Confessions

I'm officially thirty years old. Wow. We didn't have time to celebrate my birthday this year. Instead, BB and I painted her co-worker's home. I was a bit disappointed that we couldn't spend quality time together on my birthday, but we had pressing matters to focus on and complete. I really didn't feel like celebrating my thirtieth birthday anyway (see previous post).

Autumn called to wish me a happy birthday. It's been a while since we last communicated. I harbored bad feelings towards her after the Disneyland incident, but after a few months, those feelings died down. I'm glad that we're talking again. I've missed having my best friend around. She seems to be doing good, what with a full-time job and a so-called boyfriend (her words, not mine). She wants to buy me an expensive birthday gift. BB claims that Autumn really wants to buy back my friendship. BB may very well be right.

Jacob wrote me a letter confessing his sins. No, he didn't confess to sleeping around again (see prior post). He confessed that he bragged too much about the new home and that his ego grew bigger as a result of that. Of course, I knew that already. He admitted his faults and even admitted that he was jealous about our (BB and I) upcoming summer travel plans. Wow. I don't know why Jacob felt the need to confess his feelings, but maybe he finally got it through his thick skull that our friendship needed some work. Of course, he was totally off base with the reason why our friendship changed for the worse.

The real reason why our friendship is on shaky ground is Jacob has a big mouth (i.e., he's resorted to sharing my personal business with others) and I really don't enjoy Lucas's company (he's manipulative and judgmental). Jacob always had a big mouth, but he never betrayed me. Not until recently when mutual friends would ask me something they heard from Jacob about me. That angered me, and that's part of the reason why I put our friendship on the back burner. The issue with Lucas, however, took me by surprise. At first, I adored Lucas. He would call me to ask about Jacob, like what type of things would make Jacob happy, what he should get Jacob as a gift, and if Jacob really loved him. I would tell him everything I knew and comfort him when he had doubts, but then all that stopped when Lucas finally had Jacob wrapped around his finger. Lucas has Jacob locked into a situation that won't be easy for Jacob to get out of. Lucas is also judgmental about my career choices and condescending when Jacob's back is turned, and that sent me reeling over the edge. Who the hell was he to judge me?! And what gives him the right to act that way towards BB and I?! I wanted to break Lucas's heart so many times by telling him about Jacob's infidelity. But, that would mean betraying Jacob in the process and I don't think that I could do that to him.

Maybe I'm overly sensitive or even blowing things out of proportion. Or maybe with age, I've grown intolerant to others' bullshit and games. At this point in my life, I really don't want to open up to new people or make amends with old friends. I just don't care. But some part of me does care, and I hope and pray that I'll learn to stop pushing others away. I'm fricking thirty now. I need to grow up and move on.




By the way, MADONNA is in town. I couldn't afford tickets to see her this time around. Awful, no? A friend claimed that I'm not a true Madonna fan because I failed to purchase tickets to her Confessions tour. Ouch! That was downright mean.

I <3 MADONNA!

30/06

I'm turning 30 sooner than I anticipated. I'm dangling over the edge of 29, and I'm afraid. Afraid of turning the big 3-O, of getting on in age with nothing tangible to secure my future. I feel like I'm standing still at this very moment, the past behind me and the future awaits me. As if I'm at a crossroads, but I can't turn back to the past and I'm looking at my future with trepidation. Everything will change. Everything has changed. There's just something about turning 30. I'll no longer be a twenty-something caught up in my own drama and searching for truth. It's acceptable for you to be undecided and lost in the ways of life when you're twenty-something. Nothing makes much sense, but that's OK. In your twenties, your goal is to figure things out, to question authority, to live unfettered, and to fly. At 30, however, you have to leave all that behind and know something, anything. It's expected of you. You have to be responsible and successful. You have to focus on other people, on other things, and no longer on just yourself. You have to know where to find yourself and where you're going. From here on out, you can't make a move until you've consulted with your financial planner. No more living in the now. Instead, it's all about creating a hefty nest for your impending retirement. It's all about living your last days in the best elderly home you can afford. It's frightening and overwhelming when you're turning 30 in 2006.

