Standstill (Yet Again)

I tried, and I thought I had succeeded. But I guess I was wrong. Remember my plans to meet with Jacob over breakfast? I called him a couple of days before the event to confirm the time and place, and he answered with a baffled "what?" Yup. He absolutely forgot. This is what I'm dealing with. Now you wonder why things went sour in the first place. To make matters worse, Jacob said he couldn't make it because he worked that morning. Uh...good to know. Can you imagine if I hadn't called him to confirm? I would have been waiting for him to arrive. And as time slowly passed, I would have been concerned for him. Then after a quick phone call, I would have learned that he forgot. Anger and frustration would have quickly replaced my initial concern. I would have been furious because he stood me up. Sigh. Anyway, I asked Jacob to let me know when he's available so we could meet. I haven't heard from him since. I'm disappointed, but what was I thinking? Things between us have changed. And as it is, my desire to reconnect with him no longer exists.

Now on to Sarah. I emailed her and she replied. She replied with inqueries of her own and asked that I timely respond. I did. And now that she's got the inside track on my life, I gather she feels no need to continue our correspondence. I haven't heard from her since my last reply. What is wrong with these people? At least have the decency to reply. Maybe I'm expecting too much from something that isn't there. Maybe I'm asking too much from someone who no longer cares. We all have our own lives to lead and the ties that once bound us to eachother have slackened, but at least I'm making an effort. I'm trying here. I'm reaching out. But I find myself at a standstill (yet again), and I think this is the final straw. I've tried. And now I'm done.

Thankfully, Autumn and I have reconnected. We even talked for a couple of hours last week, catching up on what's new in our respective lives. Autumn and I share a special bond. We can go a long while without any contact, and when we finally reconnect, it seems as if no time has passed at all. I love that about our friendship. Autumn is possibly my closest friend. We've been through so much together, both good and bad. Our friendship's been tried so many times, but we know where we stand in each other's lives. I thought I had lost her there for a while, but that goes to show how little faith I had in our friendship. Now I realize just how strong our bond is, and I hope that I never forget or take advantage of our friendship.

Sigh. Two strikes is better than three, I suppose.

Now on to the homefront. BB and I haven't been intimate with eachother for almost a month. It's embarassing to admit, but it's the truth. A sad one at that. I don't know what's wrong. She's never in the mood, and I always seem to be. She thinks that's all I want from her, and I believe she doesn't really desire me. It's disheartening. We didn't even make love while in San Francisco on vacation. Absolutely disheartening. Sigh. If and when we do make love, I don't want her to feel as if it's her duty. What I want and need is for her to want and need me. I yearn for that spark of passion we once shared.

Is it me? Am I simply out of luck?? ARGH!!!

You can stay and hope that things gets better. Or you can face reality and move on. Simply stated, the truth f*cking hurts.