Classic

I'm currently watching "All About Eve," a film I've heard a lot about, but never got around to watching.  That Eve is a BITCH!  And Bette Davis...what can I say?  She's a classic, an icon, and her eyes...They definitely give new meaning to Kim Carnes' 80s hit song.

Since we're on the subject of sultry actresses with a classic, unique flare, I have to admit that I'm going through another Tabrett Bethell withdrawal.  And I miss Mistress Cara fiercely.  Sigh.  I'm such a geek when it comes to this exquisite woman.  Need I remind you as to why?

Now that I've somewhat satisfied my TB/CM fix (I said somewhat, not entirely and not ever, so expect more of Ms. Bethell and Mistress Cara to pop up now and again), I'm patiently waiting for Lea Michelle to perform at the Super Bowl.  I really don't care to see men in tights throwing balls around and participating in some ass-patting ritual, although I have no objection if they were gay men in tights with balls and some asinine ritual because I support my peeps no matter what.  =)  Hey wait?  Did Lea Michelle already perform?  Oh crap!  I'm bummed.  Oh well, at least I can look forward to a new Glee eppy tonight!

Oh wait!  Lea's performing now!  Yay!!!

Here's to the underdogs!

On Holiday

I'm on holiday for a week, and I'm enjoying every minute away from tiresome and boring work.  Blah.

I initially planned on spending a few days in NYC to see the off-off-Broadway musical Camp Wanatachi, which is co-produced by Legend of the Seeker (LoTS) alum Bridget Regan.  The musical tells the tale of a teenage girl who falls in love with another girl at a Christian-based summer camp.  Unfortunately, my lack of funds prevented me from following through with my plan, and I'm bummed about it.  Hopefully, the musical will garner good reviews and much needed attention to continue its run.

Although I'm not out on the open road, I've managed to keep myself busy with other matters.  I am determined to finish that LoTS fan fiction I've been working on for the past few weeks.  And when I do, I intend to post it here, biting back the fear and nausea that comes with publicly showcasing my work.  It's daunting, but I need to start somewhere, right?  I really need to stop procrastinating and start taking my writing seriously.  No more half-written stories.  From here on out, I will see each story through to the very end.


I also plan to do other things during this fortunate holiday, such as visit the Springs Preserve, something I've been interested in seeing for quite a while now, and declutter my closet and my life, throwing out unnecessary items and putting the past to rest.  I also plan to write JCM a long, overdue letter and file my taxes.  And I intend to visit that used bookstore in my neighborhood, as well as indulge in some thrift-store shopping.

This holiday is all about discovering new things, seeing things through to its end, laying the past to rest, and savoring all that life has to offer.  Sigh.  It's going to be grand.

On a lighter note, I've just discovered the musical genius that is Brandi Carlile.  I love her music!  And her voice and lyrics call out to my soul, leaving me open and vulnerable, yet somewhat stronger and self-assured.

Turning a new leaf is the only way to let go of the past, embrace the present, and look forward to the future.

Late-Night Reading and Reflection

I stayed up well into the night to finish a dark, yet heartwarming book entitled Ash by Malinda Lo.  I absolutely loved this book, a retelling of Cinderella, but with a fresh twist of its own filled with magic, fairy tales, a foreboding fairy prince, an honorable huntress, and a lost girl named Ash whose search for a home is at once heartbreaking, moving, and inspiring.  In the end of this poignant story, Ash makes her way out of the Wood and sees clearly for the first time in a long time with whom her heart and her home resides.

Needless to say, I didn't want this book to end, but the voracious reader in me and the persistent belief in happy endings willed me onward to the very end of this fairy tale.  Sigh.  It's been a long while since I discovered a book in which I was willing to stay up well past my bedtime to finish.

I love books like this.  I love the anticipation I feel in knowing the outcome of a story or the desperate need in me to read a significant passage repeatedly, hoping to sear the words in my mind's eye.  I love the feel of a crisp page under my fingertips and the impatient twitching of fingers that yearn to turn to the next page.  I love the press of a book against my heart, an attempt to quiet the heavy beating, as well as the scent of a well-read book invading my senses with promises of love, adventure, and great life lessons.  And I love the multitude of emotions that overwhelm me as a story unfolds, such as the sweet constriction around my heart, the sorrowful or blissful tears to my eyes, the excruciating agony and ire wracking my body, and the relief and ecstasy to my senses and well-being as a story reaches its crescendo, leaving me satiated yet desperately wanting more.  Sigh.  I love books.

