This isn't the way things should be. This can't be the way things should end. Things should be...better. The end brighter...
I've always pictured things to be so different than how they are. I've always pictured him to be someone else entirely, not the shadow of the person he once was or could have been. And now this. Damn it. Anything but this. This can't be the legacy he leaves behind. This can't be the way it ends.
But it is. And it will be.
Yet again, I'm left to ponder life's questions and ironies alone...Thoughts invade my conscious reality. Nightmares tear through my subconscious state. Always the one left behind to make light of a dire situation, to remain hopeful when faith is lost, to keep onward towards the unknown...
My lesson to learn. My punishment to bear. My hell to endure. My sin to purge. My life to redeem.
This isn't how it's supposed to be. This isn't how it's supposed to end.
Destiny, fate, karma, luck...Whatever the fuck you want to name it. THIS WILL NOT BE.
It can't be.
It won't be.
The end.
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Monday, October 22, 2012
Friday, May 25, 2012
Oh Yeah! Today Is My Birthday
Woke up this morning feeling...jolly good! Today is my birthday, and it doesn't matter that I'm another year older. I'm simply happy to be alive and well. Life could be far better than it currently is, but if it were, it would probably be just plain boring. I say go with the flow and embrace life as it is. That's not to say accept things as they are, but to adapt and change for the better. For the most part, live, laugh, love. Be free and authentic. Simply be.
With that said, allow me to share photos of my special day spent at the Las Vegas Springs Preserve and the Nevada State Museum.
Miscellaneous Shots at the Springs Preserve
Thus, I leave you with an excerpt from Madonna's "B-Day Song," which I played repeatedly throughout the day.
With that said, allow me to share photos of my special day spent at the Las Vegas Springs Preserve and the Nevada State Museum.
Nevada State Museum
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| The Columbian Mammoth |
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| Ichthyosaur (top) and Pacific Horse (bottom) |
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| The Columbian Mammoth |
The Trails at the Springs Preserve
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| The Spring House remains, a restoration site. |
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| I love archeology! |
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| View of Las Vegas Strip in the distance. |
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| Historic Oil Tower in the distance. |
The Gardens at the Springs Preserve
(Recycled Art by Dave Thompson)
Miscellaneous Shots at the Springs Preserve
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| The Ori-Gen Experience |
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| The Rotunda |
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| View of the Vegas Strip in the distance. |
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| The Ori-Gen Experience |
The Springs Cafe
Thus, I leave you with an excerpt from Madonna's "B-Day Song," which I played repeatedly throughout the day.
"I know it's gonna be a good day.
Oh yeah! Today is my birthday!
I'm a happy girl.
In a happy world."
So it's your birthday. Go forth and celebrate your life!
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Vacation Long Overdue
I spent the day with JCM at the Bellagio Hotel & Casino in honor of my impending birthday and at the generous expense of his. First, we stood mesmerized by the breathtaking scene of the 2012 Spring Collection at the Bellagio Conservatory & Botanical Gardens.
Then, we indulged in the intoxicating drink called the Cable Car at the Baccarat Bar, where we engaged in stimulating conversations about everything in life. At some point, the alcohol seemed to get the best of us as we burst into fits of giggles and high-fives despite the stares we undoubtedly received from other patrons.
Afterward, we braved the walk through the masses to witness the beautifully inspiring works at the "Claude Monet: Impressions of Light" exhibit in the Bellagio Gallery of Fine Art (BGFA). We were both enthralled by a particular piece entitled Seacoast at Trouville. Included in this exhibit were works by Eugene Louis Boudin; I was simply awe-inspired by the detailed work of his Fashionable Figures on the Beach.
Thereafter, we lounged on comfortable chairs outside the BGFA and engaged in our continuous philosophical conversation about life. More than once, we were sidetracked by the numerous eye candy that walked by. People watching is a favorite pastime of ours. =)
Finally, we ended our day at the Cafe Bellagio, where we immersed ourselves in more talk and savored each delectable bite of our rather pricey entrees.
Today was a wonderful start to my much needed and long overdue vacation. I'm grateful to have friends like JCM who make life bearable and quite interesting.
Then, we indulged in the intoxicating drink called the Cable Car at the Baccarat Bar, where we engaged in stimulating conversations about everything in life. At some point, the alcohol seemed to get the best of us as we burst into fits of giggles and high-fives despite the stares we undoubtedly received from other patrons.
Afterward, we braved the walk through the masses to witness the beautifully inspiring works at the "Claude Monet: Impressions of Light" exhibit in the Bellagio Gallery of Fine Art (BGFA). We were both enthralled by a particular piece entitled Seacoast at Trouville. Included in this exhibit were works by Eugene Louis Boudin; I was simply awe-inspired by the detailed work of his Fashionable Figures on the Beach.
