Oy Vey!

I woke up at 10:30 a.m. with an awful headache and neck pain. We really need a new bed or at the very least, new pillows. I fixed myself a bowl of cereal of the generic kind (thanks to frugal me, of course) and ate it for the sake of eating breakfast (er brunch?), and not because I really wanted to. I drank the leftover milk from the bowl and then searched the fridge for something...salty. There wasn't much to choose from, mostly leftovers. I eyed the barbecue beef sticks with hope that it would satisfy my need. It didn't, but what's new? I sat on the sofa and turned on the telly. I surfed for a while, but nothing appealed to me. So I got up and perused my pathetic DVD collection. I opted for a lesbian flick. Unfortunately, I chose Kissing Jessica Stein.

Kissing Jessica Stein annoyed me. Ironically, I used to love this film. Hence the reason why I own it. I don't know why I loved it. Granted, the actresses are beautiful, but the story is...annoying. I don't know how else to describe it. There were several things about the film that I never gave much thought to in the past, but which disgusted and angered me this time around. For example, Jessica's facial expression and body language after making love with Helen for the first time. She looked disgusted with what she had done. If I had just made love with a beautiful woman like Helen, I would not have that look on my face and would not have the urge to be anywhere but where I am. And upon watching the film this time around, I couldn't deny the fact that Jessica is so damn straight! Who was she kidding?! And who was I kidding in the past?! Her issues ran deeper than simply figuring out her sexual preference. Maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe I wanted the ending to be different with Jessica and Helen staying together and being in love with one another. Or maybe I'm too focused on GLBT issues to see the bigger picture. Sigh. I felt like Jessica could have saved everyone, including herself, a lot of heartbreak if she had simply been true to herself (i.e., a straight woman) and admitted that her love for Helen was a love between best friends. Kissing Jessica Stein is a film about a neurotic straight woman who takes a risk with the wrong person simply because it's the risk which has been building since...birth. She risks loving a woman and discovers that it's not so bad, if only she weren't so heterosexual. In the end, she learns how to be less neurotic (I hope), finds a new best friend in aforementioned female lover, and discovers men all over again. Oy vey!

Alas, the one great and endearing aspect about the film is the following quote from Letters to a Young Poet by one of my favorite writers, Rainer Maria Rilke:

For it is not inertia alone that causes the unspeakably monotonous and unrenewed human condition to repeat itself again and again. It is the aversion to anything new, any unpredictable experience, which is believed to be untenable.

After I cursed the film and put the DVD back in its place, I took a couple of pills to relieve my headache and pain. I downed the suckers with OJ, desperately wishing that I had some Vodka to make a screwdriver. I lay on the sofa and watched Matlock until BB came home. BB, my saving grace. She pampered me and massaged my neck. I'm feeling much better now.

I've been meaning to share my Top 5 female celebrities. Here goes:

1. Madonna
2. Jordana Brewster
3. Milla Jovovich
4. Piper Perabo
5. Rachel Shelley

At one point in time, Angelina Jolie ranked #2 on my list. But since her bitter remarks about Madonna, I bumped her down to #6. Furthermore, my Top 5 is a list of female celebrities who are exceptionally HOT in my opinion. Who's in your Top 5?

On a final note, I really don't have anything important to say which ties in with this post. I could tell you to never buy generic cereal brands or never watch a DVD you love while your head feels like it's about to explode. Or I could tell you to add Madonna to your Top 5. Hmm...

Add Madonna to your Top 5 list of exceptionally HOT female celebrities. Better yet, rank her #1. And...don't drink and drive.

Hillary Clinton in 2008

I am absolutely thrilled that Hillary Clinton is campaigning for U.S. President in 2008! I'm a lot more optimistic of our nation's future now that she's made her decision. I'm also optimistic that our nation has evolved immensely as the likes of Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama enter the race for the most powerful office in the United States. Although I'm backing Hillary Clinton all the way, I like what I've seen and heard from Barack Obama. Hillary v. Barack. This will be most interesting to watch as the campaign trail for the Democratic nomination unfolds. All I know is we need change. But we need a person competent enough to effect and enforce change in our country. I believe Hillary Clinton is that person. She has the political experience and a political agenda that works. Hillary Clinton in 2008!!!

