Monday, January 15, 2007

The Return

Maggie's back. BAM is together once again. But for how long? Sigh. I can't believe that Maggie cheated on Bianca. But then I couldn't believe that Bianca would have sex with someone she wasn't in love with. Someone other than Maggie. And what about this Zarf character? Will Zarf and Bianca become one, as their storyline initially indicated, thereby merging them into Barf? Ugh. I'm thrilled about the return and that Maggie wants Bianca back. But will Bianca forgive her? Will BAM reunite? As an avid fan, I sure as hell hope so! Long live BAM!

Speaking of the return, Jacob and I got together yesterday for a dose of "coffee talk." I was taken aback when he called with an invitation to come together. I wholeheartedly accepted and met him at a bookstore cafe. We caught up with eachother's lives and shared insightful information about our personal feelings and desires in life. We tried to recapture the intense conversations we had in the past, but the intensity was as bland as English food. We've both changed so much. At least I know that I've changed. I'm no longer the angst-driven person full of doubt and afraid of disappointments. I've had my fair share of disappointments, and I've learned to acknowledge and accept them. It wasn't easy and it still isn't, but I know what my priorities are and have a newfound perspective on life.

Jacob, on the other hand, continues to question his past choices and his purpose in life. He mentioned that he needed to get away from Lucas and the kids and that he regrets buying the home he shares with Lucas. He regrets the purchase because money is tight, thereby preventing him from traveling. He shared with me his passion for traveling and maintains hope in someday becoming the world traveler that he always wanted to be. Jacob also regrets leaving the military because now he feels as if he has no purpose. Finally, he stated that his actions are done to impress others and not necessarily done for himself. I didn't know what to say to him. He wasn't as happy as he'd previously led me to believe, and I felt sorry for him.

I also felt that Jacob wanted me to be as miserable as he was so there would be proof that what he's going through is OK. He kept asking me questions, wanting the inside dirt on my personal and professional life. In the past, I would have picked this very moment to complain about anything and everything. This time, I didn't. I didn't have a single thing on my mind which I needed to vent about. Instead, I told him the truth. The truth is I'm happy and content. And although I've made mistakes in the past, I have no regrets as to what I've done, where I've been, and who I am. Every moment of my life has led me to where I am and made me who I am today. I've grown up, figured out my priorities, faced my demons, accepted my successes and failures, and discovered a different perspective on life. Jacob looked at me dumbfounded, unbelieving. I didn't care whether he believed me or not. What I did care about is making Jacob believe that he could be just as happy and content. I advised him to seek that which will make him happy, not that which would make others happy. I told him to look within to find happiness and peace. I said that the years are wearing on and that he must choose his battles wisely and understand that sacrifices must be made. I tried to make him understand that it's OK to have these questions, but that he must know how to find and accept the answers. I didn't want to blatantly tell him that maybe the reason why he's so full of doubt, disappointments, and regret is because he is unhappy with Lucas and the life they share. I needed him to figure that out on his own. I could tell from his actions that he wants out and needs to be free. All the signs are there, but Jacob's either in denial or afraid to break Lucas' heart. I hope and pray that he finds what it is he's searching for and peace of mind.

Be true to yourself and everything that's falling apart will soon fall into place.

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