Stop the clock - Take time out

Time to regroup before you lose the bout

Freeze the frame - Back it up

Time to refocus before they wrap it up

Years are getting shorter

Lines on your face are getting longer

Feel like you're treading water

But the riptide's getting stronger

Don't panic, don't jump ship

Can't fight it, like taxes

At least it happens only once in your life

They're singing, "Happy Birthday"

You just wanna lay down and cry

Not just another birthday, it's 30/90

Why can't you stay 29

Hell, you still feel like you're 22

Turn thirty, 1990

Bang! You're dead

What can you do?

What can you do?

What can you do?

Clear the runway - Make another pass

Try one more approach before you're out of gas

Friends are getting fatter

Hairs on your head are getting thinner

Feel like a clean up batter

On a team that ain't a winner

Don't freak out, don't strike out

Can't fight it, like City Hall

At least you're not alone

Your friends are there too

They're singing, "Happy Birthday"

You just wish you could run away

Who cares about a birthday?

But 30/90, hey

Can't you be optimistic?

You're no longer the ingenue

Turn thirty, 1990

Boom! You're passe

What can you do?

What can you do?

What can you do?

Peter Pan and Tinkerbell

Which way to Never Never Land?

Emerald City's gone to hell

Since the wizard blew off his command

On the streets you hear the voices

Lost children, crocodiles

But you're not into

Making choices, wicked witches,

Poppy fields, or men behind the curtain

Tiger lilies, ruby slippers

Clock is ticking, that's for certain

They're singing, "Happy Birthday"

I just wish it all were a dream

It feels much more like doomsday

Fuck

30/90

Seems like I'm in for a twister

I don't see a rainbow, do you?

Turn 30 in the 90's

Into my hands now

The ball has passed

I want the spoils, but not too fast

The world is calling

It's now or Neverland

Why can't I stay a child forever

and

30/90

30/90

30/90

30/90

30/90

30/90

What can I do?

What can I do?

-"30/90" from Tick Tick Boom

by Jonathan Larson

Living a Lie

I received an e-mail from Lucas, informing me that he and Jacob are moving into their new home next week. Although I'm happy for them, there's a part of me that's a bit envious. I'm envious about their new home, not about their relationship. BB and I hope to purchase a home sometime this year and to settle in somewhere once and for all, but our finances have been...lacking. Although we don't have much money, we have eachother and are very much in love. And here's where Lucas and Jacob are lacking. I have no doubt that Lucas loves Jacob, but Jacob is another story.

Jacob and I were friends since middle school. We grew up together, shared our dreams together, and "came out" together. We didn't really come out together. He was blatantly gay, and I was obscurely a lesbian. However, we shared the same pain, relief, and happiness in coming out. When I moved here, Jacob followed. Then he met Lucas, and everything changed.

Before Lucas entered the picture, Jacob never settled for just anyone. His longest committed relationship was all of two months. In the beginning, Jacob hooked up with Lucas for sex. When their so-called relationship turned serious and too much for Jacob, he called it quits. Lucas couldn't let him go that easilty, but Jacob as soon as forgot Lucas until I stepped in. While out on the town one night, we stopped at a club and found Lucas waiting anxiously to "bump" into Jacob by chance (or not). It was awkward, and Jacob demanded we ditch the club before Lucas returned from the restroom. Jacob was furious and wanted to hightail it out of there without saying goodbye to Lucas. I said that was rude, and so we stayed. When Lucas returned, he asked to talk privately with Jacob. A few minutes later, they returned and were officially back together, although the look on Jacob's face was that of discomfort. Lucas, on the other hand, beamed with joy. Fast forward several months into their relationship, when Jacob cheated on Lucas with a beefy bartender. Jacob shared the news with me and even invited me to meet the bartender. It was awkward, but Jacob looked happy. A few weeks later, Jacob felt guilty and vowed to remain faithful to Lucas. I didn't buy it, but I hoped that he would stay faithful so long as he remained in a relationship with Lucas. A few months later, Jacob left for Iraq, and when he returned, he claimed that he would no longer take Lucas for granted and that he would put a hundred percent into their relationship. I still didn't buy it and wondered how much he had put into his relationship with Lucas before this epiphany. I also wondered if he had cheated on Lucas yet again while in Iraq and felt guilty about his infidelity. Now, they've purchased a home together and are moving in next week.

