An Ordinary Day

Yesterday came and went without a hitch.  It was a rather ordinary day, if you ask me.  I didn’t even think of her once throughout the day, what would have been our 8^th anniversary.  The days leading up to that infamous date, however, were filled with anger, pain, and hopelessness.  Seven years flashed through my mind, both the good times and the bad, and I wondered how we went wrong and why our story came to an abrupt end.  I wondered if she remembered our anniversary.  I wondered if she still cared...

I prayed for a miracle, a sign, something to ease the hurt and quell my anger...This time around, my prayer had been answered.

We had another fight a few days ago, and my eyes opened to the reality of our situation.  I finally accepted that there could be no chance for reconciliation between us and that our time together, though fleeting, had come to pass.  And after careful examination as to the cause of all my pain and anger, I discovered that it had nothing to do with her, but everything to do with me, my fear, my insecurities, and my expectations about success, failure, love, life, and everything in between.  And like a light that burns out after many uses, at long last my heart let go of the pain and anger of losing her, failing us, and disappointing myself.

I don’t know if I’m simply numb to it all or if I’ve truly moved on, but either way, I am finally free of the fetters that once held me captive to a life which had long since ended.  I can think of her, of us, and our past without the piercing ache tearing my heart in two or the flashes of anger eating away at my sanity.  Sigh.  I can finally breathe again.

It's never an easy thing moving on, but letting go of the past is the only way to start living again.

Venturing Out

Duck Creek and Frenchman Mtn. at the Wetlands Park

Duck Creek at the Wetlands Park

I ventured out of my comfort zone and hiked the Duck Creek Trail at the Wetlands Park.  It was a beautiful morning, and I felt the urge to walk in a natural setting.  I've always wanted to walk the trails at the Wetlands Park near my home, but I never got around to it because I was either a) busy, b) afraid to go alone, and/or c) lazy.  So this morning I told myself to just do it.  To be the change I always envisioned I could be, even if it meant starting small like hiking alone in my backyard.

It's been so hard adjusting to being alone after the break up, and I've been insecure, depressed, sad, angry, and scared all at the same time.  Sigh.  But I know how important it is for me to find myself and to spend this time improving my emotional and physical well-being.  This is probably the most difficult thing I've gone through, but I have to move on and figure life out on my own.  Sigh.  The journey continues, and I'm going to make damn sure that I take in the magnificent view along the way!

Happy Endings and Self Love

I watched a touching film called "Shelter" the other day and bawled at the happy ending.  I didn't cry tears of happiness, but rather of sadness over the life I used to have with her.  I cried for the happy ending we didn't have and for a happy ending that I've lost all hope in.  I don't know if I'll get a second chance at love, but I pray that I will.

Then I came across the following brilliant, insightful, and inspirational passage in The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have by Mark Nepo :

"...give up the want of another and be who you are, and more often than not, love will come at the precise moment you are simply loving yourself" (Nepo 166).

My whole life before her, I've yearned for love, to be loved, to live the emotion without really understanding what it meant to love and without really loving myself first and foremost.  I've been so caught up in love and finding love that I never fully appreciated and acknowledged my own self-worth and beauty.  I've always needed to fill that void within me, even if it meant settling for something less than the real thing.  Sigh.  I was wrong to believe that the void in me could only be filled by loving someone other than myself.  I know now that I must focus on loving myself, and maybe someday, when I least expect it, love will find me.  By then, I'll be ready.

Sigh.  I guess something good came out of the break up after all.

Love thyself.

The Importance of Being Fine

I finally told my family and friends about the break up.  They were shocked and concerned, but then somewhat reassured when I told them I was absolutely fine. 

I am fine.  Absolutely fine.

Fin.

There's a reason for everything.  I may not understand why at the moment, but in time it will all make perfect sense.

A Name From The Past...