Thereafter, we lounged on comfortable chairs outside the BGFA and engaged in our continuous philosophical conversation about life. More than once, we were sidetracked by the numerous eye candy that walked by. People watching is a favorite pastime of ours. =)
Finally, we ended our day at the Cafe Bellagio, where we immersed ourselves in more talk and savored each delectable bite of our rather pricey entrees.
Today was a wonderful start to my much needed and long overdue vacation. I'm grateful to have friends like JCM who make life bearable and quite interesting.
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| 2012 Spring Collection, Bellagio Conservatory |
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| The Cable Car at the Baccarat Bar, Bellagio Casino |
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| Bellagio Turkey Club at the Cafe Bellagio |
Life is fleeting, and time...well, it stops for no one. Enjoy life while it still runs through your body and burns in your blood. You only have this one chance at it, so I say "Indulge and be merry!"
Sunday, November 20, 2011
An Ordinary Day
Yesterday came and went without a hitch. It was a rather ordinary day, if you ask me. I didn’t even think of her once throughout the day, what would have been our 8th anniversary. The days leading up to that infamous date, however, were filled with anger, pain, and hopelessness. Seven years flashed through my mind, both the good times and the bad, and I wondered how we went wrong and why our story came to an abrupt end. I wondered if she remembered our anniversary. I wondered if she still cared...
I prayed for a miracle, a sign, something to ease the hurt and quell my anger...This time around, my prayer had been answered.
We had another fight a few days ago, and my eyes opened to the reality of our situation. I finally accepted that there could be no chance for reconciliation between us and that our time together, though fleeting, had come to pass. And after careful examination as to the cause of all my pain and anger, I discovered that it had nothing to do with her, but everything to do with me, my fear, my insecurities, and my expectations about success, failure, love, life, and everything in between. And like a light that burns out after many uses, at long last my heart let go of the pain and anger of losing her, failing us, and disappointing myself.
I don’t know if I’m simply numb to it all or if I’ve truly moved on, but either way, I am finally free of the fetters that once held me captive to a life which had long since ended. I can think of her, of us, and our past without the piercing ache tearing my heart in two or the flashes of anger eating away at my sanity. Sigh. I can finally breathe again.
It's never an easy thing moving on, but letting go of the past is the only way to start living again.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Last Night...
Last night, I swallowed my fear and insecurity and attended The L Group Discussion Night at The Center (LGBT). The meeting was interesting and insightful and it allowed me to venture out of my comfort zone and meet new people. I've always wanted to attend a meeting, but some lame excuse or another prevented me from doing so. In all honesty, my incessant fear and insecurity about everything new, unfamiliar, and outside of my comfort zone prevented me from participating in a lot of things in life. It disgusts me that I've let myself miss out on so many things because I was afraid or insecure. But I've finally come to accept that I can't control the unknown and can never be perfect, so rather than fighting change and living in fear, I am determined to embrace change and live. God, I just want to live. After the break up and losing Jocelyn to an untimely death, I've finally opened my eyes to the realities of the world and the fleeting nature of life. Life is short and can be difficult at times. But you can choose to wallow in self-pity and remain stuck in your situation or you can can view your situation in a different light and make the most of what you have at the moment. I so sick of being afraid and insecure. I don't want to live like that anymore. I want to be free and alive. I want to fly...
On that note, I plan to participate more in community events and continue to explore all that Las Vegas has to offer. I also hope to learn more about the world and subjects that interest me. And I will focus on me and embrace this time alone. It's about time I take care of myself and my needs.
On that note, I plan to participate more in community events and continue to explore all that Las Vegas has to offer. I also hope to learn more about the world and subjects that interest me. And I will focus on me and embrace this time alone. It's about time I take care of myself and my needs.
Changes
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| On the way to Rainbow Gardens/Lava Butte. |
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| Road from Las Vegas to Rainbow Gardens/Lava Butte. |
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| Las Vegas far off in the distance. |
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| Random rock formation on the way to Rainbow Gardens/Lava Butte. |
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| Lava Butte a.k.a. The Armadillo |
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| Rainbow Gardens |
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| Frenchman Mountain and the Great Unconformity Interpretive Site |
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| View of The Strip from Frenchman Mountain. |
I had a wonderful time discovering more of what Las Vegas has to offer. I'm too harsh on this city at times as it was never my first choice of where to live. But I've come to accept that I'm here for the time being, and I'm doing everything in my power to embrace all that this city with its arid landscape and neon lights has to offer. Opening my eyes to the world and making the best of my surroundings/situation has done wonders for me these past few weeks since I've changed my outlook on life. It's all about perception and the choices you make. Las Vegas isn't half as bad as I originally thought, offering surprises of its own, and the world isn't as daunting as I originally perceived as I embrace life for all its worth, good and bad.
