I've come to the conclusion that there is no God. This epiphany of sorts came about after an argument with BB. Argument is an understatement. We had a huge fight that had BB ready to leave and me resorting to old ways. Yup. I saw Her again for the first time in ages. Her. The woman in the mirror who screams foul things at me and tells me there's no way out of this mess. The woman in the mirror who reminds me that I'm mediocre at best and that there's no hope in life. She's definitely back, and I've got the bruises on my head to prove it. Needless to say, I scared the shite out of BB. Hell, I scared the shite out of myself too. I thought I'd gotten rid of Her a long time ago. I guess unresolved issues never die. She hasn't, and I don't think she ever will.
As for God, there can't be a supreme being out there. If there were, it wouldn't let humans run rampant, committing evil deeds against humanity and the world. If there were a God, how could it let all these bad things happen to its own creation? How can it simply stand by and watch? I know, it gave us freewill to make the choices we face in life. Well, I didn't have the choice to choose what kind of family I was born into or what kind of genes I have. If I had that choice, do you fucking think I'd be who and what I am today?! Do you fucking think for one second that I'd choose to be this ugly, inside and out?! Do you fucking think that I'd choose to be born to such a screwed-up family?! Do you think I'd choose to experience all the bad things I have?! Do you think I'd choose to go through life's challenges with less than stellar results?! Mother fucking arsehole! Of course not!!! Why the fuck would I choose to look the way I do?! Why the fuck would I choose to have the family I have?! Why the fuck would I choose to have those fucking monsters molest me?! Why the fuck would I choose to be so fucking mediocre at everything I fucking do?! FUCK! Don't feed me all that bullshit about God and freewill. There is neither grace nor mercy in this fucked-up world. There is no true free will; we're all prisoners of our own imperfections.
There is no God. If there were a God and we were all created in its image, then God must be as fucked up as I am. Now that's a scary thought.