Untimely Death

I'm wondering how and why friends change and friendships end. Am I to blame? Have I changed so much that I can't relate with anyone anymore? I look at my friends who have been with me since middle school and think of the memories we created together. Those were the days, days long gone. They are no more. I don't know how we got here, to this point where everything we once knew has changed and everything we once shared bears no importance. I didn't want this. I didn't want us to end. I didn't wish for our friendship's untimely death.

I can't help but think that maybe I am to blame. My priorities have changed. They changed when I met BB. My whole world changed then. I love every minute I spend with BB, and I don't regret a moment I chose BB over others. Maybe I pushed my friendships to the wayside, further than I should have. Maybe I felt at times that they weren't enough and were far too easily dispensable. Sigh. I'm to blame. I pushed too hard. Even when we fought, as we had so many times in the past, lately I've held on to grudges much longer than any true friend should have. And maybe that's because I've changed and the rules of the game have changed for me. I've become much more intolerant as I've grown older, and I don't want to be a part of the childish games we once played. Back and forth. Push and pull. That's all we did. Sometimes, we had fun. Other times, the drama became too much. And yet I miss everything and everyone. I don't think we'll ever make it back to that point in time before things fell apart. After all, we have our individual lives to lead. We have our significant others to consider. And we have our personal dramas to sort through. Alone. Sigh. We've matured so much and grown into the adults we couldn't wait to become. Through it all, we never figured that growing up would also mean growing apart.

So this is goodbye, I guess. Goodbye to the way we were and the friendships we shared. I feel awful, but there's nothing I can do. I can continue to reach out, but will you do the same? Everything's changed. We've changed. There's no going back. Maybe someday? I can only hope. But rest assured, I will never forget.

Know when to walk away.