I also love reflecting on the messages, truths, and lessons of a good book.  In this instant, after reading Ash, I thought long and hard about love and the obstacles which keep us from achieving it.  Ash could have lost hope and given in to an attitude, a person, and a world that she wasn't meant for given all that she lived through and the vast emptiness she felt in her solitude.  Yet, she refused to succumb and settle for a world that, despite its many sparkles and promises, could never provide a befitting substitute to true love and happiness and would have undoubtedly doubled the weight of emptiness she already felt.  In the end, Ash chose true love and in an instant, the world she found herself in appeared lighter and more alive than she could have ever imagined.  Sigh.  I love happy endings.

Put down the e-reader and pick up a book instead.  The possibilities are endless with a great read.

Too Misty for Xena

I've always considered myself an avid Xena: Warrior Princess (XWP) fan, possessing a fortitude of knowledge in any and all things XWP-related and admitting with neither hesitation nor qualm to my level of geekness.  I remember XWP first aired around the same time I started my sophomore year in college.  Needless to say, I was young and impressionable at the time, yet refused to yield to society's norms even at that tender age.  Is it any wonder why I fell hard, possibly head-over-heels, for XWP?

XWP provided an escape from the mundane and predictable life of the islands.  It offered strong female lead characters (played by the beautiful and talented Lucy Lawless as Xena and Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle) with rich backgrounds who sought out their own way and paved their own paths in history despite the many obstacles they encountered along the way.  XWP also offered an interesting and plausible plot rife with drama and intrigue, just the right amount of humor and wit, and a whole lot of ass-kicking!  I followed Xena and Gabrielle to the very end of their story as they fought for good against evil, for life over death, for redemption and their very salvation, but most notably for honor, friendship, and love.

XWP captivated and inspired me, setting the stage for a life of adventure in a world far beyond my home on that small island in the vast Pacific Ocean.  I sought to incorporate and emulate the enduring values and universal message I garnered from XWP and its courageous and resilient female characters.  And in retrospect, XWP awakened that dormant part of me which questioned my burgeoning sexuality.  In layman's term, XWP opened my eyes to the definite probability that I liked girls way too much than any 'straight' girl should.

So why all this Xena nostalgia, you ask?  Well, as an avid XWP fan like myself, you'd think that I would be privy to a little event called Xena Con.  The truth is I haven't.  And this annual Xena Convention is in its 16th year!  Argh!  This knowledge makes me want to gouge my eyes out!  My geekness has dropped a few levels, but instead of jumping for joy at this fact, I feel utterly dreadful.  And now I just feel like crying.  I'm too misty for XWP.  Sigh.

And to top it all off, I won't be able to attend Xena Con in Los Angeles, CA this weekend (January 28-30 at the Los Angeles Marriott at LAX).  I'm doubling with pain as I type.

In a time of ancient gods, warlords, and kings,

a land in turmoil cried out for a hero.

She was Xena,

a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle.

The power. The passion. The danger.

Her courage will change the world.

-Xena : Warrior Princess, opening credits

When in doubt or in a bind, ask yourself "What would Xena do?"

Philosophical Coffee Talks

JCM and I met up at Barnes and Nobles this morning to resume our long overdue philosophical "coffee talk."  It's been too long since we last engaged in this tradition of ours as family, careers, and shifting priorities crept into the foreground of our lives, unintentionally leaving little or no time for us to continue our ritual.  A ritual that began in our early 20s during a period in our lives when we first began to feel the weight of the world on our shoulders as life's questions went unanswered.  In an attempt to decipher life's often daunting questions, we created an open forum and engaged in honest discussions centered around the gray shades of life.  Through the years, we manged to support one another, to come to each other's defense and aid, when life became too much to bear alone.  And like the Socrates of old, we created a place where we were free to discuss life, death, and everything in between without judgment.