Embrace changes in your life with a positive outlook. Everything is tied to your perception and the choices you ultimately make in life. Follow your heart, and you'll do exceptionally well.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Happy Endings and Self Love
I watched a touching film called "Shelter" the other day and bawled at the happy ending. I didn't cry tears of happiness, but rather of sadness over the life I used to have with her. I cried for the happy ending we didn't have and for a happy ending that I've lost all hope in. I don't know if I'll get a second chance at love, but I pray that I will.
Then I came across the following brilliant, insightful, and inspirational passage in The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have by Mark Nepo :
"...give up the want of another and be who you are, and more often than not, love will come at the precise moment you are simply loving yourself" (Nepo 166).
My whole life before her, I've yearned for love, to be loved, to live the emotion without really understanding what it meant to love and without really loving myself first and foremost. I've been so caught up in love and finding love that I never fully appreciated and acknowledged my own self-worth and beauty. I've always needed to fill that void within me, even if it meant settling for something less than the real thing. Sigh. I was wrong to believe that the void in me could only be filled by loving someone other than myself. I know now that I must focus on loving myself, and maybe someday, when I least expect it, love will find me. By then, I'll be ready.
Sigh. I guess something good came out of the break up after all.
Love thyself.
Then I came across the following brilliant, insightful, and inspirational passage in The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have by Mark Nepo :
"...give up the want of another and be who you are, and more often than not, love will come at the precise moment you are simply loving yourself" (Nepo 166).
My whole life before her, I've yearned for love, to be loved, to live the emotion without really understanding what it meant to love and without really loving myself first and foremost. I've been so caught up in love and finding love that I never fully appreciated and acknowledged my own self-worth and beauty. I've always needed to fill that void within me, even if it meant settling for something less than the real thing. Sigh. I was wrong to believe that the void in me could only be filled by loving someone other than myself. I know now that I must focus on loving myself, and maybe someday, when I least expect it, love will find me. By then, I'll be ready.
Sigh. I guess something good came out of the break up after all.
Love thyself.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
"How do you measure a year?"
"Measure in love." - RENT
I love this musical! I always listen to the OBC recording whenever I'm feeling down. It inspires me to live, to be grateful for each day, every second, every breath...
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Meaningful Words
I'm currently reading David Levithan's The Lover's Dictionary, a story about love and relationships. The novel is interesting in that it literally reads like a dictionary with the narrator's personal insight and impressions used to describe specific words.
Here are a few meaningful words from the The Lover's Dictionary, which are some of my personal favorites:
Here are a few meaningful words from the The Lover's Dictionary, which are some of my personal favorites:
"abyss, n. There are times when I doubt everything. When I regret everything you've taken from me, everything I've given you, and the waste of all the time I've spent on us" (Levithan 6).
"barfly, n. You have the ability to talk to anyone, which is an ability I do not share" (Levithan 27).
"motif, n. You don't love me as much as I love you. You don't love me as much as I love you. You don't love me as much as I love you" (Levithan 144).
"serrated, adj. And you said, 'I'm not sure we can'" (Levithan 180).
Notice how my personal favorites are quite dark and depressing? I gather they stood out because they fit my mood perfectly at the moment. But I digress...
The Lover's Dictionary by David Levithan is a brilliant must-read!
broken, adj. How I felt when she said, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you."
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Good
I was flipping through the channels yesterday, and I came across the music video for "Good" by Better Than Ezra. In an instant, my mind flooded with thoughts of my summer in Washington, DC during my stint with the FBI Honors Internship Program...Thoughts good and bad, bleeding into one memorable experience that served as my stepping stone off the island I was born and raised on and into the world that would shape me into the woman I would become. Sigh. I often think back to that young, naive girl who was just stepping into her own, wondering where she found the courage, inspiration, and stamina to go forth and conquer...
Fast forward fourteen years, and I feel somewhat like the girl I left behind, embarking on a new chapter in my life. I feel the same dread and insecurity, but none of the happiness and excitement. I gather it's because I'm no longer young and naive (although I could argue that well into the night), and the prospect of starting a new chapter and turning over a new leaf at the age of thirty-four going on thirty-five is more than a bit daunting. The truth is I'm absolutely frightened. And the added weight of a seven-year relationship gone bad, as well as the multitude of insecurities that come with the fallout, packed into one large well-worn suitcase is too much to bear for even my broad shoulders. Sigh.
Hedwig said something along the lines of I laugh because I would cry if I didn't. That's exactly how I feel. So I laugh even when there is no punchline, putting on a brave, happy face for the world to see. Then at the end of the day, I go home to a house that is no longer a home and let my guard down. Sometimes I drown in sadness, other times I revel in self-righteous anger, and yet at times I wallow in self-pity. I never thought I'd find myself back where I started all those years ago, dreading the minutes leading up to the starting bell. I don't want to start all over again. I shouldn't have to...not at my age. I should be enjoying my winnings at the finish line...not hoping against hope that I don't fall by the wayside in this agonizing race called life. Sigh.