You know, the winning ticket is Hillary Clinton as President and Barack Obama serving as her Vice President. Now that would be history in the making!!!

Change is good and long overdue. Hillary Clinton in 2008!

D.E.B.S.

If you haven't seen the film D.E.B.S., then I suggest that you hop on down to the nearest video store and rent it. OMG! D.E.B.S. is hilarious, heartwarming, and action-packed! It's about crime-fighting college girls on a mission for the US Government to capture a notorious villainess. I "ooohhhed" and "aaahhhed" when unexpected love blossomed between the D.E.B.S.' "perfect score" and the "devil" herself. I must say, the women of D.E.B.S. are beautiful and quite a wonderful sight for sore eyes! Sara Foster and Jordana Brewster together...need I say more?! Jordana Brewster is absolutely gorgeous! And her lip-sync of "A Little Respect" by Erasure (lyrics below) had me crushing and singing.

I've tried to discover

A little something to make me sweeter

Oh baby refrain from breaking my heart

I'm so in love with you

I'll be forever blue

That you give me no reason

Why you're making me work so hard

That you give me no

That you give me no

That you give me no

That you give me no

Soul, I hear you calling

Oh baby please, give a little respect to me

And if I should falter

Would you open your arms out to me?

We can make love, not war

And live at peace with our hearts

I'm so in love with you

I'll be forever blue

What religion or reason

Would drive a man to forsake his lover?

Don't you tell me no

Don't you tell me no

Don't you tell me no

Don't you tell me no

Soul, I hear you calling

Oh baby please, give a little respect to me

I'm so in love with you

I'll be forever blue

That you give me no reason

You know you're making me work so hard

That you give me no

That you give me no

That you give me no

That you give me no

Soul, I hear you calling

Oh baby please, give a little respect to me

Soul, I hear you calling

Oh baby please, give a little respect to me

Don't make the one you love work too hard for you.

I'll try to remember that the next time I make things difficult for BB.

The Return

Maggie's back. BAM is together once again. But for how long? Sigh. I can't believe that Maggie cheated on Bianca. But then I couldn't believe that Bianca would have sex with someone she wasn't in love with. Someone other than Maggie. And what about this Zarf character? Will Zarf and Bianca become one, as their storyline initially indicated, thereby merging them into Barf? Ugh. I'm thrilled about the return and that Maggie wants Bianca back. But will Bianca forgive her? Will BAM reunite? As an avid fan, I sure as hell hope so! Long live BAM!

Speaking of the return, Jacob and I got together yesterday for a dose of "coffee talk." I was taken aback when he called with an invitation to come together. I wholeheartedly accepted and met him at a bookstore cafe. We caught up with eachother's lives and shared insightful information about our personal feelings and desires in life. We tried to recapture the intense conversations we had in the past, but the intensity was as bland as English food. We've both changed so much. At least I know that I've changed. I'm no longer the angst-driven person full of doubt and afraid of disappointments. I've had my fair share of disappointments, and I've learned to acknowledge and accept them. It wasn't easy and it still isn't, but I know what my priorities are and have a newfound perspective on life.

Jacob, on the other hand, continues to question his past choices and his purpose in life. He mentioned that he needed to get away from Lucas and the kids and that he regrets buying the home he shares with Lucas. He regrets the purchase because money is tight, thereby preventing him from traveling. He shared with me his passion for traveling and maintains hope in someday becoming the world traveler that he always wanted to be. Jacob also regrets leaving the military because now he feels as if he has no purpose. Finally, he stated that his actions are done to impress others and not necessarily done for himself. I didn't know what to say to him. He wasn't as happy as he'd previously led me to believe, and I felt sorry for him.

