The Open Road, Part Two

Random shots of the open road from my recent trip to Reno, San Francisco, and back to Las Vegas via the byways of California.

Lake Tahoe, CA

On the way to Napa, CA

San Luis Reservoir, CA

The Open Road, Part One

I recently returned from a three-day road trip with my family from Las Vegas to Reno and San Francisco.  I had a brilliant time away from the mundane reality of my everyday life and momentarily forgot the drama I've been through.  Now I'm back in Vegas, resuming old patterns and missing my family dearly.  God, do I miss traveling the open road...

We spent a few hours in Reno, NV.

Lombard Street and the city by the Bay.

Powell & Hyde Street trolley at Lombard and Hyde.

The Hunger

Island Sushi & Grill, 9400 S. Eastern Ave., Henderson, NV

Malasadas Sundae

My family is in town for the next several days, and all we seem to be doing is feeding and leaving empty plates in the wake of all the carnage!

By the way, I rate Island Sushi and Grill a 3 out of 5 stars only because the portions were a bit small to my liking.  However, I rate the Malasadas Sundae 5 stars!  It was delightful!

The Strip

The Las Vegas Strip

I took this photo of the Strip from the third floor balcony of the Hard Rock after Brandi Carlile's concert. The view was cool. LV is pretty at night if you forget for a moment that it's all artificial lighting and crap.

Brandi Carlile Live and Unplugged

Brandi Carlile performing "Dying Day" unplugged!

How cute is Brandi in this photo?

"Dying Day" unplugged

Brandi and the twins, Tim and Phil

I saw Brandi Carlile perform live at the Hard Rock on the Strip tonight. Needless to say, Brandi, the twins, and the rest of her band were absolutely brilliant!!! She sang a few of her classics ("The Story," "Again Today," and "Dreams" to name a few), a couple of songs off her soon-to-be-released fourth album ("Rattled" was impressive), and a few cover songs (The Beatles' "I've Just Seen A Face," Alphaville's "Forever Young," and Patsy Cline's "Crazy").  Their encore performance of "I Wanna Be Sedated" by The Ramones was fricking awesome and had me dancing my bum off!  But, the best performance of the night was most likely Brandi and the band performing "Dying Day" unplugged!!! BRILLIANT!!!

I loved the fact that Brandi is kind, personable, and a bit quirky (i.e, she made some cute hand and face gestures while performing)! At some point during the show, Brandi answered a fan's phone and spoke to the person on the other line!  She was funny and maintained a great rapport with the audience.  And she was very hot and absolutely adorable!  It's a shame she's off the market; I'm sure a lot of hearts were broken last night when she dedicated "Forever Young" to her "sweetheart."  The silence was deafening, but I'm one lesbian who's thrilled that Brandi Carlile is in love and happy.

Needless to say, I had an amazing night. It was a much needed change to my bleak and drama-filled life. And I'm absolutely thrilled that I can check "See Brandi Carlile live" off my bucket list. Yay!

*Note:  The first three photos were taken during Brandi's unplugged performance of "Dying Day."  Brilliant, I tell you!

Mercutio

Happy Endings and Self Love

I watched a touching film called "Shelter" the other day and bawled at the happy ending.  I didn't cry tears of happiness, but rather of sadness over the life I used to have with her.  I cried for the happy ending we didn't have and for a happy ending that I've lost all hope in.  I don't know if I'll get a second chance at love, but I pray that I will.

Then I came across the following brilliant, insightful, and inspirational passage in The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have by Mark Nepo :

"...give up the want of another and be who you are, and more often than not, love will come at the precise moment you are simply loving yourself" (Nepo 166).

My whole life before her, I've yearned for love, to be loved, to live the emotion without really understanding what it meant to love and without really loving myself first and foremost.  I've been so caught up in love and finding love that I never fully appreciated and acknowledged my own self-worth and beauty.  I've always needed to fill that void within me, even if it meant settling for something less than the real thing.  Sigh.  I was wrong to believe that the void in me could only be filled by loving someone other than myself.  I know now that I must focus on loving myself, and maybe someday, when I least expect it, love will find me.  By then, I'll be ready.

Sigh.  I guess something good came out of the break up after all.

Love thyself.

Lazy Boys

I love the way my boys, Harper and Artemis, match the color scheme in my home. LoL Mercutio is MIA; he doesn't enjoy being photographed. I'll get a good shot of him someday.

"How do you measure a year?"

"Measure in love." - RENT

I love this musical! I always listen to the OBC recording whenever I'm feeling down. It inspires me to live, to be grateful for each day, every second, every breath...

Oh Baby!

