Oh Brother

Why do I let my brother get to me? Why do I give him that power over me? He's the only one who can make me feel so small, so insignificant. He's quick to point out my flaws, and no matter how I deflect his painful words, they somehow pierce my armor and my heart. It's always been this way. He's always been the good son, the one who never makes a mistake that can't easily be forgotten. He's always gotten away with so many things. He claims he's changed, that he's not the spoiled child he once was. When he says he's changed, then he's changed. But when I say I've changed, that I'm no longer the defensive and negative person I once was, he says that acknowledging one's problem isn't the same as changing. Granted, I have a lot of changing to do, but at least I know what's wrong and I know what I must do to change the way I am. I believe that I've changed in that respect. I'm trying not to be that person I once was, the one who pushed others away and ran from my problems. I stand here now facing my problems head on and am making an effort to reconnect with my family. I want to change. I need to change because the person I am or once was is bad for my soul. Yet, everytime I talk with my brother, he points out my flaws, the same ones I've been trying to rectify. The very ones that I'm trying to fix and the ones I've already mended. He doesn't see this in me or fails to acknowledge this. He's so quick to shoot me down, and I let him. I let him get to me, even when I know I shouldn't. It doesn't matter what he thinks of me. It doesn't matter what he says. I know that I can never please him. In his eyes, I can never be good. I've disappointed him time and time again that it's expected of me. And thus I've come to a conclusion that my brother's part of the problem I face. He's part of the reason why I continually doubt myself and why I can't get ahead. I let him matter too much to me. I think too highly of his opinion. He's not God. He's not even Superman. He's just human. He's just my little brother. I need to stop this cycle of emotional abuse. I need to stop him from hurting me. I need to stop caring about what he thinks and what he says. I don't want to hate my brother. After all, he's the only sibling I've got. And 'hate' is such a harsh word. But I can't be around him for fear that he will impede my progress. When I'm around him, I feel so awful about myself. He reminds me of all the bad feelings I used to have about myself and still do. I love my brother, but if it comes down to him or me, I'm going to choose my own salvation.

In order to solve a problem, one must determine which factors are part of the equation. Only then can one successfully resolve the issue and move forward.