I also felt that Jacob wanted me to be as miserable as he was so there would be proof that what he's going through is OK. He kept asking me questions, wanting the inside dirt on my personal and professional life. In the past, I would have picked this very moment to complain about anything and everything. This time, I didn't. I didn't have a single thing on my mind which I needed to vent about. Instead, I told him the truth. The truth is I'm happy and content. And although I've made mistakes in the past, I have no regrets as to what I've done, where I've been, and who I am. Every moment of my life has led me to where I am and made me who I am today. I've grown up, figured out my priorities, faced my demons, accepted my successes and failures, and discovered a different perspective on life. Jacob looked at me dumbfounded, unbelieving. I didn't care whether he believed me or not. What I did care about is making Jacob believe that he could be just as happy and content. I advised him to seek that which will make him happy, not that which would make others happy. I told him to look within to find happiness and peace. I said that the years are wearing on and that he must choose his battles wisely and understand that sacrifices must be made. I tried to make him understand that it's OK to have these questions, but that he must know how to find and accept the answers. I didn't want to blatantly tell him that maybe the reason why he's so full of doubt, disappointments, and regret is because he is unhappy with Lucas and the life they share. I needed him to figure that out on his own. I could tell from his actions that he wants out and needs to be free. All the signs are there, but Jacob's either in denial or afraid to break Lucas' heart. I hope and pray that he finds what it is he's searching for and peace of mind.

Be true to yourself and everything that's falling apart will soon fall into place.

A New Year

Happy New Year! I know, I'm a bit late. But better late than never, right? I've been meaning to post, but I simply couldn't find the stamina. Here goes...

BB and I welcomed in 2007 without much fanfare. We had dinner with Quinn on New Year's Eve and then parted ways. Quinn joined the masses to ring in the new year, and BB and I rang in the new year in the comfort (and warmth) of our home. We filled our pockets with money and opened each and every drawer, cupboard, and closet in our home to allow the bad spirits to leave, thereby allowing the new (and good) spirits to enter our home. It's a family and cultural tradition. We jumped up and down with joy, jingled the coins in our pockets, and shared a lovely kiss as the clock struck midnight. As the saying goes, you'll spend the new year with the person you're spending New Year's Eve/Day with. BB and I together for another year and I pray for many years to come. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I believe I'm off to a good start this year. My New Year's resolutions are to eat healthy, be fit, and abstain from negativity. You see, 2007 will be a momentous year for BB and I. It will be a defining and life-altering year. BB and I plan to have a civil union and to start our family this year. Thus, my New Year's resolutions are not simply self-benefiting, but are in preparation for our baby, our family, and our life together.

The great thing so far about 2007 is family. Quinn and I are on good terms. In fact, he's moving in with us so we can all save money this year; he wants to pay off his credit card debt and we want to financially prepare for our family. Furthermore, my family back home is supportive of BB and I and of our civil union and family plans. Our friends (at least the ones who know) are also supportive and thrilled about our impending plans. Finally, BB and I are very much in love and absolutely dedicated and anticipating our nuptials and the start of our own family.

Sigh. I'm happy. I'm peaceful. I'm grateful. And I owe everything I have and everything I am to our Lord.

2007...another year, another chance. Make the most of this year and of the years to come. Enjoy life and love every breathing moment. There is much to be thankful for and to live for. Simply open your eyes and your heart. Simply believe that anything's possible. Happy New Year!

Merry Merry Christmas!

BB and I ate at Denny's for breakfast and then picked up a couple of DVDs from Blockbuster. That was how we spent our Christmas. It is, by far, the best Christmas we've had. Why? Because we're together and in love. And because my special gift from BB had me screaming for more. Ahem! Need I elaborate?! Buy the book!

Quinn's spending Christmas back home with the family. Last I heard, they found his box but have yet to find his luggage. I'd be fuming mad. I hope they find his luggage BEFORE he leaves on December 28. How awful.

Jacob and Lucas called to wish BB and I a Merry Christmas. They were making mimosas (sp?). What the hell is a mimosa?

BB's in bed, and I'm about to publish this post. All is quiet. Peaceful. The way it should be.

May the holidays fill you and yours with warmth, love, happiness, and peace.

I know, I know. I promised you a Christmas photo. Here's a close-up of our tree. Enjoy!

Merry Christmas!

Just wanted to wish you all a Merry Christmas before BB and I head out for breakfast. I shall write more and possibly even post a Christmas photo upon my return. Happy Holidays!

Amends

My brother and I have made amends. He called me the day after "the fight" to apologize. He said what he said in anger and he didn't mean it. I apologized in return. We plan to spend more time with eachother in the new year. I'm happy that I have him back.

Sabrina gave me the following quiz to be completed with the aid of an MP3 player. Play along with me, will you?