Meet my adorable little cousin, Drake Preston!

Meaningful Words

I'm currently reading David Levithan's The Lover's Dictionary, a story about love and relationships.  The novel is interesting in that it literally reads like a dictionary with the narrator's personal insight and impressions used to describe specific words.

Here are a few meaningful words from the The Lover's Dictionary, which are some of my personal favorites:

"abyss, n.  There are times when I doubt everything.  When I regret everything you've taken from me, everything I've given you, and the waste of all the time I've spent on us" (Levithan 6).

"barfly, n.  You have the ability to talk to anyone, which is an ability I do not share" (Levithan 27).

"motif, n.  You don't love me as much as I love you.  You don't love me as much as I love you.  You don't love me as much as I love you" (Levithan 144).

"serrated, adj.  And you said, 'I'm not sure we can'" (Levithan 180).

Notice how my personal favorites are quite dark and depressing?  I gather they stood out because they fit my mood perfectly at the moment.  But I digress...

The Lover's Dictionary by David Levithan is a brilliant must-read!

broken, adj.  How I felt when she said, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you."

Good

I was flipping through the channels yesterday, and I came across the music video for "Good" by Better Than Ezra.  In an instant, my mind flooded with thoughts of my summer in Washington, DC during my stint with the FBI Honors Internship Program...Thoughts good and bad, bleeding into one memorable experience that served as my stepping stone off the island I was born and raised on and into the world that would shape me into the woman I would become.  Sigh.  I often think back to that young, naive girl who was just stepping into her own, wondering where she found the courage, inspiration, and stamina to go forth and conquer...

Fast forward fourteen years, and I feel somewhat like the girl I left behind, embarking on a new chapter in my life.  I feel the same dread and insecurity, but none of the happiness and excitement.  I gather it's because I'm no longer young and naive (although I could argue that well into the night), and the prospect of starting a new chapter and turning over a new leaf at the age of thirty-four going on thirty-five is more than a bit daunting.  The truth is I'm absolutely frightened.  And the added weight of a seven-year relationship gone bad, as well as the multitude of insecurities that come with the fallout, packed into one large well-worn suitcase is too much to bear for even my broad shoulders.  Sigh. 

Hedwig said something along the lines of I laugh because I would cry if I didn't.  That's exactly how I feel.  So I laugh even when there is no punchline, putting on a brave, happy face for the world to see.  Then at the end of the day, I go home to a house that is no longer a home and let my guard down.  Sometimes I drown in sadness, other times I revel in self-righteous anger, and yet at times I wallow in self-pity.  I never thought I'd find myself back where I started all those years ago, dreading the minutes leading up to the starting bell.  I don't want to start all over again.  I shouldn't have to...not at my age.  I should be enjoying my winnings at the finish line...not hoping against hope that I don't fall by the wayside in this agonizing race called life.  Sigh.

I guess I should thank Better Than Ezra for this train of thought.

I need a distraction...something like a good fuck.

Heads up.  You're in for the ride of your life.  Don't fuck it up or else you'll be blogging about your sorry life like I am.  LoL

The Importance of Being Fine

I finally told my family and friends about the break up.  They were shocked and concerned, but then somewhat reassured when I told them I was absolutely fine. 

I am fine.  Absolutely fine.

Fin.

There's a reason for everything.  I may not understand why at the moment, but in time it will all make perfect sense.

A Name From The Past...

I spoke with JCM the other day during our weekly phone call, and he told me of his chance encounter with our high school classmate, Vicky.  I swear that the mention of her name and the knowledge that she lives right here in Las Vegas caused my heart to race.  I was happy to hear of our mutual friend, whom we've both lost contact with through the years, but I found it quite strange that long after my conversation with JCM had ended, my heart continued to beat rapidly as if it had run a long-distance marathon (not that I've ever ran a marathon, but I'm guessing that's how my heart would feel like if I ever did) and my mind raced with thoughts of Vicky.

Vicky and I were good friends in high school, and our friendship grew deeper during our years in college and our respective years in graduate school.  We spoke at least once a week and/or e-mailed daily while I was away in New York City studying law and she was back home in Hawai'i studying human resource management.  When she moved to Tacoma, WA, and I settled here in Las Vegas, our friendship managed to thrive despite the responsibilities and changes that life thrust upon us.  We always managed to find time for each other, and I loved that about our friendship.  But then, I fell in love...

