Lies

I found out that she's been lying to me...again.  We're no longer together, but apparently things haven't changed.  She's always keeping things from me, thinking I'm better off not knowing.  She's wrong.  I'd rather she told me up front instead of having me find out on my own.  It's worse when I find things out on my own because I feel nothing but anger and betrayal.  Sigh.  This puts things in perspective, and I can honestly say at this moment that I'm relieved we're over.  Unfortunately, we're still orbiting the same space for the time being for financial reasons.  Breaking up is definitely hard to do.

Anyway, I've been trying hard not to think about her and our relationship, especially at work.  Sometimes, my mind wanders to the past, when times were good; when we were together.  A song plays on my Ipod and the memories come flooding in and I can hardly breathe.  It hurts.  It hurts knowing that it's all over after all the time and energy we invested in our relationship.  It pains me that our home is broken and our life together has met an untimely end.  It makes me cry when I think about our boys and the separation my family must soon endure.  It angers me to think about everything we've created and built together, only to have it all come crashing down around us.  And it frightens me that from here on out, I'll be on my own.

I'm not sure what I want.  I know we can't go back to what we had, and I know I have nothing ahead to look forward to.  I'm afraid.  Afraid of what the future may hold for me, for her, for us.  I'm afraid that I'll be alone forever.  That I'll die alone.

I'm afraid that maybe there isn't something more to look forward to in life or someone out there waiting for me...

You think that Luck
Has left you there.
But maybe there's nothing
Up in the sky but air.

And there's no mystical design,
No cosmic lover preassigned.
There's nothing you can find
That can not be found.
'Cause with all the changes
You've been through,
It seems the stranger's always you.
Alone again in some new
Wicked little town.

- "Wicked Little Town (Reprise)"

Hedwig and the Angry Inch

I want to believe that there's something more...I need to believe.