I spoke with JCM the other day during our weekly phone call, and he told me of his chance encounter with our high school classmate, Vicky.  I swear that the mention of her name and the knowledge that she lives right here in Las Vegas caused my heart to race.  I was happy to hear of our mutual friend, whom we've both lost contact with through the years, but I found it quite strange that long after my conversation with JCM had ended, my heart continued to beat rapidly as if it had run a long-distance marathon (not that I've ever ran a marathon, but I'm guessing that's how my heart would feel like if I ever did) and my mind raced with thoughts of Vicky.

Vicky and I were good friends in high school, and our friendship grew deeper during our years in college and our respective years in graduate school.  We spoke at least once a week and/or e-mailed daily while I was away in New York City studying law and she was back home in Hawai'i studying human resource management.  When she moved to Tacoma, WA, and I settled here in Las Vegas, our friendship managed to thrive despite the responsibilities and changes that life thrust upon us.  We always managed to find time for each other, and I loved that about our friendship.  But then, I fell in love...

A few years after moving to Las Vegas, I met Her and fell in love...at least, I thought I did.  In retrospect, I believe I was infatuated with the idea of love and being in love, but enough about that.  As my priorities changed and my world shifted around Her, I let my friendships fall to the wayside.  I never thought I would ever be like those people who forgot everyone else existed except the one their heart seemed to live for, but I became exactly that.  I was such an idiot for allowing my friendships to wither and die, and I'm paying dearly for it now that She's no longer a part of my life.  One of the things I will always regret is leaving Vicky behind...

When JCM talked about Vicky, all I could think about was how much we had fun together and how much I missed her.  And without warning, I felt a genuine smile on my face, which have been few and far between since the break up.  I felt an indescribable feeling rush through my body and flush over my face, and I couldn't ignore the thundering roar of my heart echoing in my ears and reverberating through my body.  And it struck me that I felt something other than anger, disappointment, sadness, and frustration.  I felt something stirring deep within me at the mention of her name...

I never told anyone this before and never really acknowledged it until now, but I had a crush on Vicky back when we were in college.  It was an innocent crush, one spurred on by someone who knew exactly what to say and do to make me smile and laugh and by someone who was there for me through my ups and downs.  She understood and believed in me, and she encouraged me to push on no matter what.  We had a lovely friendship...Is it any wonder why I had a crush on her?  Sigh.  I had a crush on my very straight best friend.

So fast forward all these years, and I find myself acting ridiculously happy upon hearing news about Vicky.  Maybe it's the young girl in me still clinging to a silly school-girl crush or maybe it's the woman in me who misses our friendship, especially at a time when I desperately need a friend.  I don't know...What I do know is my heart never beat so fast for anyone in a long, long time.

Riddle me this, Batman.

Don't be an idiot like me...

On a Hedwig High

A dose of Hedwig and the Angry Inch was exactly what I needed to get out of the slump I've been in since the break up.  I'm so happy I could cry!  I haven't been this happy in ages, and I'm relishing every minute of it.  I'm on a Hedwig high!

As I mentioned in an earlier post, the last time I saw Hedwig on stage was on January 29, 2000 at the Jane Street Theatre in New York City.  I will always remember that particular performance because John Cameron Mitchell returned to the stage to play Hedwig that night.  Needless to say, it was a brilliant performance.  And tonight's performance was brilliant in its own right because it jogged memories of my life in NYC and it inspired me to embrace all that I am and all that I once loved, but somehow forgot as time went by.  Sigh.  I'm on a natural high, and I owe it all to Hedwig.

Why did I ever give up my passion and interests?  Why did I ever leave me behind?  Why did I lose myself in the hustle and bustle of everyday life?  Why did I compromise parts of me for a relationship that would never stand the test of time?  Why did I let myself go?  Why did I allow myself to die a little each day I wasn't true to myself?  Why did I live an inauthentic existence for so long?  Why, why, why?!?!?!

Sigh.  Never again will I give up parts of myself.  Never again will I lose myself.  Never again will I compromise my existence, my happiness, my wants, my needs.  Never again will I accept anything less than who and what I am.  Never again will I accept a warped version of myself reflected in someone else's eyes.  Never again...

Always remember who you are and embrace what makes you whole.  No half-truths, no compromises...