Lucas and Jacob have been together for a little over three years, and I'm happy for the both of them. Lucas is happy and loves Jacob dearly. Jacob seems happy, although I believe his happiness stems from the new home. I remain suspicious of Jacob's true intentions, most notably after recently claiming that he felt "trapped" in his relationship. I hope that Jacob knows what he's doing and that he understands the consequences of his actions. If down the road Jacob wants out of this relationship, it'll be more difficult now that they share real property together. The happiness he feels at the moment because of the new home is a fleeting emotion. Their home will no longer be "new" and he'll have to face the truth. That or face the consequences of living a lie.

Anthony Rapp at The Center

My friend, Sabrina, and I attended an autograph signing and Q&A session of Anthony Rapp's book, Without You, at The Center for GLBT tonight. A. Rapp read a passage from his book about coming out to his mother and how he felt about the experience. At the end of the Q&A, he sang "Seasons of Love" acapella. It was great! He was great! We had a grand time, and I'm awfully glad that I decided to go. Sabrina anxiously awaited this moment, rambling on and on, something she hardly ever does, and even turning red when she finally had her one-on-one face time with A. Rapp. What floored her was A. Rapp actually knew her through a mutual theater-industry friend. She turned as red as she could be and continued to ramble on. LoL She said, "I hope you don't think that I'm harassing you...." In response, A. Rapp said, "No, I don't think that I'm being harassed" or something along that line. LoL She was hilarious. I, on the other hand, didn't know what to say to A. Rapp. I felt ashamed that I didn't purchase his book and that I didn't have something great to ask him. I simply shook his hand and said "Hi! Nice to meet you." Then I asked if he could sign my Rent DVD and take a picture with me. All the while, he was compliant and awfully nice, though a bit withdrawn. He looked tired. Maybe he felt like a fish out of water here as opposed to being perfectly at ease in the bright lights of NYC. Who can blame him. Sabrina and I took pictures with him after fixing her digital camera, which didn't work the first time around. Thank goodness it finally worked, although I blinked in my picture with A. Rapp. Oh well. It was quite an experience, and I enjoyed every minute of it.

I'm listening to Wicked The Musical. I'd love to see Idina Menzel reprise her role as Elpheba in London. I missed the Defying Gravity Tour last year, although I didn't know the musical existed then.

I should get ready for bed. I have to work tomorrow. BB's already asleep, looking every bit as beautiful as she does awake. I love her so much. I'm going to end it here, snuggle next to BB, and join her in dreamland.

Another One Bites The Dust

The other day, I called my brother Quinn and he practically chewed my head off. I thought, 'WTF?!' What the hell was up his ass, and why was he taking it out on me? I offered to drop by his place to drop off the vacuum and pick up my check, and his response was "If you come over, be presentable." I inquired as to what he meant, and he said "You know, no shorts." I didn't know why he said that, and as usual, I pondered over that statement until I came to a conclusion. Besides being a jerk, my brother seems to have crossed over to the other side. The side where money buys you a reputation and high fashion dresses your ego. I don't have the money, the fashion, or the looks. Hence, I don't fit into his world. I'm not "presentable." I'm a disgrace. Sometimes, I can read it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. I was once the one he looked up to, so he claimed, but now I've fallen from grace because I've chosen to live my life on my terms. I've chosen not to practice law, letting my degree go to waste or so he and countless others claim. But it's my life, and I make all the decisions. I used to take so many others' opinions and best interests into consideration about how I should live my life, but not anymore. Those times were difficult. Every step I took, I took with trepidation and with the weight of so many on my shoulders. So what if I choose not to buy into the world he lives in or aspires to be a part of? I don't care about money and fame. Fashion and looks were never my finest traits. I am who I am, and I'm beginning to like the person I've become. I'm so much happier than I've ever been doing what I'm doing, which isn't practicing law. So my brother can be disappointed in me and even ashamed of me. I'm better off now that I'm no longer disappointed and ashamed of myself.