First, put your MP3 player on shuffle and then hit play. Write the first song that plays in the first category below, skip to the next song and note that song in the second category, and so on and so forth. Each song represents the respective category in your life story. Here goes...

1. Opening Credits: "Take a Bow" by Madonna
2. Waking Up: "One Day More!" from the musical Les Miserables
3. First Day of School: "My Strongest Suit" from the musical AIDA
4. Work: "The Worst Pies in London" from the musical Sweeney Todd
5. Falling in Love: "For Good" from the musical Wicked
6. Fight Song: "Green Finch and Linnet Bird" from the musical Sweeney Todd
7. Break-Up Song: "Swim" by Madonna
8. Prom: "This Is How I Disappear" by My Chemical Romance
9. Life: "Not While I'm Around" from the musical Sweeney Todd
10. Mental Breakdown: "Tune Up #2" from the musical RENT
11. Driving: "The Heart of Life" by John Mayer
12. Flashback: "No Place Like London" from the musical Sweeney Todd
13. Getting Back Together: "La Vie Boheme B" from the musical RENT
14. Wedding: "Thank You For The Music" from the musical Mama Mia!
15. Birth of a Child: "Money, Money, Money" from the musical Mama Mia!
16. Final Battle: "Knowing Me, Knowing You" from the musical Mama Mia!
17. Death Scene: "The Ballad of John and Yoko" from the Beatles 1
18. Funeral Song: "Lonely Room" from the musical Oklahoma!
19. Ending Credits: "Hello, Goodbye" from the Beatles 1

Some of the songs in my category don't make sense, and yet there are several that make absolute sense. I laughed at my results. I have several musicals in my MP3 player. And I have a lot of Madonna songs. I'm disappointed that Madonna didn't pop up more often. However, I'm glad that my opening credits feature Madonna's "Take a Bow."

Have fun and make your life story memorable.

Out of My Life

My brother and I had the worst fight tonight. And I think this may be our last fight ever. You see, I'm respecting his wishes and acknowledging my own. He said "I want you out of my life!" over and over again. At first, I reacted in anger. He yelled, I yelled. We both expressed our frustrations, disappointments, and anger with one another. We both cried. We both yelled until we could no longer hear the other person. We hung up on eachother. He called back several minutes later. To my surprise, we were both calm. But we were both determined. You see, we were both right. And yet, we were both wrong. I blame him. He blames me. There's no going back now. This wasn't one of our usual spats. We both knew deep down that we couldn't bounce back from this fight. He said "I want you out of my life" again. And I said that the feeling was mutual. I didn't fight this time. I didn't argue or explain my point of view. I didn't make an effort to patch things up. We both knew this was coming. We both knew that we had changed. Much more than we cared to admit and more so than we wanted. As such, I'm respecting my brother's wish to sever all ties. Although I'm angry, sad, and disappointed, I find myself somewhat relieved. We are bad for eachother. And being in eachother's life would only foster hatred and spite. I love my brother, and I don't want to hate him. He's the only sibling I have. If this is the only way to save what's left of our relationship, then so be it. I cried. I cried for him. I cried for me. I cried for us. I cried for the way we used to be and how much we used to mean to eachother. I cried for our past, present, and future. I cried, and I still cry. He's my brother, for God's sake! I love him, and I'll respect his wishes. And despite all that transpired tonight, I wish only the best for him. I hope and pray that he is blessed with happiness, love, success, and most of all, peace of mind.

Letting go of a loved one is the hardest thing to do. But you need to believe that something good will come out of a disheartening situation.

Reversion and Redemption

I've done it. I've reverted back to my youth. How? By succumbing to peer pressure and watching "Degrassi: The Next Generation." Ugh. Don't tell me. I know. But I can't help it. It's addicting. I'm an addict. A bona fide Degrassi addict. Remember the original Degrassi? It used to be on PBS. I remember Joey Jeremiah with his awful fedora and a very pregnant and troubled Spike. I remember. I know. How awful. But I loved the original. And now I'm loving TNG. Go ahead. Judge me. LoL

BB bought me a Christmas tree last week. It was a surprise. After all the whining about wanting a Christmas tree, she bought it while I was at work and then texted me a photo of it. Needless to say, I was surprised and extremely happy. I beamed and showed my tree off to my friends at work. I called BB to thank her and to tell her how much I love her. I didn't believe that I could be any more in love with my BB. But I am.

