Sunday, April 10, 2011

Good

I was flipping through the channels yesterday, and I came across the music video for "Good" by Better Than Ezra.  In an instant, my mind flooded with thoughts of my summer in Washington, DC during my stint with the FBI Honors Internship Program...Thoughts good and bad, bleeding into one memorable experience that served as my stepping stone off the island I was born and raised on and into the world that would shape me into the woman I would become.  Sigh.  I often think back to that young, naive girl who was just stepping into her own, wondering where she found the courage, inspiration, and stamina to go forth and conquer...

Fast forward fourteen years, and I feel somewhat like the girl I left behind, embarking on a new chapter in my life.  I feel the same dread and insecurity, but none of the happiness and excitement.  I gather it's because I'm no longer young and naive (although I could argue that well into the night), and the prospect of starting a new chapter and turning over a new leaf at the age of thirty-four going on thirty-five is more than a bit daunting.  The truth is I'm absolutely frightened.  And the added weight of a seven-year relationship gone bad, as well as the multitude of insecurities that come with the fallout, packed into one large well-worn suitcase is too much to bear for even my broad shoulders.  Sigh. 

Hedwig said something along the lines of I laugh because I would cry if I didn't.  That's exactly how I feel.  So I laugh even when there is no punchline, putting on a brave, happy face for the world to see.  Then at the end of the day, I go home to a house that is no longer a home and let my guard down.  Sometimes I drown in sadness, other times I revel in self-righteous anger, and yet at times I wallow in self-pity.  I never thought I'd find myself back where I started all those years ago, dreading the minutes leading up to the starting bell.  I don't want to start all over again.  I shouldn't have to...not at my age.  I should be enjoying my winnings at the finish line...not hoping against hope that I don't fall by the wayside in this agonizing race called life.  Sigh.

I guess I should thank Better Than Ezra for this train of thought.

I need a distraction...something like a good fuck.

Heads up.  You're in for the ride of your life.  Don't fuck it up or else you'll be blogging about your sorry life like I am.  LoL

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Once I make up my mind I'm full of indecision.