Since that conversation, I've been so angry at my brother. And I'm very disappointed in him. He's changed so much these years we've been apart, and for so long I've failed to admit that he's changed for the worse. I guess I didn't want to see that ugly side of him. That side of him that looked down on others and saw only their flaws. That side of him that cared too much about what others thought of him and that desperately needed others to think he was high class. Face it, bro. We're not high class. Dad looked out of place in that suit you picked out for him. Mom's still judged by her past. I'm never going to live up to your standards as to what an older sister and attorney should be. You're never going to survive in this world if you continue down the path you're on. I've been there, and it was hell. I took that year off because I couldn't stand the pressure that I put upon myself, caring about what others thought about me and failing to heed what my heart wanted. My heart wanted me to be at peace. To find peace within myself. To listen to my heart instead of my mind, where I kept hearing Mom's encouraging words, where I saw Dad smile at me with pride, and where I felt your admiration for me. Little did I know that these thoughts would break me. Although they were inspirational, they were also detrimental to my well being. They were constantly in my head, pushing me to be someone I knew I would never be. When the truth became clear, those thoughts simultaneously became heavy. So heavy that I began to drown. I could hardly breath. I guess you could say that I had a mental breakdown last year. I couldn't face the world until I came to terms with myself. And now I have. I'm living my life on my own terms. I'm making decisions based on what's best for me. For the first time in a long time, I can breathe again.

That's what I thought about my brother and his statements until I came upon some ghastly news last night. I discovered that my brother didn't pass the bar exam. Duh! Now it all makes sense. He chewed my head off and said those awful things to me because he was upset and angry. I remember the feeling. I think I'll forgive him this time. What else can I do when another one bites the dust? I feel sorry for him, but there's a part of me that's almost glad he didn't pass. Evil of me, no? I just want him to learn something from all this. I want him to learn that things don't come easy in life and people aren't perfect. Maybe next time, he won't judge others too harshly because they haven't lived up to some standard.

I'm Back

It's been a while since I accessed my blog. I've been away, if you haven't noticed (tsk, tsk). But thankfully, I'm back. And now I can resume where I left off with this blog, sharing my thoughts and opinions on some thing or other. Who am I kidding? I'm here for one purpose. To rant, rave, vent, and b*tch about everything and everyone! Nothing's safe from my wrath.

Yup. It's great to be back.

Truth and Lies

So many white lies enter everyday life, hiding the truth and keeping people at bay. So many white lies, seemingly small and unimportant, affect people, relationships, and situations. Sometimes, I just want to scream at the top of my lungs 'Enough already!' The truth is always better than some white lie. Don't pretend you're going to do something, but know deep down inside that you're not going to do it. Don't tell someone you're going to do something, but know all along that you would never do it. A so-called friend reassured me that she would send me her old digital camera. I didn't ask for it. She willingly said that she would give it to me condition free. Of course, I knew that this was too much to ask and too good to be true, but she is (er, was) a good friend, so I trusted her. She never sent it. But hey, I'm not ranting because she didn't send me the camera. Hell, I could care less about the camera! I'm furious that she failed to tell me that she's changed her mind or that she never really and seriously considered sending me the camera in the first place! We're friends! She can tell me anything. All this over a stupid, miscellaneous thing?! Come on! Lately, she's been avoiding me. The audacity! And it seems as if she's decided that our conversation never happened and that our friendship somehow never existed. Have the fucking decency to let me know the truth or at least acknowledge the situation! At least admit you promised something, even if you never fulfilled that promise! At least say something, anything, even if we both have to pretend that we never had that conversation about the fucking camera. LoL This is insanity. I guess I know who my true friends are. Wow. A friendship at stake because of a white lie. A friendship forgotten because the truth seemed harder to share and lies seemed easier to bear. Unbelievable.

October's finally here. I love Halloween. Ghosts, goblins, and skeletons roam about freely, and monsters shed their masks without inhibition. It's a chance for abnormality to reign supreme until the clock strikes midnight and everything bizarre resembling signs of individuality is swept back into the closet. Everyone resumes wearing their same old masks again. Day in, day out. How sad. And oh the madness!