Today's talk was heartfelt and wracked with soul-searching questions.  We tossed ideas around about life and shared insights on the paths we're currently on.  We reflected on the past and hoped for the future, but adamantly vowed to live in the now.  And we vehemently aspired to live authentically, not merely with words, but in our actions.

I am so grateful for JCM's friendship.  He's been there for me during every phase of my life:  my transition from a small plantation town on Oahu, Hawai'i to the bright lights of Manhattan; my coming out; my lonely, angst-ridden twenty-something years; my relationship with her; and my current state of being (i.e., post break up and my ongoing search for me).  He has been an integral part of my life, and I hope our friendship means just as much to him.

On another note, I feel the desperate need to travel.  Although it may not be the most practical time for me to do so given my limited funds, I'm throwing practicality and reasoning out the window.  For so long I've put my dreams and, consequently, my life on hold for practical reasons, yet where and what has that brought me?  Nowhere and nothing.  So I've decided to do the opposite of what my mind tells me and instead follow the yearnings of my heart.  In the words of her Madgesty, "I think I'll follow my heart.  It's a very good place to start."

Live unfettered, but remain true to your heart.

Bounce

I'm trying to bounce back from the recent upheaval in my life, but it's not as easy as it should be.  All I can do is grin (somewhat) and bear (for the most part).  It seems she's bounced back sooner than I expected despite all that we've been through, and I'm still testing my abilities.  It feels like having to learn a basic function all over again after having taken it for granted all these years.  It's fricking hard.  Possibly the hardest thing I must endure.

On a lighter note, check out talented artist James Butterworth and his latest album entitled "Songs for Kahlan," inspired by Legend of the Seeker Cara/Kahlan ship.  This is a must for all you die-hard Cara/Kahlan shippers!

Wake me when it's all over...

Epic Fail and The Road Less Traveled

I did it.  I called my Dad and asked him to move in with me.  Although I'll be relieved to have my Dad near again (to keep an eye on him as he's getting on in age), I can't help but feel that I've somehow failed epically.  Everything's changing, faster than my feeble mind and heart can process.  She's moving out and moving on, and I'm at a standstill, trying to pick up the pieces.  She says she'll still be there to support me, financially or otherwise, but how can I trust that she will after all that's happened?  How can I trust her when not long ago, she promised to love me unconditionally and vowed to be at my side till the very end?  I should have known it was all a ruse...And now I'm burdened and encumbered with the weight of her decision, my resignation, and our mutual understanding.  My high pride refuses to show more, feel more than what I'm truly enduring inside.  At the very least, my dignity is still in tact...right?

Anyway, I digress.  I asked my Dad to move in because...I can't survive on my income alone.  Not with the mortgage and utilities that I'll be responsible for after she leaves.  Although she insists that I have nothing to worry about because she'll assist me financially until who knows when, I can't rely on her promises, on her words, on her.  Hence, my decision to ask my Dad to move up.  I never planned on this, believing we'd somehow make our relationship work and remain together until our last breath, but it's something that I have to do.  I need help, and I must not feel guilty or embarrassed in asking for it.  Sigh.

At least my Dad's happy.  He wants to move up, but I fear it's for other reasons (i.e., gambling and free beer).  I want to laugh, but I know I'll start crying if I do.  This is all so foreign to me, the break up, loneliness, and shattered pieces of the past seven years scattered at my feet, and I'm absolutely scared out of my wits.  This road I'm on is dark and lonely, the air around me dense and filled with shadows, and I want so much to turn and run back to the fork in the road I passed a while back.  To run after her and beg her to stay.  To hold on to something that is familiar and safe, even if it would mean settling and sacrificing my self yet again.  Even if it meant going back to those empty eyes staring back at me and the intimate, loving touch I know will never come again.  Sigh.

I can't.  I won't.  She's made up her mind, and so have I.  We can't go back, not now and maybe not ever.  I am saddened by this knowledge, but there is nothing that I can do to change what is and what can never be.  I'm on this road alone, and I must accept my fate.  I simply must.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 

- "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost

The road ahead is daunting, but I must keep pressing onward.  Maybe someday, everything will make sense.

HeYa!

I heart Glee!  I ship Brittany and Santana!  And I ship Heather Morris and Naya Rivera, otherwise fondly known as "HeYa," more than ever because of this video!

