed ideas around about life and shared insights on the paths we're currently on.  We reflected on the past and hoped for the future, but adamantly vowed to live in the now.  And we vehemently aspired to live authentically, not merely with words, but in our actions.

I am so grateful for JCM's friendship.  He's been there for me during every phase of my life:  my transition from a small plantation town on Oahu, Hawai'i to the bright lights of Manhattan; my coming out; my lonely, angst-ridden twenty-something years; my relationship with her; and my current state of being (i.e., post break up and my ongoing search for me).  He has been an integral part of my life, and I hope our friendship means just as much to him.

On another note, I feel the desperate need to travel.  Although it may not be the most practical time for me to do so given my limited funds, I'm throwing practicality and reasoning out the window.  For so long I've put my dreams and, consequently, my life on hold for practical reasons, yet where and what has that brought me?  Nowhere and nothing.  So I've decided to do the opposite of what my mind tells me and instead follow the yearnings of my heart.  In the words of her Madgesty, "I think I'll follow my heart.  It's a very good place to start."

Live unfettered, but remain true to your heart.

Bounce

I'm trying to bounce back from the recent upheaval in my life, but it's not as easy as it should be.  All I can do is grin (somewhat) and bear (for the most part).  It seems she's bounced back sooner than I expected despite all that we've been through, and I'm still testing my abilities.  It feels like having to learn a basic function all over again after having taken it for granted all these years.  It's fricking hard.  Possibly the hardest thing I must endure.

On a lighter note, check out talented artist James Butterworth and his latest album entitled "Songs for Kahlan," inspired by Legend of the Seeker Cara/Kahlan ship.  This is a must for all you die-hard Cara/Kahlan shippers!

Wake me when it's all over...

Epic Fail and The Road Less Traveled

I did it.  I called my Dad and asked him to move in with me.  Although I'll be relieved to have my Dad near again (to keep an eye on him as he's getting on in age), I can't help but feel that I've somehow failed epically.  Everything's changing, faster than my feeble mind and heart can process.  She's moving out and moving on, and I'm at a standstill, trying to pick up the pieces.  She says she'll still be there to support me, financially or otherwise, but how can I trust that she will after all that's happened?  How can I trust her when not long ago, she promised to love me unconditionally and vowed to be at my side till the very end?  I should have known it was all a ruse...And now I'm burdened and encumbered with the weight of her decision, my resignation, and our mutual understanding.  My high pride refuses to show more, feel more than what I'm truly enduring inside.  At the very least, my dignity is still in tact...right?

Anyway, I digress.  I asked my Dad to move in because...I can't survive on my income alone.  Not with the mortgage and utilities that I'll be responsible for after she leaves.  Although she insists that I have nothing to worry about because she'll assist me financially until who knows when, I can't rely on her promises, on her words, on her.  Hence, my decision to ask my Dad to move up.  I never planned on this, believing we'd somehow make our relationship work and remain together until our last breath, but it's something that I have to do.  I need help, and I must not feel guilty or embarrassed in asking for it.  Sigh.

At least my Dad's happy.  He wants to move up, but I fear it's for other reasons (i.e., gambling and free beer).  I want to laugh, but I know I'll start crying if I do.  This is all so foreign to me, the break up, loneliness, and shattered pieces of the past seven years scattered at my feet, and I'm absolutely scared out of my wits.  This road I'm on is dark and lonely, the air around me dense and filled with shadows, and I want so much to turn and run back to the fork in the road I passed a while back.  To run after her and beg her to stay.  To hold on to something that is familiar and safe, even if it would mean settling and sacrificing my self yet again.  Even if it meant going back to those empty eyes staring back at me and the intimate, loving touch I know will never come again.  Sigh.

I can't.  I won't.  She's made up her mind, and so have I.  We can't go back, not now and maybe not ever.  I am saddened by this knowledge, but there is nothing that I can do to change what is and what can never be.  I'm on this road alone, and I must accept my fate.  I simply must.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 

- "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost

The road ahead is daunting, but I must keep pressing onward.  Maybe someday, everything will make sense.

HeYa!

I heart Glee!  I ship Brittany and Santana!  And I ship Heather Morris and Naya Rivera, otherwise fondly known as "HeYa," more than ever because of this video!

Nuthin' But A Glee Thang with Heather Morris, Matthew Morrison & Sofia Vergara from Heather Morris

Be Gleeful!

Lies

I found out that she's been lying to me...again.  We're no longer together, but apparently things haven't changed.  She's always keeping things from me, thinking I'm better off not knowing.  She's wrong.  I'd rather she told me up front instead of having me find out on my own.  It's worse when I find things out on my own because I feel nothing but anger and betrayal.  Sigh.  This puts things in perspective, and I can honestly say at this moment that I'm relieved we're over.  Unfortunately, we're still orbiting the same space for the time being for financial reasons.  Breaking up is definitely hard to do.