Bounce

I'm trying to bounce back from the recent upheaval in my life, but it's not as easy as it should be.  All I can do is grin (somewhat) and bear (for the most part).  It seems she's bounced back sooner than I expected despite all that we've been through, and I'm still testing my abilities.  It feels like having to learn a basic function all over again after having taken it for granted all these years.  It's fricking hard.  Possibly the hardest thing I must endure.

On a lighter note, check out talented artist James Butterworth and his latest album entitled "Songs for Kahlan," inspired by Legend of the Seeker Cara/Kahlan ship.  This is a must for all you die-hard Cara/Kahlan shippers!

Wake me when it's all over...

Epic Fail and The Road Less Traveled

I did it.  I called my Dad and asked him to move in with me.  Although I'll be relieved to have my Dad near again (to keep an eye on him as he's getting on in age), I can't help but feel that I've somehow failed epically.  Everything's changing, faster than my feeble mind and heart can process.  She's moving out and moving on, and I'm at a standstill, trying to pick up the pieces.  She says she'll still be there to support me, financially or otherwise, but how can I trust that she will after all that's happened?  How can I trust her when not long ago, she promised to love me unconditionally and vowed to be at my side till the very end?  I should have known it was all a ruse...And now I'm burdened and encumbered with the weight of her decision, my resignation, and our mutual understanding.  My high pride refuses to show more, feel more than what I'm truly enduring inside.  At the very least, my dignity is still in tact...right?

Anyway, I digress.  I asked my Dad to move in because...I can't survive on my income alone.  Not with the mortgage and utilities that I'll be responsible for after she leaves.  Although she insists that I have nothing to worry about because she'll assist me financially until who knows when, I can't rely on her promises, on her words, on her.  Hence, my decision to ask my Dad to move up.  I never planned on this, believing we'd somehow make our relationship work and remain together until our last breath, but it's something that I have to do.  I need help, and I must not feel guilty or embarrassed in asking for it.  Sigh.

At least my Dad's happy.  He wants to move up, but I fear it's for other reasons (i.e., gambling and free beer).  I want to laugh, but I know I'll start crying if I do.  This is all so foreign to me, the break up, loneliness, and shattered pieces of the past seven years scattered at my feet, and I'm absolutely scared out of my wits.  This road I'm on is dark and lonely, the air around me dense and filled with shadows, and I want so much to turn and run back to the fork in the road I passed a while back.  To run after her and beg her to stay.  To hold on to something that is familiar and safe, even if it would mean settling and sacrificing my self yet again.  Even if it meant going back to those empty eyes staring back at me and the intimate, loving touch I know will never come again.  Sigh.

I can't.  I won't.  She's made up her mind, and so have I.  We can't go back, not now and maybe not ever.  I am saddened by this knowledge, but there is nothing that I can do to change what is and what can never be.  I'm on this road alone, and I must accept my fate.  I simply must.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 

- "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost

The road ahead is daunting, but I must keep pressing onward.  Maybe someday, everything will make sense.

Lies

I found out that she's been lying to me...again.  We're no longer together, but apparently things haven't changed.  She's always keeping things from me, thinking I'm better off not knowing.  She's wrong.  I'd rather she told me up front instead of having me find out on my own.  It's worse when I find things out on my own because I feel nothing but anger and betrayal.  Sigh.  This puts things in perspective, and I can honestly say at this moment that I'm relieved we're over.  Unfortunately, we're still orbiting the same space for the time being for financial reasons.  Breaking up is definitely hard to do.

Anyway, I've been trying hard not to think about her and our relationship, especially at work.  Sometimes, my mind wanders to the past, when times were good; when we were together.  A song plays on my Ipod and the memories come flooding in and I can hardly breathe.  It hurts.  It hurts knowing that it's all over after all the time and energy we invested in our relationship.  It pains me that our home is broken and our life together has met an untimely end.  It makes me cry when I think about our boys and the separation my family must soon endure.  It angers me to think about everything we've created and built together, only to have it all come crashing down around us.  And it frightens me that from here on out, I'll be on my own.