I started a new book the other day. The Sound and the Fury by William Faulkner. I also picked up The Ugly American by William J. Lederer and Eugene Burdick and Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer. Let's see if I get through them all. Sometimes, I wish I could stand to read one of those cheesy romance novels for a change and afford my mind a brief respite from the big books that matter. I used to read those romance novels as a teenager when nothing seemed more important than love and angst. Ah, the horror! But now I've grown older and wiser. I know that all that stuff is pure bullshit and mere fluff. They create unreasonable expectations and recycle cliches. There are no happy endings, and the agony persists in some form or another. Cynical? I suppose I am. Cynical about the importance of romace novels, that is. I'm not at all cynical about love. I've found the love of my life, but I know that our story didn't end when we finally met. After the inital bliss, our eyes opened, and the world invaded our happy beginning, not ending. We're continuously facing new challenges as a couple, sometimes good and other times bad, and consequently writing new chapters to our story. Like every great novel, it takes a lot of time, energy, and commitment to make it a success. All this incite from once subjecting myself to the world of romance novels and its awful plots. I take it back. Maybe they're not as useless as I initially believed.

Blood Relations

My brother, Quinn, will be graduating from law school in January 2006. I'm very proud of him. I always have been, even when the green-eyed monster surfaced and sibling rivalry, self-induced or otherwise, engulfed us countless times in the past. He is my brother, after all, and I love him. And as we've grown older and somewhat wiser, we've come to respect eachother and see one another as worthy persons and, most importantly, as worthy siblings, not only because of our accomplishments and success, but simply because we're blood. After all that's said and done, blood definitely runs thicker than water. At least between us, that is.

Anyway, I'm about to begin reading The Dante Club by Matthew Pearl. Any idea if it's worth the read? I picked it up because it appears to have an aura about it similar to The Da Vinci Code and because it revolves around Dante's visions in The Divine Comedy, which I never got around to finishing. Horrible of me, I know. I think I made it as far as Circle VI. Ah, bloody hell!

Desperate Situation

What makes someone so desperate enough to let go of their beliefs? A childhood friend, Autumn, surprised me this weekend by shooting down her long-held beliefs about relationships and the boundaries that should not be crossed unless the signs point that way. What happened to the vow she made time and again and the undefeated attitude she protrayed to everyone when things didn't turn out as she had expected? Of course, we all knew that somewhere underneath all her layers of protection lay a fragile heart capable of hurting. Yet, through it all, she took control of each situation and twisted it until its demise empowered her. But now it seems the tables have turned, and Autumn is losing control. Her actions are a desperate cry for help. A cry that results from years of being let down. A cry that continues as the years pass without hope. I don't know how to help her. I guess we all have to make our own mistakes, but how can I tell her that she's making the biggest mistake by letting herself go? By letting herself lose control of a situation that's leading her down the path of destruction? I've tried to be a good friend, giving her the kind of advice that I hope she'll give me someday when I'm in a dire state as she's in now. But my advice falls by the wayside as she desperately seeks inner peace in all the wrong places. All I can do is pray that she'll get through this without losing all hope. For without hope, there's nothing left but a desperate situation.

Thirty Minutes

You would be proud of me if you knew me. I've been productive for thirty minutes a day at least three times a week. Breathing in life, breathing out bad habits. Well, at least trying to anyway. Thirty minutes of vigorous movement, drenched in sweat. Determined to make something out of this. Hoping to figure things out before my time's up. Wanting to be better, to feel better, to look better. Needing to find some release. Release from all things wrong in my life, and holding steadfast to the only thing that's right. Thirty minutes of freedom and bliss. Thirty minutes of pain and suffering. All this in just thirty minutes.

Time's up.

Fair Tax and Other Thoughts

Have you heard of the Fair Tax proposal? If so, what do you think about it? For those of you who haven't heard about it, the Fair Tax proposes to "abolish the Internal Revenue Service and replace all federal payroll taxes- from income tax to social security and Medicare tax- with a consumption tax on only retail goods and services." Isom, Kevin. "Fair Tax? Gaily Forward!." OUT Las Vegas Sept. 2005: 8. Hmm...sounds pretty good, huh? My only concern is how much the consumption tax would be. Otherwise, abolishing the IRS and federal tax return filings would benefit everyone, including gay and lesbian families, on an equal level as opposed to the way things are right now. Currently, legally married gay and lesbian couples in Massachusetts and domestic partners everywhere else do not enjoy the federal tax benefits that married heterosexuals do. Thus, the Fair Tax proposal would rectify this inequality by abolishing the IRS and replacing federal payroll taxes with a consumption tax that would afford the same benefits at the same cost to everyone.

