Unraveling

I feel my life unraveling before my very eyes.  I want her to stay, yet I need her to go.  I can't mourn our end until she's truly out of my life.  I haven't even allowed myself to cry.  The tears start to gather in my eyes whenever I think of our life together and how it ended after seven years, but they refuse to fall.  I can't even mourn this loss properly.  Why?  I suppose my pride refuses me to acknowledge the pain though my heart is battered and bruised.  I gave her seven years of my life, and she was my first.  I always thought she would be my last.  I was wrong, and I don't know how I feel about that.  The rational side of me believes this is right, that we had to come to an end because we aren't meant for each other, at least not the way we should be ideally.  But the other side of me, the one that's afraid to envision life without her, wants desperately to hold on to what we had.  I don't know if it's because I'm scared of being alone, of being thrust into the single life once again.  Or maybe it's because I'm afraid of never seeing her face again.  Though she wishes us to remain friends, I simply can't.  I don't want to.  It would be too hard on me to even try.  It's over.  We're over.  She wanted this, and so do I.  But how can I say goodbye to my lover, best friend, and soul mate of seven years?  How can I possibly end that chapter in my life?

I never truly understood how difficult it could be to say goodbye.