Nuthin' But A Glee Thang with Heather Morris, Matthew Morrison & Sofia Vergara from Heather Morris

Be Gleeful!

Lies

I found out that she's been lying to me...again.  We're no longer together, but apparently things haven't changed.  She's always keeping things from me, thinking I'm better off not knowing.  She's wrong.  I'd rather she told me up front instead of having me find out on my own.  It's worse when I find things out on my own because I feel nothing but anger and betrayal.  Sigh.  This puts things in perspective, and I can honestly say at this moment that I'm relieved we're over.  Unfortunately, we're still orbiting the same space for the time being for financial reasons.  Breaking up is definitely hard to do.

Anyway, I've been trying hard not to think about her and our relationship, especially at work.  Sometimes, my mind wanders to the past, when times were good; when we were together.  A song plays on my Ipod and the memories come flooding in and I can hardly breathe.  It hurts.  It hurts knowing that it's all over after all the time and energy we invested in our relationship.  It pains me that our home is broken and our life together has met an untimely end.  It makes me cry when I think about our boys and the separation my family must soon endure.  It angers me to think about everything we've created and built together, only to have it all come crashing down around us.  And it frightens me that from here on out, I'll be on my own.

I'm not sure what I want.  I know we can't go back to what we had, and I know I have nothing ahead to look forward to.  I'm afraid.  Afraid of what the future may hold for me, for her, for us.  I'm afraid that I'll be alone forever.  That I'll die alone.

I'm afraid that maybe there isn't something more to look forward to in life or someone out there waiting for me...

You think that Luck
Has left you there.
But maybe there's nothing
Up in the sky but air.

And there's no mystical design,
No cosmic lover preassigned.
There's nothing you can find
That can not be found.
'Cause with all the changes
You've been through,
It seems the stranger's always you.
Alone again in some new
Wicked little town.

- "Wicked Little Town (Reprise)"

Hedwig and the Angry Inch

I want to believe that there's something more...I need to believe.

Tabrett Bethell

Tabrett Bethell

Meet Tabrett Bethell.

Now do you understand why I'm absolutely enthralled by this woman?  Go ahead.  Take your time.  Zoom in.  Zoom out.  Assess the situation.  Take all the time you need, but I know it won't take long for you to come around.  Tabrett Bethell is absolutely stunning!  AND she's a brilliant actress!

If you haven't already seen it, you MUST watch Legend of the Seeker!  Tabrett plays the role of Mord'Sith Cara Mason, a fearless and loyal ally to the Seeker fighting to save humankind from evil.  Tabrett Bethell's portrayal of Cara is deathly serious balanced with the right amount of wit and humor.

Cara

Tabrett Bethell IS Cara Mason.  She was the perfect choice for that role.

Tabrett Bethell makes me swoon.  And Cara Mason makes me giggle and swoon.  LoL  I think I'll watch Seasons 1 and 2 of Legend of the Seeker again because I'm in dire need of a Tabrett Bethell/Cara/LotS fix.  My sweet addiction.  Sigh.  I'm such a dork.  LoL

P.S.  If you happen to take my advice about watching Legend of the Seeker, you'll no doubt notice the extreme subtext underlying each scene between Cara and Kahlan, the Mother Confessor (played by the beautiful and talented Bridget Regan).  These two have excellent chemistry!

Kahlan & Cara

Tabrett Bethell ROCKS!

Coast Starlight

I'm thinking about finally taking that trip along the West Coast I always wanted to embark on.  And I'm going solo.  I'm excited and scared at the same time, but I really need this trip to soothe my soul.  I've always loved to travel, whether it be by car, plane, or train.  And this time in my life, after the break up, would be the perfect time to travel solo...to rediscover myself.  To reclaim my life.  To awaken the free-spirit within me.  To pursue my passion.  Sigh.  For the first time in a long time, I can breathe.  Coast Starlight, here I come!

On another note, I told Jacob about the break up.  It felt good to tell someone about what happened and what I'm going through.  It finally feels like this is real, that I'm not in some nightmare trying desperately to open my eyes.  True to form, Jacob gave incite into the matter, and I'm grateful for having a friend like him.  It helps knowing I have someone to lean on during this difficult time.