I guess I should thank Better Than Ezra for this train of thought.
I need a distraction...something like a good fuck.
Heads up. You're in for the ride of your life. Don't fuck it up or else you'll be blogging about your sorry life like I am. LoL
Fast forward fourteen years, and I feel somewhat like the girl I left behind, embarking on a new chapter in my life. I feel the same dread and insecurity, but none of the happiness and excitement. I gather it's because I'm no longer young and naive (although I could argue that well into the night), and the prospect of starting a new chapter and turning over a new leaf at the age of thirty-four going on thirty-five is more than a bit daunting. The truth is I'm absolutely frightened. And the added weight of a seven-year relationship gone bad, as well as the multitude of insecurities that come with the fallout, packed into one large well-worn suitcase is too much to bear for even my broad shoulders. Sigh.
Hedwig said something along the lines of I laugh because I would cry if I didn't. That's exactly how I feel. So I laugh even when there is no punchline, putting on a brave, happy face for the world to see. Then at the end of the day, I go home to a house that is no longer a home and let my guard down. Sometimes I drown in sadness, other times I revel in self-righteous anger, and yet at times I wallow in self-pity. I never thought I'd find myself back where I started all those years ago, dreading the minutes leading up to the starting bell. I don't want to start all over again. I shouldn't have to...not at my age. I should be enjoying my winnings at the finish line...not hoping against hope that I don't fall by the wayside in this agonizing race called life. Sigh.
I guess I should thank Better Than Ezra for this train of thought.
I need a distraction...something like a good fuck.
Heads up. You're in for the ride of your life. Don't fuck it up or else you'll be blogging about your sorry life like I am. LoL
Monday, April 04, 2011
The Importance of Being Fine
I finally told my family and friends about the break up. They were shocked and concerned, but then somewhat reassured when I told them I was absolutely fine.
I am fine. Absolutely fine.
Fin.
There's a reason for everything. I may not understand why at the moment, but in time it will all make perfect sense.
I am fine. Absolutely fine.
Fin.
There's a reason for everything. I may not understand why at the moment, but in time it will all make perfect sense.
Sunday, April 03, 2011
A Name From The Past...
I spoke with JCM the other day during our weekly phone call, and he told me of his chance encounter with our high school classmate, Vicky. I swear that the mention of her name and the knowledge that she lives right here in Las Vegas caused my heart to race. I was happy to hear of our mutual friend, whom we've both lost contact with through the years, but I found it quite strange that long after my conversation with JCM had ended, my heart continued to beat rapidly as if it had run a long-distance marathon (not that I've ever ran a marathon, but I'm guessing that's how my heart would feel like if I ever did) and my mind raced with thoughts of Vicky.
Vicky and I were good friends in high school, and our friendship grew deeper during our years in college and our respective years in graduate school. We spoke at least once a week and/or e-mailed daily while I was away in New York City studying law and she was back home in Hawai'i studying human resource management. When she moved to Tacoma, WA, and I settled here in Las Vegas, our friendship managed to thrive despite the responsibilities and changes that life thrust upon us. We always managed to find time for each other, and I loved that about our friendship. But then, I fell in love...
A few years after moving to Las Vegas, I met Her and fell in love...at least, I thought I did. In retrospect, I believe I was infatuated with the idea of love and being in love, but enough about that. As my priorities changed and my world shifted around Her, I let my friendships fall to the wayside. I never thought I would ever be like those people who forgot everyone else existed except the one their heart seemed to live for, but I became exactly that. I was such an idiot for allowing my friendships to wither and die, and I'm paying dearly for it now that She's no longer a part of my life. One of the things I will always regret is leaving Vicky behind...
When JCM talked about Vicky, all I could think about was how much we had fun together and how much I missed her. And without warning, I felt a genuine smile on my face, which have been few and far between since the break up. I felt an indescribable feeling rush through my body and flush over my face, and I couldn't ignore the thundering roar of my heart echoing in my ears and reverberating through my body. And it struck me that I felt something other than anger, disappointment, sadness, and frustration. I felt something stirring deep within me at the mention of her name...
I never told anyone this before and never really acknowledged it until now, but I had a crush on Vicky back when we were in college. It was an innocent crush, one spurred on by someone who knew exactly what to say and do to make me smile and laugh and by someone who was there for me through my ups and downs. She understood and believed in me, and she encouraged me to push on no matter what. We had a lovely friendship...Is it any wonder why I had a crush on her? Sigh. I had a crush on my very straight best friend.
So fast forward all these years, and I find myself acting ridiculously happy upon hearing news about Vicky. Maybe it's the young girl in me still clinging to a silly school-girl crush or maybe it's the woman in me who misses our friendship, especially at a time when I desperately need a friend. I don't know...What I do know is my heart never beat so fast for anyone in a long, long time.