I've reconnected with my family. Our relationship has been non-existent for the past year. I can tell you that "out of sight, out of mind" works, but that's not really why I haven't talked with my family in so long. I believe the reason why is I have this fear that I'm being judged by my family and that they perceive me as a failure. I know this stems from my own insecurity, and I'm trying hard to overcome it. That's why I've decided to reconnect with my family. I need to believe that they love and support me no matter what. There may be some who do and some who don't. But it doesn't matter whether they do or don't or what they may or may not think of me. I need to believe in myself and stand up for what's right for me. It's the only way for me to move on and to be happy. It's the only way for me to redeem my life.

Tomorrow is our Holiday Christmas Party at work. I participated in the Secret Santa gift-sharing game. I hope that I receive what I asked for (a Walmart or Target gift card). We're having a full-course meal and some karaoke for entertainment. I may work up the courage and sing a song. FAME! LoL

I have Madonna's "Jump" on repeat. I love this song! MADONNA IS A GENIUS!

I'm currently reading Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre. I've been meaning to read this book since college, but could never get around to it. I've read several chapters already, and I'm impressed by how much I enjoy it. I highly recommend this book, as well as Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte. Now that's a deep, dark, and emotion-filled masterpiece.

Patch up your life. It's the only way to happiness. It's the only one you have.

Thanksgiving Confessions

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving started off with a bang this year. For me, the Thanksgiving holiday began the night before as I watched Madonna's Confessions Tour on NBC. What a way to start the holiday season! Now you know how much I LOVE Madonna, so you can guess how much I enjoyed this special programming. However, I absolutely shunned NBC's decision to censor the crucifixion scene. Give me a fricking break! MADONNA rules!

On to Thanksgiving Day. BB made the best Thanksgiving feast ever! She cooked a 14lb turkey, stuffing with green beans, mashed potatoes, gravy, and sweet corn. We also had sweet rolls and pumpkin pie with whipped cream. Yummy! We spent the day watching DVDs and drinking red wine. Pure relaxation.

I'm thankful for so many things. I'm thankful for life, for love, and for everything I have. I'm thankful to have BB in my life. I'm thankful for my family and friends. I'm thankful for being employed. I'm thankful for a roof over my head, food to eat, and clothes on my back. I'm thankful for all of God's blessings.

Be thankful.

Sunday Reading

I completed Persuasion by Jane Austen this morning. I rather enjoyed it. And now I'm on a Jane Austen fix. I've requested Persuasion on DVD, along with Emma, Sense and Sensibility, and Mansfield Park, from my local library (I can't stop praising the genius that is the public library!). I recently saw the Keira Knightley version of Pride and Prejudice and have read all of Jane Austen's books with exception to Sanditon and Other Stories. Unfortunately, Northanger Abbey is not on DVD, or if it is, my local library doesn't carry it (phoo!).

I've discovered a new author, Poppy Z. Brite, on my last trek to the library. Her book, Plastic Jesus initially caught my eye because it wielded the PRIDE colors on its binding. I'm quite partial to gay and lesbian literature given my circumstance. I'm also apt to give any book of that genre the benefit of the doubt simply because there are so few books of the like to begin with. Needless to say, I'm glad this book caught my eye. I'm not great with describing books I've read because I seldom do them any justice. Simply take my word for it that Plastic Jesus is worth a read and that Poppy Z. Brite's writing is unique, to say the least.

I also picked up the following books, which I have yet to read: Crow Lake by Mary Lawson, Hedwig and Berti by Frieda Arkin, Not Ready For Prime Time by Brent Askari, and The Testimony of Taliesin Jones by Rhidian Brook.

BB called me this morning. She's out and about with her sister and nieces in St. Augustine. I miss her so much. Too much for my own good, I think. But this is love, right? BB returns on Tuesday, and life can go back to normal then. Seems like Florida is the most likely place we'll settle and start our family. I know, Florida is too conservative and anti-GLBT. But as an attorney, I know how to secure and ensure our family's interests, legal or otherwise.