A few years after moving to Las Vegas, I met Her and fell in love...at least, I thought I did.  In retrospect, I believe I was infatuated with the idea of love and being in love, but enough about that.  As my priorities changed and my world shifted around Her, I let my friendships fall to the wayside.  I never thought I would ever be like those people who forgot everyone else existed except the one their heart seemed to live for, but I became exactly that.  I was such an idiot for allowing my friendships to wither and die, and I'm paying dearly for it now that She's no longer a part of my life.  One of the things I will always regret is leaving Vicky behind...

When JCM talked about Vicky, all I could think about was how much we had fun together and how much I missed her.  And without warning, I felt a genuine smile on my face, which have been few and far between since the break up.  I felt an indescribable feeling rush through my body and flush over my face, and I couldn't ignore the thundering roar of my heart echoing in my ears and reverberating through my body.  And it struck me that I felt something other than anger, disappointment, sadness, and frustration.  I felt something stirring deep within me at the mention of her name...

I never told anyone this before and never really acknowledged it until now, but I had a crush on Vicky back when we were in college.  It was an innocent crush, one spurred on by someone who knew exactly what to say and do to make me smile and laugh and by someone who was there for me through my ups and downs.  She understood and believed in me, and she encouraged me to push on no matter what.  We had a lovely friendship...Is it any wonder why I had a crush on her?  Sigh.  I had a crush on my very straight best friend.

So fast forward all these years, and I find myself acting ridiculously happy upon hearing news about Vicky.  Maybe it's the young girl in me still clinging to a silly school-girl crush or maybe it's the woman in me who misses our friendship, especially at a time when I desperately need a friend.  I don't know...What I do know is my heart never beat so fast for anyone in a long, long time.

Riddle me this, Batman.

Don't be an idiot like me...

Abundance

I love the rare moments when words spill freely from my thoughts onto paper.  An abundance of words forming complete sentences on a clean slate, filling gaps and stringing paragraphs; an intricate map leading to a treasure-trove of ingenuity.

I love the excitement of a completed piece of work worthy of a once-over.

No matter how lost and downtrodden your life appears to be, always follow your heart and your passion .

Elizabethtown

Whenever I'm in a rut and hating life, I take refuge in a favorite book (Letters to a Young Poet by Rilke or perhaps Siddhartha by Hesse), a favorite CD (Rent, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, or Madonna's Ray of Light among others), or an uplifting DVD, in this case Elizabethtown.

I love this movie!  It never fails to make me feel better about life and the circumstances I find myself in.  The message of the film from my point of view is to embrace the beauty of life in spite of its flaws, to move past our so-called failures, and to see the bigger picture- that there's no issue too big, too difficult or too humiliating which we cannot overcome.  That somehow, it's really not that bad.  You're not that bad off.  Life isn't as bad as we perceive it to be.  And hell, things could definitely be worse than they are, but they aren't.  It's all about perception and what you do with all those lemons thrown at you from time to time.  Like the saying goes, if life hands you lemons, then make lemonade.  Maybe add a shot of vodka and some syrup, then enjoy!

Sigh.  In juxtaposition with the dire events in the world today, my life isn't as bad as I thought it was.  And I'm grateful to be alive...

On a lighter note, I finally purchased my Brandi Carlile ticket!  YAY!  I can hardly wait to see her perform live!  I love her music!

Nothing is as bad as you initially perceive it to be.  Take a step back and see the bigger picture.  It helps to breathe...

RENT

I saw RENT at the Ovation in the Green Valley Ranch tonight to benefit Golden Rainbow, and my heart soared with happiness and nostalgia.  It's been a while since I saw RENT or any musical on stage for that matter, so it felt akin to Christmas morning or mind-blowing sex to have had the pleasure of seeing two of my favorite musicals within days of one another- RENT and Hedwig and the Angry Inch!  Christmas definitely came early for me this year, and I'm betting there's a beautiful nympho waiting for me under the tree!  =)

I absolutely love the message of RENT- "No day but today."  Sometimes, I forget that the present is much more important than what may come and what has come to pass, and I find myself dwelling on how I could have done things differently or how I could make things come about, all the while bypassing the part about living in the here and now.  The truth is life has no guarantees except this very moment.  Sigh.  Life is so very precious, and our time on this earth fleeting...Enjoy every moment.

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn

There is no future
There is no past
Thank God this moment's not the last

There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret-- or life is yours to miss.
No other road
No other way
No day but today

There's only yes
Only tonight
We must let go
To know what is alright
No other course
No other way
No day but today

I can't control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only hope
is just to be

There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today

- "No Day But Today" from RENT

P.S.  Pilita Danesh, the actress who played Mimi in this production of RENT, was brilliant!  She's stunning, talented, and intelligent (she's a Harvard grad), and I loved her rendition of "Without You."  I hope to see more of her talent in future productions.