Riddle me this, Batman.
Don't be an idiot like me...
Vicky and I were good friends in high school, and our friendship grew deeper during our years in college and our respective years in graduate school. We spoke at least once a week and/or e-mailed daily while I was away in New York City studying law and she was back home in Hawai'i studying human resource management. When she moved to Tacoma, WA, and I settled here in Las Vegas, our friendship managed to thrive despite the responsibilities and changes that life thrust upon us. We always managed to find time for each other, and I loved that about our friendship. But then, I fell in love...
A few years after moving to Las Vegas, I met Her and fell in love...at least, I thought I did. In retrospect, I believe I was infatuated with the idea of love and being in love, but enough about that. As my priorities changed and my world shifted around Her, I let my friendships fall to the wayside. I never thought I would ever be like those people who forgot everyone else existed except the one their heart seemed to live for, but I became exactly that. I was such an idiot for allowing my friendships to wither and die, and I'm paying dearly for it now that She's no longer a part of my life. One of the things I will always regret is leaving Vicky behind...
When JCM talked about Vicky, all I could think about was how much we had fun together and how much I missed her. And without warning, I felt a genuine smile on my face, which have been few and far between since the break up. I felt an indescribable feeling rush through my body and flush over my face, and I couldn't ignore the thundering roar of my heart echoing in my ears and reverberating through my body. And it struck me that I felt something other than anger, disappointment, sadness, and frustration. I felt something stirring deep within me at the mention of her name...
I never told anyone this before and never really acknowledged it until now, but I had a crush on Vicky back when we were in college. It was an innocent crush, one spurred on by someone who knew exactly what to say and do to make me smile and laugh and by someone who was there for me through my ups and downs. She understood and believed in me, and she encouraged me to push on no matter what. We had a lovely friendship...Is it any wonder why I had a crush on her? Sigh. I had a crush on my very straight best friend.
So fast forward all these years, and I find myself acting ridiculously happy upon hearing news about Vicky. Maybe it's the young girl in me still clinging to a silly school-girl crush or maybe it's the woman in me who misses our friendship, especially at a time when I desperately need a friend. I don't know...What I do know is my heart never beat so fast for anyone in a long, long time.
Riddle me this, Batman.
Don't be an idiot like me...
Monday, March 28, 2011
Abundance
I love the rare moments when words spill freely from my thoughts onto paper. An abundance of words forming complete sentences on a clean slate, filling gaps and stringing paragraphs; an intricate map leading to a treasure-trove of ingenuity.
I love the excitement of a completed piece of work worthy of a once-over.
No matter how lost and downtrodden your life appears to be, always follow your heart and your passion .
I love the excitement of a completed piece of work worthy of a once-over.
No matter how lost and downtrodden your life appears to be, always follow your heart and your passion .
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Elizabethtown
Whenever I'm in a rut and hating life, I take refuge in a favorite book (Letters to a Young Poet by Rilke or perhaps Siddhartha by Hesse), a favorite CD (Rent, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, or Madonna's Ray of Light among others), or an uplifting DVD, in this case Elizabethtown.
I love this movie! It never fails to make me feel better about life and the circumstances I find myself in. The message of the film from my point of view is to embrace the beauty of life in spite of its flaws, to move past our so-called failures, and to see the bigger picture- that there's no issue too big, too difficult or too humiliating which we cannot overcome. That somehow, it's really not that bad. You're not that bad off. Life isn't as bad as we perceive it to be. And hell, things could definitely be worse than they are, but they aren't. It's all about perception and what you do with all those lemons thrown at you from time to time. Like the saying goes, if life hands you lemons, then make lemonade. Maybe add a shot of vodka and some syrup, then enjoy!
Sigh. In juxtaposition with the dire events in the world today, my life isn't as bad as I thought it was. And I'm grateful to be alive...
On a lighter note, I finally purchased my Brandi Carlile ticket! YAY! I can hardly wait to see her perform live! I love her music!
Nothing is as bad as you initially perceive it to be. Take a step back and see the bigger picture. It helps to breathe...
I love this movie! It never fails to make me feel better about life and the circumstances I find myself in. The message of the film from my point of view is to embrace the beauty of life in spite of its flaws, to move past our so-called failures, and to see the bigger picture- that there's no issue too big, too difficult or too humiliating which we cannot overcome. That somehow, it's really not that bad. You're not that bad off. Life isn't as bad as we perceive it to be. And hell, things could definitely be worse than they are, but they aren't. It's all about perception and what you do with all those lemons thrown at you from time to time. Like the saying goes, if life hands you lemons, then make lemonade. Maybe add a shot of vodka and some syrup, then enjoy!
Sigh. In juxtaposition with the dire events in the world today, my life isn't as bad as I thought it was. And I'm grateful to be alive...
On a lighter note, I finally purchased my Brandi Carlile ticket! YAY! I can hardly wait to see her perform live! I love her music!