May you find yourself in everything you do and every road you embark on.

Unraveling

I feel my life unraveling before my very eyes.  I want her to stay, yet I need her to go.  I can't mourn our end until she's truly out of my life.  I haven't even allowed myself to cry.  The tears start to gather in my eyes whenever I think of our life together and how it ended after seven years, but they refuse to fall.  I can't even mourn this loss properly.  Why?  I suppose my pride refuses me to acknowledge the pain though my heart is battered and bruised.  I gave her seven years of my life, and she was my first.  I always thought she would be my last.  I was wrong, and I don't know how I feel about that.  The rational side of me believes this is right, that we had to come to an end because we aren't meant for each other, at least not the way we should be ideally.  But the other side of me, the one that's afraid to envision life without her, wants desperately to hold on to what we had.  I don't know if it's because I'm scared of being alone, of being thrust into the single life once again.  Or maybe it's because I'm afraid of never seeing her face again.  Though she wishes us to remain friends, I simply can't.  I don't want to.  It would be too hard on me to even try.  It's over.  We're over.  She wanted this, and so do I.  But how can I say goodbye to my lover, best friend, and soul mate of seven years?  How can I possibly end that chapter in my life?

I never truly understood how difficult it could be to say goodbye.

Out with the Old...

2011 will definitely be a year of change for me.  Although the road ahead is daunting, I feel a deep sense of relief and a renewed sense of excitement.  This time, however, I'm traveling down the road alone.


She said, "I love you and I care about you, but...I'm not in love with you."  Her honesty took me by surprise, but her words didn't break me as I thought they would.  I simply didn't understand why it took her this long to tell me the truth, and I don't know why she decided to lay bare her soul on New Year's Eve.  I gather she wanted a new start for the new year.  I won't lie and say this doesn't hurt, even though I've felt the gradual decline of our relationship for some time now.  She claims we've lost our spark, and I honestly think maybe we didn't share one to begin with.

I understand now what that fortune teller warned me about years ago.  She told me to be careful not to marry simply for the sake of being married.  I paid no heed to her reading, believing none of what she foretold.  And in time, I forgot.  Now I remember clearly as I replay the night's events in my head.  Was I simply in this relationship because I wanted to be in a relationship?  Granted, I loved her, still love her, and will always love her in a way, but I don't believe she was ever the one.  Our love will never be remembered in stories passed on from generation to generation, but I have hope that someday I'll find the one who'll set my soul on fire.  And that love will no doubt be remembered for all time.

Happy New Year!

Random and Mundane

I thought I'd post something, anything really, minus the reflective nature of my usual posts.  The past few posts were especially written in an attempt to make sense of life, to give voice to the fragmented thoughts in my head.  With this post, I simply want to share random, mundane thoughts and facts of my life.  Here goes...

I can't seem to get "Kiss with a Fist" by Florence and the Machine out of my head.  It's a brilliant song!  I feel like dancing around kicking the air and waving my fists around when I listen to it.  Is it odd that it makes me want to kiss BB with my fist and then set fire to our bed?  Of course, I have no intention of playing out that thought...I think.  At least I can think fondly of Cara and Kahlan's fight!sex scene in "Desecrated" (season 2, episode 16) of the Legend of the Seeker TV series when I hear that song.  What subtext!  But I digress!  Anyway, the song is playing on repeat as I type this post.

Can I just say how much I love Tabrett Bethell?  She's absolutely stunning and brilliant!  I wonder if she kept the red leather Mord'Sith suit when the Legend of the Seeker TV series ended?  Role-playing anyone?  *giggles*

With the external floppy disk drive I got for Christmas, I finally accessed the stories and journal I wrote during my years in New York City and my early years in Sin City.  I read a story I wrote back in 2003, and it touched my heart.  Sometimes, I surprise even myself.  I think I have a knack for this.  Hopefully, I can make something out of it.