Take the time from your hectic life to open a book. The possibilities that come with reading are limitless. Also, tolerance and acceptance of eachother's differences are keys to a better world.

The Elusive Burger Found!

You'll never guess what I found without even looking. I found "it" or at least it's "it" until something bigger and better turns up. So I'm flying solo this week what w/BB out of town. I don't cook unless I absolutely have to, and there's nothing at home to eat. I head out to this place near the condo that just opened called Ma Barker's, which sells sliders, burgers, hotdogs, fish and chips, etc. It's my first time there, and I tell the cashier I want to try "Ma's Monster Burger." There's a line behind me and the place is packed. I'm amazed at how popular this place is. My order takes a little longer than expected, but the cashier apologizes and offers me coupons for my next visit and a Ma Barker button (which I'm now tempted to add to my collection). My order finally arrives, and I head home. I get comfortable in front of the TV and open the plastic bag. There are two "to-go" plates in the bag. I think 'now that's a waste' (of a plate). Why couldn't they simply add the fries with the burger? I open the first plate and discover that it's filled with fries. A whole lot of fries! Enough to feed a family of four and the family pets! I'm impressed, to say the least. Then I open the second plate and discover a real treasure. 'OMG!' and 'WTF?!' escape my mouth and run through my head. Are my eyes deceiving me?! Can this really be true?! It is real! It's the elusive burger that I've been trying so hard to find! It's the BIG one! The biggest one I've seen with my own eyes and held in my very hands thus far. OMG! It's so...HUGE! I don't know what to do! I call BB and tell her what I've found. She laughs, but most importantly, she believes me. Then I take several pictures of "it" with my cell phone camera (because BB took the digital camera with her). I take a lot of shots, some with me and the burger and some with the burger and other things to illustrate its immaculate size. LMAO! My heart swells, and I'm too excited to eat it. How can I eat it now that I've finally found it? In the end, my hunger wins and I eat half of the monstrosity. I barely dent the fries. I've finally found it. The elusive burger. Now I need to find others like it, but only bigger and better. Until then, I'll keep dreaming. This story only proves that dreams really do come true!

Never stop dreaming. In due time, your dreams will come true. I found the elusive burger and so can you!

Oh Brother

Why do I let my brother get to me? Why do I give him that power over me? He's the only one who can make me feel so small, so insignificant. He's quick to point out my flaws, and no matter how I deflect his painful words, they somehow pierce my armor and my heart. It's always been this way. He's always been the good son, the one who never makes a mistake that can't easily be forgotten. He's always gotten away with so many things. He claims he's changed, that he's not the spoiled child he once was. When he says he's changed, then he's changed. But when I say I've changed, that I'm no longer the defensive and negative person I once was, he says that acknowledging one's problem isn't the same as changing. Granted, I have a lot of changing to do, but at least I know what's wrong and I know what I must do to change the way I am. I believe that I've changed in that respect. I'm trying not to be that person I once was, the one who pushed others away and ran from my problems. I stand here now facing my problems head on and am making an effort to reconnect with my family. I want to change. I need to change because the person I am or once was is bad for my soul. Yet, everytime I talk with my brother, he points out my flaws, the same ones I've been trying to rectify. The very ones that I'm trying to fix and the ones I've already mended. He doesn't see this in me or fails to acknowledge this. He's so quick to shoot me down, and I let him. I let him get to me, even when I know I shouldn't. It doesn't matter what he thinks of me. It doesn't matter what he says. I know that I can never please him. In his eyes, I can never be good. I've disappointed him time and time again that it's expected of me. And thus I've come to a conclusion that my brother's part of the problem I face. He's part of the reason why I continually doubt myself and why I can't get ahead. I let him matter too much to me. I think too highly of his opinion. He's not God. He's not even Superman. He's just human. He's just my little brother. I need to stop this cycle of emotional abuse. I need to stop him from hurting me. I need to stop caring about what he thinks and what he says. I don't want to hate my brother. After all, he's the only sibling I've got. And 'hate' is such a harsh word. But I can't be around him for fear that he will impede my progress. When I'm around him, I feel so awful about myself. He reminds me of all the bad feelings I used to have about myself and still do. I love my brother, but if it comes down to him or me, I'm going to choose my own salvation.