Nothing is as bad as you initially perceive it to be. Take a step back and see the bigger picture. It helps to breathe...
Sunday, March 13, 2011
On a Hedwig High
A dose of Hedwig and the Angry Inch was exactly what I needed to get out of the slump I've been in since the break up. I'm so happy I could cry! I haven't been this happy in ages, and I'm relishing every minute of it. I'm on a Hedwig high!
As I mentioned in an earlier post, the last time I saw Hedwig on stage was on January 29, 2000 at the Jane Street Theatre in New York City. I will always remember that particular performance because John Cameron Mitchell returned to the stage to play Hedwig that night. Needless to say, it was a brilliant performance. And tonight's performance was brilliant in its own right because it jogged memories of my life in NYC and it inspired me to embrace all that I am and all that I once loved, but somehow forgot as time went by. Sigh. I'm on a natural high, and I owe it all to Hedwig.
Why did I ever give up my passion and interests? Why did I ever leave me behind? Why did I lose myself in the hustle and bustle of everyday life? Why did I compromise parts of me for a relationship that would never stand the test of time? Why did I let myself go? Why did I allow myself to die a little each day I wasn't true to myself? Why did I live an inauthentic existence for so long? Why, why, why?!?!?!
Sigh. Never again will I give up parts of myself. Never again will I lose myself. Never again will I compromise my existence, my happiness, my wants, my needs. Never again will I accept anything less than who and what I am. Never again will I accept a warped version of myself reflected in someone else's eyes. Never again...
Always remember who you are and embrace what makes you whole. No half-truths, no compromises...
As I mentioned in an earlier post, the last time I saw Hedwig on stage was on January 29, 2000 at the Jane Street Theatre in New York City. I will always remember that particular performance because John Cameron Mitchell returned to the stage to play Hedwig that night. Needless to say, it was a brilliant performance. And tonight's performance was brilliant in its own right because it jogged memories of my life in NYC and it inspired me to embrace all that I am and all that I once loved, but somehow forgot as time went by. Sigh. I'm on a natural high, and I owe it all to Hedwig.
Why did I ever give up my passion and interests? Why did I ever leave me behind? Why did I lose myself in the hustle and bustle of everyday life? Why did I compromise parts of me for a relationship that would never stand the test of time? Why did I let myself go? Why did I allow myself to die a little each day I wasn't true to myself? Why did I live an inauthentic existence for so long? Why, why, why?!?!?!
Sigh. Never again will I give up parts of myself. Never again will I lose myself. Never again will I compromise my existence, my happiness, my wants, my needs. Never again will I accept anything less than who and what I am. Never again will I accept a warped version of myself reflected in someone else's eyes. Never again...
Always remember who you are and embrace what makes you whole. No half-truths, no compromises...
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Philosophical Coffee Talks
JCM and I met up at Barnes and Nobles this morning to resume our long overdue philosophical "coffee talk." It's been too long since we last engaged in this tradition of ours as family, careers, and shifting priorities crept into the foreground of our lives, unintentionally leaving little or no time for us to continue our ritual. A ritual that began in our early 20s during a period in our lives when we first began to feel the weight of the world on our shoulders as life's questions went unanswered. In an attempt to decipher life's often daunting questions, we created an open forum and engaged in honest discussions centered around the gray shades of life. Through the years, we manged to support one another, to come to each other's defense and aid, when life became too much to bear alone. And like the Socrates of old, we created a place where we were free to discuss life, death, and everything in between without judgment.
Today's talk was heartfelt and wracked with soul-searching questions. We tossed ideas around about life and shared insights on the paths we're currently on. We reflected on the past and hoped for the future, but adamantly vowed to live in the now. And we vehemently aspired to live authentically, not merely with words, but in our actions.
I am so grateful for JCM's friendship. He's been there for me during every phase of my life: my transition from a small plantation town on Oahu, Hawai'i to the bright lights of Manhattan; my coming out; my lonely, angst-ridden twenty-something years; my relationship with her; and my current state of being (i.e., post break up and my ongoing search for me). He has been an integral part of my life, and I hope our friendship means just as much to him.
On another note, I feel the desperate need to travel. Although it may not be the most practical time for me to do so given my limited funds, I'm throwing practicality and reasoning out the window. For so long I've put my dreams and, consequently, my life on hold for practical reasons, yet where and what has that brought me? Nowhere and nothing. So I've decided to do the opposite of what my mind tells me and instead follow the yearnings of my heart. In the words of her Madgesty, "I think I'll follow my heart. It's a very good place to start."
Live unfettered, but remain true to your heart.
Today's talk was heartfelt and wracked with soul-searching questions. We tossed ideas around about life and shared insights on the paths we're currently on. We reflected on the past and hoped for the future, but adamantly vowed to live in the now. And we vehemently aspired to live authentically, not merely with words, but in our actions.