No regrets, baby!

On a Hedwig High

A dose of Hedwig and the Angry Inch was exactly what I needed to get out of the slump I've been in since the break up.  I'm so happy I could cry!  I haven't been this happy in ages, and I'm relishing every minute of it.  I'm on a Hedwig high!

As I mentioned in an earlier post, the last time I saw Hedwig on stage was on January 29, 2000 at the Jane Street Theatre in New York City.  I will always remember that particular performance because John Cameron Mitchell returned to the stage to play Hedwig that night.  Needless to say, it was a brilliant performance.  And tonight's performance was brilliant in its own right because it jogged memories of my life in NYC and it inspired me to embrace all that I am and all that I once loved, but somehow forgot as time went by.  Sigh.  I'm on a natural high, and I owe it all to Hedwig.

Why did I ever give up my passion and interests?  Why did I ever leave me behind?  Why did I lose myself in the hustle and bustle of everyday life?  Why did I compromise parts of me for a relationship that would never stand the test of time?  Why did I let myself go?  Why did I allow myself to die a little each day I wasn't true to myself?  Why did I live an inauthentic existence for so long?  Why, why, why?!?!?!

Sigh.  Never again will I give up parts of myself.  Never again will I lose myself.  Never again will I compromise my existence, my happiness, my wants, my needs.  Never again will I accept anything less than who and what I am.  Never again will I accept a warped version of myself reflected in someone else's eyes.  Never again...

Always remember who you are and embrace what makes you whole.  No half-truths, no compromises...

A Dose of Hedwig, a Shot of Brandi, and a Taste of Tabrett

I'm going to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch at The Onyx tonight, and I'm ecstatic about seeing this musical on stage again!  The last time I saw Hedwig was in NYC in 1999-2000 at the Jane Street Theatre.  Those were the days...sigh.

Yesterday's tragic events in Japan brought me to tears.  My prayers go out to those affected by the earthquake and tsunami.  I'm grateful that my family in Hawai'i are safe.

On a lighter note, thoughts do become things!  I desperately wanted to see Brandi Carlile in concert, and last night I discovered that she'll be performing at the Hard Rock in May!  Squee!   I'm absolutely thrilled!  She's a brilliant musician, and I can't wait to see her perform live!  *doing my happy dance*

That's another item I can cross off my bucket list...

Breathe feel love
Give free
Know in your soul
Like your blood knows the way
From your heart to your brain
Knows that you're whole

- "Midnight Radio"

Hedwig and the Angry Inch

P.S.  Tabrett Bethell has been cast in the new ABC series Poe, an investigative crime drama centered around famed author and poet Edgar Allan Poe.  SQUEEE!!!  Life keeps getting better and better!

Positive thoughts, positive actions, positive results!

The Law of Attraction

So I came across the documentary The Secret the other day, which is all about the law of attraction.  Basically, The Secret reveals that "thoughts become things."  Therefore, we must choose our thoughts carefully.

Interesting...

Here are some of my thoughts:

I want to be a successful published writer of best-selling novels.  I want to be famous and adored.  I want to be filthy rich.  I want to be able to share my wealth with those who are in need.  I want to be able to make a difference in this world and in this lifetime.

I want to travel the world and experience every good thing it has to offer.

I want to truly be in love and to experience great passion for another.  I want to find my soulmate, the one person who truly understands me and loves me unconditionally, and I want to share my life with her.  I want her to feel the same way I do, and I want us to live happily ever after until the end of our time.

I want to love myself and the life I lead.  I want to love life.

I want to live without reservation, inhibitions, and qualms.  I want to live unfettered by internal demons and external forces.  I want to live.

On a lighter side:

I want to engage in a candid chat with Madonna over a cup of brilliant-tasting tea.

I want to know Tabrett Bethell intimately and attest to the form-fitting nature of Cara's red Mord'Sith leather suit.  *swoon*

I want to win the lottery and Megabucks more than once.

I want to lose the extra baggage, both physically and emotionally, through good diet, exercise, and positive social stimulation (i.e., lots of passionate sex with beautiful women).  *giggles*

I want a personal library filled with my favorite books (all of them signed first editions, mind you).

I want to engage in philosophical conversations and actually hold up my end of it.

I want to be an excellent gamer.

I want to run a marathon and finish within a reasonable time.

I want to surround myself with family and friends who are supportive, trustworthy, loyal, and dependable.

I want a ZipPac and Zippy's chilli.

I want to attend a Brandi Carlile concert.

I want to finish writing my stories.

Hey, it doesn't hurt to think positive thoughts.  After all, there maybe some truth to this law of attraction theory.