In order to solve a problem, one must determine which factors are part of the equation. Only then can one successfully resolve the issue and move forward.

Trust, Faith, and Belief

A lot has happened since my last post. I thought about taking a breather from my life to write, but I couldn't find the time or simply couldn't bring myself to dish the latest news. I made a difficult decision a couple of weeks ago, and now I'm waiting for the results. I know this is awfully vague, but I can't write about it. All I can tell you is I've put aside my petty thoughts on life and am determined to overcome this obstacle I currently face. I've entrusted my life in God's hands and have faith that everything will be alright. I tell myself over and over again to believe that everything's going to work out in my favor. And it will.

I wish I had the sense to make better decisions in the past. I wish I could have planned better for my future and been more sensible about things. There are so many things in my past that I regret and have passed the blame on to so many others. The truth is I'm to blame for my own decisions. Ultimately, the choices were mine to make. And that I did, whether I like it or not. So now I accept responsibility for my actions and am trying to live with how my life turned out. It's not pretty, but it's not so bad either. Maybe I'm finally growing up, accepting responsibility and facing my problems head on for a change. No running away this time. I'm too tired to run. And I've figured out that no matter how hard and far I run, the same problems will always be there unless I face my reality. So here I am, facing my demons. It's a start in the right direction. A promising start to a future that doesn't look as bleak as it once was.

There's a lot of changing I need to do, but I feel like a heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I can breathe again. As if I'm coming up for air after drowning for so long. Sigh.

BB's off to visit her family on Wednesday. I'm missing her already. This will be our first time apart since she moved here to be with me. But I'm happy that she's visiting her family. She misses her nieces very much, especially during the holidays. Seeing them again will make her very happy. And I'm happy when she's happy. That's all I want for BB. For her to be happy. Her happiness means so much to me.

If you want to sleep peacefully at night, put your trust and faith in the Lord (or higher power) and believe that things will be better than they are.

NCOD 2006

BB and I participated in the National Coming Out Day (NCOD) festivities this weekend. We danced the night away on Friday and enjoyed ourselves at the NCOD street festival on Saturday night. I felt so proud to be out on the town with my woman, walking hand in hand without fear. It felt liberating to be "out" for a change without inhibitions. And it felt great to see so many people, GLBT and straight alike, celebrating our day with rainbow flare. We're definitely HERE, absolutely QUEER, and PROUD!

We're here! We're queer! GET USED TO IT!!!

Neurotic

I have this shirt. It's a nice dark green shade. And in blazing yellow the word "neurotic" appears on the front of this shirt. Underneath the blazing yellow word are the words "on caffeine" in fine print. It's an amazing shirt. I loved it the first time I saw it. I love the feel of it. I love the look of it. I love the truth of it.

You see, I am neurotic. I do and say things that are absolutely neurotic. So neurotic I even scare myself at times. Imagine how scared and angry BB is when I get this way. Neurotic. Not on caffeine, however. Just neurotic. I don't know why or how. I just am.

Maybe it's insecurity lurking just beneath my skin. Waiting. Simply waiting until the perfect time to jump out. To scare someone, everyone. To have people wonder 'WTF?!' To go through this phase every now and then. More often than not. When others least expect it. When I'm out of it. When I can't take it anymore. Take anything that even remotely pushes me over the edge. That person who failed to look at me and smile. That one who talks to me condescendingly. Those people who are so incompetent. That imbecile who's giving me orders. That jerk who failed to remember my name. That asshole with the smirk on his face. That girl who ordered chili cheese fries and still looks good. That woman I love who's going home in November for a week. Without me. To visit her family. To reconnect with her friends. The friends who somehow anger me even though we've never met. The very ones who send me into paranoia. The friends who seem to threaten my relationship. The ones who make me think horrible thoughts about my relationship with BB. The kind of thoughts ignited by their mere presence and/or actions and fueled by my insecurities. Insecurities which turn me bitter and cold. Insecurities which turn me into the green neurotic monster that I am. The female Hulk.

It's awful when I get this way. I say and do things that I shouldn't. I hurt the ones I love. I turn them from me. I almost enjoy hurting them. I find some sweet pleasure in all this. Knowing that I can control the happiness and pain they feel. Borderline abuse. Abuse. I'm sick. I need help. The cycle needs to stop. I need to stop. Stop before someone is seriously hurt and there's no turning back.

