Happy Endings and Self Love

I watched a touching film called "Shelter" the other day and bawled at the happy ending.  I didn't cry tears of happiness, but rather of sadness over the life I used to have with her.  I cried for the happy ending we didn't have and for a happy ending that I've lost all hope in.  I don't know if I'll get a second chance at love, but I pray that I will.

Then I came across the following brilliant, insightful, and inspirational passage in The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have by Mark Nepo :

"...give up the want of another and be who you are, and more often than not, love will come at the precise moment you are simply loving yourself" (Nepo 166).

My whole life before her, I've yearned for love, to be loved, to live the emotion without really understanding what it meant to love and without really loving myself first and foremost.  I've been so caught up in love and finding love that I never fully appreciated and acknowledged my own self-worth and beauty.  I've always needed to fill that void within me, even if it meant settling for something less than the real thing.  Sigh.  I was wrong to believe that the void in me could only be filled by loving someone other than myself.  I know now that I must focus on loving myself, and maybe someday, when I least expect it, love will find me.  By then, I'll be ready.

Sigh.  I guess something good came out of the break up after all.

Love thyself.

Meaningful Words

I'm currently reading David Levithan's The Lover's Dictionary, a story about love and relationships.  The novel is interesting in that it literally reads like a dictionary with the narrator's personal insight and impressions used to describe specific words.

Here are a few meaningful words from the The Lover's Dictionary, which are some of my personal favorites:

"abyss, n.  There are times when I doubt everything.  When I regret everything you've taken from me, everything I've given you, and the waste of all the time I've spent on us" (Levithan 6).

"barfly, n.  You have the ability to talk to anyone, which is an ability I do not share" (Levithan 27).

"motif, n.  You don't love me as much as I love you.  You don't love me as much as I love you.  You don't love me as much as I love you" (Levithan 144).

"serrated, adj.  And you said, 'I'm not sure we can'" (Levithan 180).

Notice how my personal favorites are quite dark and depressing?  I gather they stood out because they fit my mood perfectly at the moment.  But I digress...

The Lover's Dictionary by David Levithan is a brilliant must-read!

broken, adj.  How I felt when she said, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you."

Late-Night Reading and Reflection

I stayed up well into the night to finish a dark, yet heartwarming book entitled Ash by Malinda Lo.  I absolutely loved this book, a retelling of Cinderella, but with a fresh twist of its own filled with magic, fairy tales, a foreboding fairy prince, an honorable huntress, and a lost girl named Ash whose search for a home is at once heartbreaking, moving, and inspiring.  In the end of this poignant story, Ash makes her way out of the Wood and sees clearly for the first time in a long time with whom her heart and her home resides.

Needless to say, I didn't want this book to end, but the voracious reader in me and the persistent belief in happy endings willed me onward to the very end of this fairy tale.  Sigh.  It's been a long while since I discovered a book in which I was willing to stay up well past my bedtime to finish.

I love books like this.  I love the anticipation I feel in knowing the outcome of a story or the desperate need in me to read a significant passage repeatedly, hoping to sear the words in my mind's eye.  I love the feel of a crisp page under my fingertips and the impatient twitching of fingers that yearn to turn to the next page.  I love the press of a book against my heart, an attempt to quiet the heavy beating, as well as the scent of a well-read book invading my senses with promises of love, adventure, and great life lessons.  And I love the multitude of emotions that overwhelm me as a story unfolds, such as the sweet constriction around my heart, the sorrowful or blissful tears to my eyes, the excruciating agony and ire wracking my body, and the relief and ecstasy to my senses and well-being as a story reaches its crescendo, leaving me satiated yet desperately wanting more.  Sigh.  I love books.

I also love reflecting on the messages, truths, and lessons of a good book.  In this instant, after reading Ash, I thought long and hard about love and the obstacles which keep us from achieving it.  Ash could have lost hope and given in to an attitude, a person, and a world that she wasn't meant for given all that she lived through and the vast emptiness she felt in her solitude.  Yet, she refused to succumb and settle for a world that, despite its many sparkles and promises, could never provide a befitting substitute to true love and happiness and would have undoubtedly doubled the weight of emptiness she already felt.  In the end, Ash chose true love and in an instant, the world she found herself in appeared lighter and more alive than she could have ever imagined.  Sigh.  I love happy endings.

Put down the e-reader and pick up a book instead.  The possibilities are endless with a great read.

Random and Mundane

I thought I'd post something, anything really, minus the reflective nature of my usual posts.  The past few posts were especially written in an attempt to make sense of life, to give voice to the fragmented thoughts in my head.  With this post, I simply want to share random, mundane thoughts and facts of my life.  Here goes...

I can't seem to get "Kiss with a Fist" by Florence and the Machine out of my head.  It's a brilliant song!  I feel like dancing around kicking the air and waving my fists around when I listen to it.  Is it odd that it makes me want to kiss BB with my fist and then set fire to our bed?  Of course, I have no intention of playing out that thought...I think.  At least I can think fondly of Cara and Kahlan's fight!sex scene in "Desecrated" (season 2, episode 16) of the Legend of the Seeker TV series when I hear that song.  What subtext!  But I digress!  Anyway, the song is playing on repeat as I type this post.

Can I just say how much I love Tabrett Bethell?  She's absolutely stunning and brilliant!  I wonder if she kept the red leather Mord'Sith suit when the Legend of the Seeker TV series ended?  Role-playing anyone?  *giggles*

With the external floppy disk drive I got for Christmas, I finally accessed the stories and journal I wrote during my years in New York City and my early years in Sin City.  I read a story I wrote back in 2003, and it touched my heart.  Sometimes, I surprise even myself.  I think I have a knack for this.  Hopefully, I can make something out of it.

I hate to admit that BB and I aren't compatible, but we are.  We are as different as night and day.  Her interests differ from mine.  For example, she loves action movies, and I love foreign films.  She reads magazines, and I read classic literature.  She has a GED, and I have a JD.  I could go on and on about how different we are, but I believe that's the beauty and essence of our relationship.  We complement one another.  She's the yin to my yang, completing me, making me whole.  We are one.  And I don't think I could ever scream anyone else's name except hers in the throes of ecstasy.  Where I have a way with the spoken word, she has a way with the tongue.  She satiates me completely.

I finished Wizard's First Rule by Terry Goodkind.  It was by far better than I had anticipated, and I can't wait to read the next book!  The Legend of the Seeker TV series deviates greatly from the Sword of Truth book series, and I'm excited to be discovering a whole new world.  Yay!

I hope to visit New York City in February 2011.  *fingers crossed*  I <3 NYC!

I'm debating if BB and I should ring in the new year on the Strip with her co-workers.  I've never celebrated New Year's Eve on the Strip in all the years I lived here.  It's kind of daunting, all those people in a confined space.  The traffic will be horrendous.  And what of the pressing matter of potty breaks?  The casinos will close their doors to everyone but their guests a couple of hours before midnight.  The horror!  I can't believe I'm more worried about finding a clean bathroom to use instead of the drunkenness and degradation that will no doubt surround me.  Actually, this bizarre paranoia sounds exactly like me.

Sometimes, I wish we had stuck to our initial policy of having only one four-legged child.  Harper I can handle, but Artemis and Mercutio are an entirely different story.  Sigh.  I take it back.  How could we live without Artemis and Mercutio in our lives?  They drive me crazy, but I love my boys.

Speaking of my boys, it's time I end this post before they get into some kind of mischief that will have me pulling at my hair...again. 

It feels good to let it all out.