Sunday, November 20, 2011

An Ordinary Day

Yesterday came and went without a hitch.  It was a rather ordinary day, if you ask me.  I didn’t even think of her once throughout the day, what would have been our 8th anniversary.  The days leading up to that infamous date, however, were filled with anger, pain, and hopelessness.  Seven years flashed through my mind, both the good times and the bad, and I wondered how we went wrong and why our story came to an abrupt end.  I wondered if she remembered our anniversary.  I wondered if she still cared...

I prayed for a miracle, a sign, something to ease the hurt and quell my anger...This time around, my prayer had been answered.

We had another fight a few days ago, and my eyes opened to the reality of our situation.  I finally accepted that there could be no chance for reconciliation between us and that our time together, though fleeting, had come to pass.  And after careful examination as to the cause of all my pain and anger, I discovered that it had nothing to do with her, but everything to do with me, my fear, my insecurities, and my expectations about success, failure, love, life, and everything in between.  And like a light that burns out after many uses, at long last my heart let go of the pain and anger of losing her, failing us, and disappointing myself.

I don’t know if I’m simply numb to it all or if I’ve truly moved on, but either way, I am finally free of the fetters that once held me captive to a life which had long since ended.  I can think of her, of us, and our past without the piercing ache tearing my heart in two or the flashes of anger eating away at my sanity.  Sigh.  I can finally breathe again.

It's never an easy thing moving on, but letting go of the past is the only way to start living again.

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