Tuesday, September 22, 2009

My Story

There once was a little girl who grew up on a tiny island in the Pacific. She had a mommy, a daddy, and an annoying, but loyal, little brother, as well as a whole lot of extended family who loved her dearly.

As the years passed by, the little girl grew up with her share of heartaches. She lost her innocence at the hands of monsters. She was ridiculed by others for being overweight. She lost her home, her sanctuary, when her parents separated.

Despite the heartaches that plagued her childhood, the little girl grew into a young woman. She carried more baggage than the average person. However, she told herself to wipe away the futile tears and fight back the pain in her heart. She pushed all her awful memories, pain, and fear into a box lodged deep within her soul. She willed herself to see another day because somehow, somewhere she'd find happiness someday. She promised to never look back, even if it meant losing herself, her family, and her friends. She held her head high and moved on.

The young woman couldn't wait to leave the tiny island and everyone she knew. After her college graduation, she was accepted into a law school in the brightest city in the world-New York City. She beamed for weeks, and for the first time, she felt like anything was possible. She left behind her family and friends, as well as her home, without a second glance. No regrets, she thought as she boarded that plane to her new life.

The young woman almost forgot about her home in that far off island in the Pacific, and managed to get by without contact with her family and friends. She made new friends and started a new life. She almost felt whole again, as if this new place, this new life away from everything familiar, would make her a new person. Alas, she realized that no matter how far you go, the call of home beckons.

The young woman returned home after several years, but discovered that home didn't feel the same. Because she spent so many years turning her back to her family and friends' efforts to maintain the bond between them, she managed to loosen, if not break, the ties that bound them together. You see, the woman wanted so much to erase her pain and memories that she told her family point blank that she never gave them much thought because 'out of sight means out of mind.' Despite all this, her family continued to embrace her, despite her attempts to block them out of her life. They loved her, and deep down, she loved them. But no matter how much this woman wanted to return home, to return to the family she left behind, nothing could erase the past.

This woman continues to feel like the outsider looking in. She looks at the family she once belonged to, not believing that she's still very much a part of it. She knows what she has done and how much hurt she has caused, not only to herself, but also to loved ones. She has tried to make amends with the encouragement of her family and friends, but her insecurities and pride get in the way. Moreover, her guilt gets the best of her, and the only way she can cope with the heartache is to push it aside, into that box in her soul, and move on.

Alas, the box, like all barriers, come apart in time. Consequently, her soul is haunted by her past and the future she yearns for, but will never achieve.

Whoever said you can never go home again was absolutely right.