Confessions

I'm officially thirty years old. Wow. We didn't have time to celebrate my birthday this year. Instead, BB and I painted her co-worker's home. I was a bit disappointed that we couldn't spend quality time together on my birthday, but we had pressing matters to focus on and complete. I really didn't feel like celebrating my thirtieth birthday anyway (see previous post).

Autumn called to wish me a happy birthday. It's been a while since we last communicated. I harbored bad feelings towards her after the Disneyland incident, but after a few months, those feelings died down. I'm glad that we're talking again. I've missed having my best friend around. She seems to be doing good, what with a full-time job and a so-called boyfriend (her words, not mine). She wants to buy me an expensive birthday gift. BB claims that Autumn really wants to buy back my friendship. BB may very well be right.

Jacob wrote me a letter confessing his sins. No, he didn't confess to sleeping around again (see prior post). He confessed that he bragged too much about the new home and that his ego grew bigger as a result of that. Of course, I knew that already. He admitted his faults and even admitted that he was jealous about our (BB and I) upcoming summer travel plans. Wow. I don't know why Jacob felt the need to confess his feelings, but maybe he finally got it through his thick skull that our friendship needed some work. Of course, he was totally off base with the reason why our friendship changed for the worse.

The real reason why our friendship is on shaky ground is Jacob has a big mouth (i.e., he's resorted to sharing my personal business with others) and I really don't enjoy Lucas's company (he's manipulative and judgmental). Jacob always had a big mouth, but he never betrayed me. Not until recently when mutual friends would ask me something they heard from Jacob about me. That angered me, and that's part of the reason why I put our friendship on the back burner. The issue with Lucas, however, took me by surprise. At first, I adored Lucas. He would call me to ask about Jacob, like what type of things would make Jacob happy, what he should get Jacob as a gift, and if Jacob really loved him. I would tell him everything I knew and comfort him when he had doubts, but then all that stopped when Lucas finally had Jacob wrapped around his finger. Lucas has Jacob locked into a situation that won't be easy for Jacob to get out of. Lucas is also judgmental about my career choices and condescending when Jacob's back is turned, and that sent me reeling over the edge. Who the hell was he to judge me?! And what gives him the right to act that way towards BB and I?! I wanted to break Lucas's heart so many times by telling him about Jacob's infidelity. But, that would mean betraying Jacob in the process and I don't think that I could do that to him.

Maybe I'm overly sensitive or even blowing things out of proportion. Or maybe with age, I've grown intolerant to others' bullshit and games. At this point in my life, I really don't want to open up to new people or make amends with old friends. I just don't care. But some part of me does care, and I hope and pray that I'll learn to stop pushing others away. I'm fricking thirty now. I need to grow up and move on.




By the way, MADONNA is in town. I couldn't afford tickets to see her this time around. Awful, no? A friend claimed that I'm not a true Madonna fan because I failed to purchase tickets to her Confessions tour. Ouch! That was downright mean.

I <3 MADONNA!