Insecurities bring out the monster in a person. Overcome your insecurities, conquer the monster within, and take back your life.

In Debt

The other night, I stumbled upon an interesting blog on debt. I usually cringe when I hear the phone ring. You see, I'm drowning in debt. Student-loan debt, among others. Ugh. After determining what monthly amount I can afford to pay on my student loans and a few calculations here and there, I've come to the following results:

1. To pay off my government loans, I must pay at least $410 a month for the next 80 years.
2. To pay off my private loans, I must pay at least $200 a month for the next 9 years.
3. To pay off my Perkins Loan, I must pay at least $100 a month for the next 8 years.

Sigh. This is absolutely depressing. I should just suck it up, put on my best suit, and practice law. If I were absolutely sure that I'd enjoy that path and prosper mentally and financially, I would do just that. However, from past experience, I know that path would only lead me to self-destruction. The loathing I'd no doubt feel for my work, my colleagues, and myself would posion me. The inauthenticity plaguing my work, my actions, and my soul would kill me. I'd possibly have another mental breakdown. But this time, there would be no bouncing back from it.

I've made a lot of mistakes in the past, all of which have led me to who and where I am today. I like the person I am today and the environment I'm in. Prestige is virutally non-existent, but my sanity and soul are in tact.

In conclusion, I'll be in debt until I'm 110 years old. That is, assuming I live that long.

Knowledge is power. But to what extent would you sell your soul to the devil?

The Universe, "The Do", and Other Things

Something out of the ordinary happened last night, after I signed off blogger and jumped into bed. BB and I did "the do." It was great! We were great! Wow. I miss having her so close to me in that particular way. And after my rant on blogger last night about our lack of intimacy and the events which followed (i.e., "the do"), I now believe the saying that if you put yourself and your thoughts out into the universe, things will happen. It will happen. It did happen, and I've got this great, big smile on my face to prove it!

Anyway, I made my weekly trek to the library this morning. I borrowed several DVDS: "Capote," "Sideways" "Derailed," "A History of Violence," "The Constant Gardener," and "The Brothers Grimm." Who needs Netflix when you can borrow great DVDs from your local library for FREE?! I also picked up The L Word: The Second Season CD, which I'm currently listening to. It's good, but I'm biased. I can't wait to see the third season on DVD. Yup. I'm one of those suckers who does not have cable. I suck. In more ways than one, actually. Ahem! I'm still thinking about last night. And what a night it was!! Alas, I digress. Finally, I found the following books to add to my collection of books read in my lifetime: The Genius of the Sea by Naeem Murr, Village of a Million Spirits by Ian MacMillan, and Pages for You by Sylvia Brownrigg.

Get out and do something out of the ordinary!

She's Back!

This is going to sound pathetic, but I can't help it! Eden Riegel is reprising her role as Bianca Montgomery on "All My Children" in October! Yes! You heard me! Bianca is returning to Pine Valley. I'm ecstatic! Very much so I had to post this wonderful news within hours of my last posting! Talk about something refreshing. Something good to look forward to. I admit that I've stopped watching "All My Children" regularly after Bianca and Maggie (Elizabeth Hendrickson) left for Paris. I used to enjoy watching their budding romance. Although Bianca and Maggie were never officially a couple, their departing scene alluded to the fact that something was definitely there between them and that this move to Paris would definitely lead them somewhere beyond mere friendship.

I've missed BAM. On a whim, I thought I'd check out BAM, the official site. Unfortunately, it's no longer up. However, my search for BAM led me to YouTube.com, where I found countless BAM videos. I watched as much as I could and reminisced of happier times. Then I stumbled upon the wonderful news that Eden Riegal is returning to "All My Children." Amidst my happiness at this news, I thought about Elizabeth Hendrickson and whether she would also return and reprise her role as Maggie Stone. I frantically searched the net, but found no such news. Instead it seems she's made a name of herself in L.A., making the rounds on various primetime shows. I'm happy for her and wish her all the best. But deep down, I hope that she'll return to "All My Children." It simply won't be the same if she doesn't. I couldn't picture Bianca with anyone else other than Maggie. Sigh. I guess I have to tune in to find out.