I hate to admit that BB and I aren't compatible, but we are.  We are as different as night and day.  Her interests differ from mine.  For example, she loves action movies, and I love foreign films.  She reads magazines, and I read classic literature.  She has a GED, and I have a JD.  I could go on and on about how different we are, but I believe that's the beauty and essence of our relationship.  We complement one another.  She's the yin to my yang, completing me, making me whole.  We are one.  And I don't think I could ever scream anyone else's name except hers in the throes of ecstasy.  Where I have a way with the spoken word, she has a way with the tongue.  She satiates me completely.

I finished Wizard's First Rule by Terry Goodkind.  It was by far better than I had anticipated, and I can't wait to read the next book!  The Legend of the Seeker TV series deviates greatly from the Sword of Truth book series, and I'm excited to be discovering a whole new world.  Yay!

I hope to visit New York City in February 2011.  *fingers crossed*  I <3 NYC!

I'm debating if BB and I should ring in the new year on the Strip with her co-workers.  I've never celebrated New Year's Eve on the Strip in all the years I lived here.  It's kind of daunting, all those people in a confined space.  The traffic will be horrendous.  And what of the pressing matter of potty breaks?  The casinos will close their doors to everyone but their guests a couple of hours before midnight.  The horror!  I can't believe I'm more worried about finding a clean bathroom to use instead of the drunkenness and degradation that will no doubt surround me.  Actually, this bizarre paranoia sounds exactly like me.

Sometimes, I wish we had stuck to our initial policy of having only one four-legged child.  Harper I can handle, but Artemis and Mercutio are an entirely different story.  Sigh.  I take it back.  How could we live without Artemis and Mercutio in our lives?  They drive me crazy, but I love my boys.

Speaking of my boys, it's time I end this post before they get into some kind of mischief that will have me pulling at my hair...again. 

It feels good to let it all out.

Christmas Eve Reflections

I can't believe tomorrow's Christmas.  I can't believe in a week's time, another year will come to pass and a new one will begin.  It's daunting how time flies.  How fast the years go by.  How short the time between sunrise and sunset.  How fleeting the moments in our lives...

It's Christmas eve, and I'm at peace, content, whole.  This year has been a trying one for BB and I, but we've managed to get through the tough times together, stronger, as one.  We have our boys, Harper, Artemis, and little Mercutio.  We have each other, and that is what matters.  All the heartache and pain of the past year, all the obstacles in our path, fall by the wayside, forgotten or defeated.  I thank God we're still here.

May love, family, and faith surround you this holiday season and throughout the year.

Full Circle

I'll never understand why life unfolds the way it does.  Why events happen.  Why things fall apart.  Why plans fail or never come to fruition.  Why people come and go.  Why philosophical questions on life, death, and everything in between are left unanswered.

In my twenties, I constantly questioned the gray areas of life and never accepted anything short of an authentic black and white answer.  I gather that's the reason why I lived my twenties in constant upheaval, thriving on 100% pure angst.

In my thirties, however, I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll never be privy to life's reasoning.  Instead, I've come to believe that things happen for a reason.  The reason may not be clear at the moment, but in time, it will. 

In time, you'll discover that you've come full circle; that the answers to questions keeping you up at night were within you all along and the gray areas of life weren't as daunting as you once thought they were.  You'll discern that you're exactly where you're meant to be, on this very path you're traveling on, and you'll appreciate the steep hills, narrow bends, and formidable obstacles you've overcome.  And in the end, you'll look back on your life, a rich tapestry of experiences both good and bad, and want for nothing.

This is what I believe. This is what keeps me from giving in to the darkness within.  This is what keeps me on my path.  After all, there has to be something more than simply getting by.  There has to be...

"Whatever our struggles and triumphs, 

however we may suffer them, 

all too soon they bleed into a wash, 

just like the watery ink on paper."

- Memoirs of a Geisha, Arthur Golden

A life lived authentically and to its fullest is a rare and beautiful thing.

The Gospel of Madonna

When life threw lemons my way, I made lemonade as Madonna sang in the background. Her life experiences, her music, her words never failed to amaze and inspire me. There was a time, however, when the world became too much to bear and reality came crashing down on me. My life became a mindless routine of sorts, and I lost my way in the darkness. I lost faith in everything and everyone, and I was drowning in an abyss of negativity and melancholy. Then a friend opened my eyes over a long overdue "coffee talk" as we ruminated over days gone by and the power of Madonna. And so I find myself in a much better place than I did a few days ago as I heal my soul with the Gospel of Madonna guiding me out of the darkness and into the light.