I am so grateful for JCM's friendship. He's been there for me during every phase of my life: my transition from a small plantation town on Oahu, Hawai'i to the bright lights of Manhattan; my coming out; my lonely, angst-ridden twenty-something years; my relationship with her; and my current state of being (i.e., post break up and my ongoing search for me). He has been an integral part of my life, and I hope our friendship means just as much to him.
On another note, I feel the desperate need to travel. Although it may not be the most practical time for me to do so given my limited funds, I'm throwing practicality and reasoning out the window. For so long I've put my dreams and, consequently, my life on hold for practical reasons, yet where and what has that brought me? Nowhere and nothing. So I've decided to do the opposite of what my mind tells me and instead follow the yearnings of my heart. In the words of her Madgesty, "I think I'll follow my heart. It's a very good place to start."
Live unfettered, but remain true to your heart.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Bounce
I'm trying to bounce back from the recent upheaval in my life, but it's not as easy as it should be. All I can do is grin (somewhat) and bear (for the most part). It seems she's bounced back sooner than I expected despite all that we've been through, and I'm still testing my abilities. It feels like having to learn a basic function all over again after having taken it for granted all these years. It's fricking hard. Possibly the hardest thing I must endure.
On a lighter note, check out talented artist James Butterworth and his latest album entitled "Songs for Kahlan," inspired by Legend of the Seeker Cara/Kahlan ship. This is a must for all you die-hard Cara/Kahlan shippers!
Wake me when it's all over...
On a lighter note, check out talented artist James Butterworth and his latest album entitled "Songs for Kahlan," inspired by Legend of the Seeker Cara/Kahlan ship. This is a must for all you die-hard Cara/Kahlan shippers!
Wake me when it's all over...
Monday, January 17, 2011
Epic Fail and The Road Less Traveled
I did it. I called my Dad and asked him to move in with me. Although I'll be relieved to have my Dad near again (to keep an eye on him as he's getting on in age), I can't help but feel that I've somehow failed epically. Everything's changing, faster than my feeble mind and heart can process. She's moving out and moving on, and I'm at a standstill, trying to pick up the pieces. She says she'll still be there to support me, financially or otherwise, but how can I trust that she will after all that's happened? How can I trust her when not long ago, she promised to love me unconditionally and vowed to be at my side till the very end? I should have known it was all a ruse...And now I'm burdened and encumbered with the weight of her decision, my resignation, and our mutual understanding. My high pride refuses to show more, feel more than what I'm truly enduring inside. At the very least, my dignity is still in tact...right?
Anyway, I digress. I asked my Dad to move in because...I can't survive on my income alone. Not with the mortgage and utilities that I'll be responsible for after she leaves. Although she insists that I have nothing to worry about because she'll assist me financially until who knows when, I can't rely on her promises, on her words, on her. Hence, my decision to ask my Dad to move up. I never planned on this, believing we'd somehow make our relationship work and remain together until our last breath, but it's something that I have to do. I need help, and I must not feel guilty or embarrassed in asking for it. Sigh.
At least my Dad's happy. He wants to move up, but I fear it's for other reasons (i.e., gambling and free beer). I want to laugh, but I know I'll start crying if I do. This is all so foreign to me, the break up, loneliness, and shattered pieces of the past seven years scattered at my feet, and I'm absolutely scared out of my wits. This road I'm on is dark and lonely, the air around me dense and filled with shadows, and I want so much to turn and run back to the fork in the road I passed a while back. To run after her and beg her to stay. To hold on to something that is familiar and safe, even if it would mean settling and sacrificing my self yet again. Even if it meant going back to those empty eyes staring back at me and the intimate, loving touch I know will never come again. Sigh.
I can't. I won't. She's made up her mind, and so have I. We can't go back, not now and maybe not ever. I am saddened by this knowledge, but there is nothing that I can do to change what is and what can never be. I'm on this road alone, and I must accept my fate. I simply must.
The road ahead is daunting, but I must keep pressing onward. Maybe someday, everything will make sense.
Anyway, I digress. I asked my Dad to move in because...I can't survive on my income alone. Not with the mortgage and utilities that I'll be responsible for after she leaves. Although she insists that I have nothing to worry about because she'll assist me financially until who knows when, I can't rely on her promises, on her words, on her. Hence, my decision to ask my Dad to move up. I never planned on this, believing we'd somehow make our relationship work and remain together until our last breath, but it's something that I have to do. I need help, and I must not feel guilty or embarrassed in asking for it. Sigh.
