On a Hedwig High

A dose of Hedwig and the Angry Inch was exactly what I needed to get out of the slump I've been in since the break up.  I'm so happy I could cry!  I haven't been this happy in ages, and I'm relishing every minute of it.  I'm on a Hedwig high!

As I mentioned in an earlier post, the last time I saw Hedwig on stage was on January 29, 2000 at the Jane Street Theatre in New York City.  I will always remember that particular performance because John Cameron Mitchell returned to the stage to play Hedwig that night.  Needless to say, it was a brilliant performance.  And tonight's performance was brilliant in its own right because it jogged memories of my life in NYC and it inspired me to embrace all that I am and all that I once loved, but somehow forgot as time went by.  Sigh.  I'm on a natural high, and I owe it all to Hedwig.

Why did I ever give up my passion and interests?  Why did I ever leave me behind?  Why did I lose myself in the hustle and bustle of everyday life?  Why did I compromise parts of me for a relationship that would never stand the test of time?  Why did I let myself go?  Why did I allow myself to die a little each day I wasn't true to myself?  Why did I live an inauthentic existence for so long?  Why, why, why?!?!?!

Sigh.  Never again will I give up parts of myself.  Never again will I lose myself.  Never again will I compromise my existence, my happiness, my wants, my needs.  Never again will I accept anything less than who and what I am.  Never again will I accept a warped version of myself reflected in someone else's eyes.  Never again...

Always remember who you are and embrace what makes you whole.  No half-truths, no compromises...

A Dose of Hedwig, a Shot of Brandi, and a Taste of Tabrett

I'm going to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch at The Onyx tonight, and I'm ecstatic about seeing this musical on stage again!  The last time I saw Hedwig was in NYC in 1999-2000 at the Jane Street Theatre.  Those were the days...sigh.

Yesterday's tragic events in Japan brought me to tears.  My prayers go out to those affected by the earthquake and tsunami.  I'm grateful that my family in Hawai'i are safe.

On a lighter note, thoughts do become things!  I desperately wanted to see Brandi Carlile in concert, and last night I discovered that she'll be performing at the Hard Rock in May!  Squee!   I'm absolutely thrilled!  She's a brilliant musician, and I can't wait to see her perform live!  *doing my happy dance*

That's another item I can cross off my bucket list...

Breathe feel love
Give free
Know in your soul
Like your blood knows the way
From your heart to your brain
Knows that you're whole

- "Midnight Radio"

Hedwig and the Angry Inch

P.S.  Tabrett Bethell has been cast in the new ABC series Poe, an investigative crime drama centered around famed author and poet Edgar Allan Poe.  SQUEEE!!!  Life keeps getting better and better!

Positive thoughts, positive actions, positive results!

Lies

I found out that she's been lying to me...again.  We're no longer together, but apparently things haven't changed.  She's always keeping things from me, thinking I'm better off not knowing.  She's wrong.  I'd rather she told me up front instead of having me find out on my own.  It's worse when I find things out on my own because I feel nothing but anger and betrayal.  Sigh.  This puts things in perspective, and I can honestly say at this moment that I'm relieved we're over.  Unfortunately, we're still orbiting the same space for the time being for financial reasons.  Breaking up is definitely hard to do.

Anyway, I've been trying hard not to think about her and our relationship, especially at work.  Sometimes, my mind wanders to the past, when times were good; when we were together.  A song plays on my Ipod and the memories come flooding in and I can hardly breathe.  It hurts.  It hurts knowing that it's all over after all the time and energy we invested in our relationship.  It pains me that our home is broken and our life together has met an untimely end.  It makes me cry when I think about our boys and the separation my family must soon endure.  It angers me to think about everything we've created and built together, only to have it all come crashing down around us.  And it frightens me that from here on out, I'll be on my own.

I'm not sure what I want.  I know we can't go back to what we had, and I know I have nothing ahead to look forward to.  I'm afraid.  Afraid of what the future may hold for me, for her, for us.  I'm afraid that I'll be alone forever.  That I'll die alone.

I'm afraid that maybe there isn't something more to look forward to in life or someone out there waiting for me...

You think that Luck
Has left you there.
But maybe there's nothing
Up in the sky but air.

And there's no mystical design,
No cosmic lover preassigned.
There's nothing you can find
That can not be found.
'Cause with all the changes
You've been through,
It seems the stranger's always you.
Alone again in some new
Wicked little town.

- "Wicked Little Town (Reprise)"

Hedwig and the Angry Inch

I want to believe that there's something more...I need to believe.