Neurotic

I have this shirt. It's a nice dark green shade. And in blazing yellow the word "neurotic" appears on the front of this shirt. Underneath the blazing yellow word are the words "on caffeine" in fine print. It's an amazing shirt. I loved it the first time I saw it. I love the feel of it. I love the look of it. I love the truth of it.

You see, I am neurotic. I do and say things that are absolutely neurotic. So neurotic I even scare myself at times. Imagine how scared and angry BB is when I get this way. Neurotic. Not on caffeine, however. Just neurotic. I don't know why or how. I just am.

Maybe it's insecurity lurking just beneath my skin. Waiting. Simply waiting until the perfect time to jump out. To scare someone, everyone. To have people wonder 'WTF?!' To go through this phase every now and then. More often than not. When others least expect it. When I'm out of it. When I can't take it anymore. Take anything that even remotely pushes me over the edge. That person who failed to look at me and smile. That one who talks to me condescendingly. Those people who are so incompetent. That imbecile who's giving me orders. That jerk who failed to remember my name. That asshole with the smirk on his face. That girl who ordered chili cheese fries and still looks good. That woman I love who's going home in November for a week. Without me. To visit her family. To reconnect with her friends. The friends who somehow anger me even though we've never met. The very ones who send me into paranoia. The friends who seem to threaten my relationship. The ones who make me think horrible thoughts about my relationship with BB. The kind of thoughts ignited by their mere presence and/or actions and fueled by my insecurities. Insecurities which turn me bitter and cold. Insecurities which turn me into the green neurotic monster that I am. The female Hulk.

It's awful when I get this way. I say and do things that I shouldn't. I hurt the ones I love. I turn them from me. I almost enjoy hurting them. I find some sweet pleasure in all this. Knowing that I can control the happiness and pain they feel. Borderline abuse. Abuse. I'm sick. I need help. The cycle needs to stop. I need to stop. Stop before someone is seriously hurt and there's no turning back.

Insecurities bring out the monster in a person. Overcome your insecurities, conquer the monster within, and take back your life.