At least my Dad's happy. He wants to move up, but I fear it's for other reasons (i.e., gambling and free beer). I want to laugh, but I know I'll start crying if I do. This is all so foreign to me, the break up, loneliness, and shattered pieces of the past seven years scattered at my feet, and I'm absolutely scared out of my wits. This road I'm on is dark and lonely, the air around me dense and filled with shadows, and I want so much to turn and run back to the fork in the road I passed a while back. To run after her and beg her to stay. To hold on to something that is familiar and safe, even if it would mean settling and sacrificing my self yet again. Even if it meant going back to those empty eyes staring back at me and the intimate, loving touch I know will never come again. Sigh.
I can't. I won't. She's made up her mind, and so have I. We can't go back, not now and maybe not ever. I am saddened by this knowledge, but there is nothing that I can do to change what is and what can never be. I'm on this road alone, and I must accept my fate. I simply must.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost
The road ahead is daunting, but I must keep pressing onward. Maybe someday, everything will make sense.
Thursday, January 06, 2011
Lies
I found out that she's been lying to me...again. We're no longer together, but apparently things haven't changed. She's always keeping things from me, thinking I'm better off not knowing. She's wrong. I'd rather she told me up front instead of having me find out on my own. It's worse when I find things out on my own because I feel nothing but anger and betrayal. Sigh. This puts things in perspective, and I can honestly say at this moment that I'm relieved we're over. Unfortunately, we're still orbiting the same space for the time being for financial reasons. Breaking up is definitely hard to do.
Anyway, I've been trying hard not to think about her and our relationship, especially at work. Sometimes, my mind wanders to the past, when times were good; when we were together. A song plays on my Ipod and the memories come flooding in and I can hardly breathe. It hurts. It hurts knowing that it's all over after all the time and energy we invested in our relationship. It pains me that our home is broken and our life together has met an untimely end. It makes me cry when I think about our boys and the separation my family must soon endure. It angers me to think about everything we've created and built together, only to have it all come crashing down around us. And it frightens me that from here on out, I'll be on my own.
I'm not sure what I want. I know we can't go back to what we had, and I know I have nothing ahead to look forward to. I'm afraid. Afraid of what the future may hold for me, for her, for us. I'm afraid that I'll be alone forever. That I'll die alone.
I'm afraid that maybe there isn't something more to look forward to in life or someone out there waiting for me...
Anyway, I've been trying hard not to think about her and our relationship, especially at work. Sometimes, my mind wanders to the past, when times were good; when we were together. A song plays on my Ipod and the memories come flooding in and I can hardly breathe. It hurts. It hurts knowing that it's all over after all the time and energy we invested in our relationship. It pains me that our home is broken and our life together has met an untimely end. It makes me cry when I think about our boys and the separation my family must soon endure. It angers me to think about everything we've created and built together, only to have it all come crashing down around us. And it frightens me that from here on out, I'll be on my own.
I'm not sure what I want. I know we can't go back to what we had, and I know I have nothing ahead to look forward to. I'm afraid. Afraid of what the future may hold for me, for her, for us. I'm afraid that I'll be alone forever. That I'll die alone.
I'm afraid that maybe there isn't something more to look forward to in life or someone out there waiting for me...
You think that Luck
Has left you there.
But maybe there's nothing
Up in the sky but air.
And there's no mystical design,
No cosmic lover preassigned.
There's nothing you can find
That can not be found.
'Cause with all the changes
You've been through,
It seems the stranger's always you.
Alone again in some new
Wicked little town.
Has left you there.
But maybe there's nothing
Up in the sky but air.
And there's no mystical design,
No cosmic lover preassigned.
There's nothing you can find
That can not be found.
'Cause with all the changes
You've been through,
It seems the stranger's always you.
Alone again in some new
Wicked little town.
- "Wicked Little Town (Reprise)"
Hedwig and the Angry Inch
I want to believe that there's something more...I need to believe.
Sunday, January 02, 2011
Unraveling
I feel my life unraveling before my very eyes. I want her to stay, yet I need her to go. I can't mourn our end until she's truly out of my life. I haven't even allowed myself to cry. The tears start to gather in my eyes whenever I think of our life together and how it ended after seven years, but they refuse to fall. I can't even mourn this loss properly. Why? I suppose my pride refuses me to acknowledge the pain though my heart is battered and bruised. I gave her seven years of my life, and she was my first. I always thought she would be my last. I was wrong, and I don't know how I feel about that. The rational side of me believes this is right, that we had to come to an end because we aren't meant for each other, at least not the way we should be ideally. But the other side of me, the one that's afraid to envision life without her, wants desperately to hold on to what we had. I don't know if it's because I'm scared of being alone, of being thrust into the single life once again. Or maybe it's because I'm afraid of never seeing her face again. Though she wishes us to remain friends, I simply can't. I don't want to. It would be too hard on me to even try. It's over. We're over. She wanted this, and so do I. But how can I say goodbye to my lover, best friend, and soul mate of seven years? How can I possibly end that chapter in my life?
I never truly understood how difficult it could be to say goodbye.
I never truly understood how difficult it could be to say goodbye.
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