I'm not sure what I want.  I know we can't go back to what we had, and I know I have nothing ahead to look forward to.  I'm afraid.  Afraid of what the future may hold for me, for her, for us.  I'm afraid that I'll be alone forever.  That I'll die alone.

I'm afraid that maybe there isn't something more to look forward to in life or someone out there waiting for me...

You think that Luck
Has left you there.
But maybe there's nothing
Up in the sky but air.

And there's no mystical design,
No cosmic lover preassigned.
There's nothing you can find
That can not be found.
'Cause with all the changes
You've been through,
It seems the stranger's always you.
Alone again in some new
Wicked little town.

- "Wicked Little Town (Reprise)"

Hedwig and the Angry Inch

I want to believe that there's something more...I need to believe.

Coast Starlight

I'm thinking about finally taking that trip along the West Coast I always wanted to embark on.  And I'm going solo.  I'm excited and scared at the same time, but I really need this trip to soothe my soul.  I've always loved to travel, whether it be by car, plane, or train.  And this time in my life, after the break up, would be the perfect time to travel solo...to rediscover myself.  To reclaim my life.  To awaken the free-spirit within me.  To pursue my passion.  Sigh.  For the first time in a long time, I can breathe.  Coast Starlight, here I come!

On another note, I told Jacob about the break up.  It felt good to tell someone about what happened and what I'm going through.  It finally feels like this is real, that I'm not in some nightmare trying desperately to open my eyes.  True to form, Jacob gave incite into the matter, and I'm grateful for having a friend like him.  It helps knowing I have someone to lean on during this difficult time.

May you find yourself in everything you do and every road you embark on.

Unraveling

I feel my life unraveling before my very eyes.  I want her to stay, yet I need her to go.  I can't mourn our end until she's truly out of my life.  I haven't even allowed myself to cry.  The tears start to gather in my eyes whenever I think of our life together and how it ended after seven years, but they refuse to fall.  I can't even mourn this loss properly.  Why?  I suppose my pride refuses me to acknowledge the pain though my heart is battered and bruised.  I gave her seven years of my life, and she was my first.  I always thought she would be my last.  I was wrong, and I don't know how I feel about that.  The rational side of me believes this is right, that we had to come to an end because we aren't meant for each other, at least not the way we should be ideally.  But the other side of me, the one that's afraid to envision life without her, wants desperately to hold on to what we had.  I don't know if it's because I'm scared of being alone, of being thrust into the single life once again.  Or maybe it's because I'm afraid of never seeing her face again.  Though she wishes us to remain friends, I simply can't.  I don't want to.  It would be too hard on me to even try.  It's over.  We're over.  She wanted this, and so do I.  But how can I say goodbye to my lover, best friend, and soul mate of seven years?  How can I possibly end that chapter in my life?

I never truly understood how difficult it could be to say goodbye.

Out with the Old...

2011 will definitely be a year of change for me.  Although the road ahead is daunting, I feel a deep sense of relief and a renewed sense of excitement.  This time, however, I'm traveling down the road alone.


She said, "I love you and I care about you, but...I'm not in love with you."  Her honesty took me by surprise, but her words didn't break me as I thought they would.  I simply didn't understand why it took her this long to tell me the truth, and I don't know why she decided to lay bare her soul on New Year's Eve.  I gather she wanted a new start for the new year.  I won't lie and say this doesn't hurt, even though I've felt the gradual decline of our relationship for some time now.  She claims we've lost our spark, and I honestly think maybe we didn't share one to begin with.

I understand now what that fortune teller warned me about years ago.  She told me to be careful not to marry simply for the sake of being married.  I paid no heed to her reading, believing none of what she foretold.  And in time, I forgot.  Now I remember clearly as I replay the night's events in my head.  Was I simply in this relationship because I wanted to be in a relationship?  Granted, I loved her, still love her, and will always love her in a way, but I don't believe she was ever the one.  Our love will never be remembered in stories passed on from generation to generation, but I have hope that someday I'll find the one who'll set my soul on fire.  And that love will no doubt be remembered for all time.

Happy New Year!