Sky fits heaven so fly it
That's what the prophet said to me
Child fits mother so hold your baby tight
That's what my future could see

Traveling down this road
Watching the signs as I go
I think I'll follow the sun
Isn't everyone just
Traveling down their own road
Watching the signs as they go

Fate fits karma so use it
That's what the wise man said to me
Love fits virtue so hold on to the light
That's what our future will be

Traveling down this road
Watching the signs as I go
I think I'll follow the sun
Isn't everyone just
Traveling down their own road
Watching the signs as they go
I think I'll follow my heart
It's a very good place to start

Traveling down my own road
Watching the signs as they go
Traveling, traveling
Watching the signs as they go

Hand fits giving so do it
That's what the Gospel said to me
Life fits living so let your judgments go
That's how our future should be
- "Sky Fits Heaven"
Madonna

Everyone needs something to believe in.

DADT Repealed

A landmark victory for the LGBT community today as the U.S. Senate successfully voted to repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," which bans openly gay and lesbian individuals from serving in the military.

We are a step closer to full equality!

This has been a brilliant day indeed!

EQUALITY NOW!

There Is No God

I've come to the conclusion that there is no God. This epiphany of sorts came about after an argument with BB. Argument is an understatement. We had a huge fight that had BB ready to leave and me resorting to old ways. Yup. I saw Her again for the first time in ages. Her. The woman in the mirror who screams foul things at me and tells me there's no way out of this mess. The woman in the mirror who reminds me that I'm mediocre at best and that there's no hope in life. She's definitely back, and I've got the bruises on my head to prove it. Needless to say, I scared the shite out of BB. Hell, I scared the shite out of myself too. I thought I'd gotten rid of Her a long time ago. I guess unresolved issues never die. She hasn't, and I don't think she ever will.

As for God, there can't be a supreme being out there. If there were, it wouldn't let humans run rampant, committing evil deeds against humanity and the world. If there were a God, how could it let all these bad things happen to its own creation? How can it simply stand by and watch? I know, it gave us freewill to make the choices we face in life. Well, I didn't have the choice to choose what kind of family I was born into or what kind of genes I have. If I had that choice, do you fucking think I'd be who and what I am today?! Do you fucking think for one second that I'd choose to be this ugly, inside and out?! Do you fucking think that I'd choose to be born to such a screwed-up family?! Do you think I'd choose to experience all the bad things I have?! Do you think I'd choose to go through life's challenges with less than stellar results?! Mother fucking arsehole! Of course not!!! Why the fuck would I choose to look the way I do?! Why the fuck would I choose to have the family I have?! Why the fuck would I choose to have those fucking monsters molest me?! Why the fuck would I choose to be so fucking mediocre at everything I fucking do?! FUCK! Don't feed me all that bullshit about God and freewill. There is neither grace nor mercy in this fucked-up world. There is no true free will; we're all prisoners of our own imperfections.

Sigh.

There is no God. If there were a God and we were all created in its image, then God must be as fucked up as I am. Now that's a scary thought.

Rainer and Addie

Last night, BB and I came home to a tragedy. My calico Ryukin goldfishes, Rainer and Addie, were no longer with us.

When BB broke the news to me, my first reaction was anger. I cursed. I stomped my foot. I refused to believe that my beloved babies were gone. You see, Rainer and Addie were with us for only a couple of years, and goldfishes are meant to last longer. I don't know what happened and why their lives were cut short. But I do know it must have somehow been my fault. I should have been more attentive. I was their caregiver. Sigh.

After my initial reaction, I broke down and cried. BB held me tight and kissed away my tears. Why?! Why did they leave so soon? Why does anything bad happen? Why does everything bad seem to happen at once? Why us? Why them? ARGH! All I could do was cry.

BB, Harper, Artemis, and I said our goodbyes, and then Rainer and Addie were on their way. I hope and pray they felt no pain, only pure love as members of our family. I believe in my heart that they swam into that bright, warm light together, eternal soulmates in goldfish heaven.

We love you always, Rainer and Addie!