Listen up! We're here, we're not going anywhere, and we're demanding equality now! And while I'm expressing my opinion, screw the Defense of Marriage Act and its supporters! And that includes the ever incompetent Bush!

Now I'm hungry. Time to eat leftovers as I mull over what to write about next. These after-midnight feedings aren't good for me and my diet. But what the hell, right?! You only live once! Right! Right?! Right?

The weekend came and went without any highlights, unless you consider shopping at the 99cents store a highlight. In some way, it is. You can purchase a lot for your money. Just make sure the item you're purchasing hasn't expired. That would definitely dampen your highlighted spirits.

I started a new book entitled Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See. I'm hoping it will be a worthwhile read and a good find. The first few pages have kept me interested thus far, but it takes a great book to keep me reading until the very last page and wanting more even after it's over. The last book I read which kept me absolutely enthralled was Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. I can't hardly wait for book seven, the last and final book in the Harry Potter series. I think I'm going to cry. By the way, for those of you in dire need of a Harry Potter fix after reading HBP, check this out. It'll give you hope.

Memoirs of a Geisha will soon be in theaters. I loved the book. Hopefully, the movie does the book justice, but movies never do books justice.

Maybe the Fair Tax proposal will bring us all justice for a change.

LSD II

So where did I leave off? I discussed the terror I felt as a 1L. But my first year wasn't as terrifying as I perceived it to be going in. My own insecurities and fears raised the terror level to orange, but eventually the terror subsided as I broke out of my shell and adapted to the law school environment.

And it is true what they say about law school: The first year they scare you to death. The second year they work you to death. And the third year they bore you to death. I was terrified my first year as I explained in my previous post. And I don't think I ever worked as hard and studied as much my whole life (except during the bar exam) as I did my second year. By the time my third year rolled by, I grew brave and became comfortable enough to skip several classes that bored me and even managed to pass Wills, Trusts, and Estates with the worst grade I ever got in law school and without breaking a sweat. That was the sweetest part. Knowing that I beat the system and came out triumphant on my own terms and without fear.

However, the best part about my law school experience was living in the Big Apple. New York City. The mecca of all meccas. My mecca. My dream came true when I set foot in NYC and made it my home away from home for three years. I loved every single bit of it, from the towering buildings to the putrid smell emanating from somewhere in Chinatown/Canal Street. The rush I felt from living in the big city overwhelmed me at times to the point of tears. But its energy jolted me into existence. 'I am alive,' I thought to myself countless times as I breathed in the big city air. My ambrosia. My freedom. My awakening.

Law School Daze

West, a friend from law school, contacted me today. Hearing from him again brought back memories of that period in my life when everything seemed to be right on track, even though it seemed I lived through it in a daze. A happy kind of daze...at times. The type of daze in which you have to pinch yourself every now and then to believe what's happening to you, even during the sometimes awful situations you're thrust into. Law school daze.

Law school. When I think about it, sometimes I look back fondly. And other times, I cringe. A whole lot of shit happened then. So much that I'm a new person because of it. Of course, NYC helped just as much to bring me out of my shell. It was a time and place that needed to happen in order for me to find myself. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Where do I begin? It's been a little over four years since I graduated from law school in the Big Apple. I was so happy and full of pride when I accepted my diploma. I made it. Finally. To think that three years earlier, I was a small town plantation girl with big dreams, hoping to pursue those dreams in the bright lights of the biggest city. It happened. I'm sure it did. I have the scars to prove it. Sometimes, I still have to pinch myself.