Anyway, I've been trying hard not to think about her and our relationship, especially at work.  Sometimes, my mind wanders to the past, when times were good; when we were together.  A song plays on my Ipod and the memories come flooding in and I can hardly breathe.  It hurts.  It hurts knowing that it's all over after all the time and energy we invested in our relationship.  It pains me that our home is broken and our life together has met an untimely end.  It makes me cry when I think about our boys and the separation my family must soon endure.  It angers me to think about everything we've created and built together, only to have it all come crashing down around us.  And it frightens me that from here on out, I'll be on my own.

I'm not sure what I want.  I know we can't go back to what we had, and I know I have nothing ahead to look forward to.  I'm afraid.  Afraid of what the future may hold for me, for her, for us.  I'm afraid that I'll be alone forever.  That I'll die alone.

I'm afraid that maybe there isn't something more to look forward to in life or someone out there waiting for me...

You think that Luck
Has left you there.
But maybe there's nothing
Up in the sky but air.

And there's no mystical design,
No cosmic lover preassigned.
There's nothing you can find
That can not be found.
'Cause with all the changes
You've been through,
It seems the stranger's always you.
Alone again in some new
Wicked little town.

- "Wicked Little Town (Reprise)"

Hedwig and the Angry Inch

I want to believe that there's something more...I need to believe.

Tabrett Bethell

Tabrett Bethell

Meet Tabrett Bethell.

Now do you understand why I'm absolutely enthralled by this woman?  Go ahead.  Take your time.  Zoom in.  Zoom out.  Assess the situation.  Take all the time you need, but I know it won't take long for you to come around.  Tabrett Bethell is absolutely stunning!  AND she's a brilliant actress!

If you haven't already seen it, you MUST watch Legend of the Seeker!  Tabrett plays the role of Mord'Sith Cara Mason, a fearless and loyal ally to the Seeker fighting to save humankind from evil.  Tabrett Bethell's portrayal of Cara is deathly serious balanced with the right amount of wit and humor.

Cara

Tabrett Bethell IS Cara Mason.  She was the perfect choice for that role.

Tabrett Bethell makes me swoon.  And Cara Mason makes me giggle and swoon.  LoL  I think I'll watch Seasons 1 and 2 of Legend of the Seeker again because I'm in dire need of a Tabrett Bethell/Cara/LotS fix.  My sweet addiction.  Sigh.  I'm such a dork.  LoL

P.S.  If you happen to take my advice about watching Legend of the Seeker, you'll no doubt notice the extreme subtext underlying each scene between Cara and Kahlan, the Mother Confessor (played by the beautiful and talented Bridget Regan).  These two have excellent chemistry!

Kahlan & Cara

Tabrett Bethell ROCKS!

Coast Starlight

I'm thinking about finally taking that trip along the West Coast I always wanted to embark on.  And I'm going solo.  I'm excited and scared at the same time, but I really need this trip to soothe my soul.  I've always loved to travel, whether it be by car, plane, or train.  And this time in my life, after the break up, would be the perfect time to travel solo...to rediscover myself.  To reclaim my life.  To awaken the free-spirit within me.  To pursue my passion.  Sigh.  For the first time in a long time, I can breathe.  Coast Starlight, here I come!

On another note, I told Jacob about the break up.  It felt good to tell someone about what happened and what I'm going through.  It finally feels like this is real, that I'm not in some nightmare trying desperately to open my eyes.  True to form, Jacob gave incite into the matter, and I'm grateful for having a friend like him.  It helps knowing I have someone to lean on during this difficult time.

May you find yourself in everything you do and every road you embark on.

Unraveling

I feel my life unraveling before my very eyes.  I want her to stay, yet I need her to go.  I can't mourn our end until she's truly out of my life.  I haven't even allowed myself to cry.  The tears start to gather in my eyes whenever I think of our life together and how it ended after seven years, but they refuse to fall.  I can't even mourn this loss properly.  Why?  I suppose my pride refuses me to acknowledge the pain though my heart is battered and bruised.  I gave her seven years of my life, and she was my first.  I always thought she would be my last.  I was wrong, and I don't know how I feel about that.  The rational side of me believes this is right, that we had to come to an end because we aren't meant for each other, at least not the way we should be ideally.  But the other side of me, the one that's afraid to envision life without her, wants desperately to hold on to what we had.  I don't know if it's because I'm scared of being alone, of being thrust into the single life once again.  Or maybe it's because I'm afraid of never seeing her face again.  Though she wishes us to remain friends, I simply can't.  I don't want to.  It would be too hard on me to even try.  It's over.  We're over.  She wanted this, and so do I.  But how can I say goodbye to my lover, best friend, and soul mate of seven years?  How can I possibly end that chapter in my life?

I never truly understood how difficult it could be to say goodbye.