Law school is every bit as difficult as everyone perceives it to be. Difficult and then some. I got through my first year with flying colors. I passed. Simply passing and ensuring your seat for the following academic year is the best thing that could ever happen to a 1L. There's nothing more or less to expect than simply passing. You see, I dreaded each class during my first year, worried that I didn't study hard enough and frightened that the professor would choose to blind me with the spotlight this time around. When you're under the spotlight, you're dead. It doesn't matter if you're on the right track. Somehow, the professor's sting will derail you. It all depends on the professor, of course. I believe that the ones who have actually practiced law are less likely to have a gavel stuck up their ass. It's the real professors (i.e., the ones who never actually practiced law, but wished they had) that you have to worry about. They're the ones you have to walk around on eggshells for. They take their rage out on law students to make up for their own incompetence. But don't get me wrong. Every legal professor should be feared. They have the power to wield the Socratic method over your head and cut you down whenever they want to for whatever reason. I remember the time my secured transactions professor screamed at the top of his lungs at a fellow student, inquiring menacingly "Are you stupid?!" And it's not only the professor's wrath you have to worry about. You also have to worry about the hyenas (i.e., arrogant law students) that are waiting to eat you alive as they snicker over your downfall. Your falling is the perfect excuse for them to step on you as they climb the ladder to success. Anyway, I hated the Socratic method. Sometimes, I still cringe when asked a question. And I hated those hyenas, who have now infiltrated the workplace. But I'm sure they're unhappy and paying for their sins. No doubt.

Sleep Cut Short

BB's left for work, and I'm left alone with my thoughts yet again. I don't know how BB does it, willing herself out of bed at such an awful hour (12 a.m.) to get to work at 1 a.m. Just awful. But, she's a trooper, and I love her even more for that.

I've been having a difficult time sleeping after BB leaves. I don't know why, but it has something to do with fear. Fear of the unknown, mostly. It's only gotten worse after watching The Exorcism of Emily Rose. What's funny is I love horror movies and had no problem watching that genre of films alone in a dark room not so long ago. But, for some odd reason or another, I can't even look at my DVD collection without skipping over the horror titles. I blame my dilemma on getting older and wiser. There are things in this world that exist and can't be explained (without coming off as being insane), and no longer can I will myself to turn a blind eye. Especially not after hearing BB's personal experiences on the supernatural, which are embedded in my head, churning my stomach. To be honest, I believe that BB's the reason why I'm so afraid. Strange things have happened to her in the past, and I believe that she's a magnet for such things. Being so close with her inevitably opens me up to such things too, right? I shudder to think so, and I pray it's not true. O.K. I'm changing the subject now.

I wonder if anyone's going to read my blog? I don't care one way or the other, just as long as no one recognizes it's me. I don't plan on telling my family, friends, or colleagues about this blog. Wouldn't want to give them another reason to pass judgment on me. However, I have disclosed the existence of this blog with BB, whom I choose to share everything with. Even if I didn't, I'd somehow manage to blurt it out, especially if I'm feeling a bit guilty about what I've done or how I feel. Anyway, I haven't given BB my blog address, and it's because I really want to keep this blog all to myself. Doing so will make my entries all the more authentic. I'll get to bounce off the walls while recording my deepest, darkest secrets and innermost fears about everything, including my relationship with BB. I'll probably let BB in on my blog entries eventually, but hopefully that won't change my mission.

It's 1:32 a.m. The telly's on. I'm hungry. Just awful. I wish BB were here so I can shut off my brain and fall asleep next to her. Sigh.

I see that my friend is online. I'm tempted to IM her, but I dread hearing what she'll bitch about this time. Hey, I bitch as much as the next person, but I don't let it drag on and on and on and on...At least I hope not! I've been avoiding my friends lately because they've been depressed about their situations (i.e., love life), and their depression gets me depressed about my situation (i.e., unemployment). It's a harsh cycle, and I want to break away from it for a while.

Suze Orman is on the telly. Ugh. Don't lecture me. I hate lectures. If only her solutions to my problems were as easy as she claims they are. It's not. Easy, that is. Maybe if she throws me a huge lifesaver filled with thousands of shiny, new greenbacks, then I'd listen to her irritating lecture on my financial situation and believe there's hope for me still. Until then, shut the f*ck up! Time to change the channel. Hmm...hold on. Maybe I should listen to her just a bit more. Ahhh, hell. My credit's screwed anyhow.

I've rambled on for sometime now. I'm sleepy. I should get to bed. Maybe I'll watch a DVD. Something positive for a change. I guess I'll end it here and peruse my DVD collection, skipping over the horror titles of course.

Effrenus

Effrenus: wild, unrestrained, unchecked, unbridled.

I created this blog to serve as an escape from reality. A blog in which I can speak my mind freely and without inhibitions. Free from restraints, my mind clears and the truth is illuminated. Truth about my existence and the world's. Thus, it begins here...Illustro!