NCOD 2006

BB and I participated in the National Coming Out Day (NCOD) festivities this weekend. We danced the night away on Friday and enjoyed ourselves at the NCOD street festival on Saturday night. I felt so proud to be out on the town with my woman, walking hand in hand without fear. It felt liberating to be "out" for a change without inhibitions. And it felt great to see so many people, GLBT and straight alike, celebrating our day with rainbow flare. We're definitely HERE, absolutely QUEER, and PROUD!

We're here! We're queer! GET USED TO IT!!!

Neurotic

I have this shirt. It's a nice dark green shade. And in blazing yellow the word "neurotic" appears on the front of this shirt. Underneath the blazing yellow word are the words "on caffeine" in fine print. It's an amazing shirt. I loved it the first time I saw it. I love the feel of it. I love the look of it. I love the truth of it.

You see, I am neurotic. I do and say things that are absolutely neurotic. So neurotic I even scare myself at times. Imagine how scared and angry BB is when I get this way. Neurotic. Not on caffeine, however. Just neurotic. I don't know why or how. I just am.

Maybe it's insecurity lurking just beneath my skin. Waiting. Simply waiting until the perfect time to jump out. To scare someone, everyone. To have people wonder 'WTF?!' To go through this phase every now and then. More often than not. When others least expect it. When I'm out of it. When I can't take it anymore. Take anything that even remotely pushes me over the edge. That person who failed to look at me and smile. That one who talks to me condescendingly. Those people who are so incompetent. That imbecile who's giving me orders. That jerk who failed to remember my name. That asshole with the smirk on his face. That girl who ordered chili cheese fries and still looks good. That woman I love who's going home in November for a week. Without me. To visit her family. To reconnect with her friends. The friends who somehow anger me even though we've never met. The very ones who send me into paranoia. The friends who seem to threaten my relationship. The ones who make me think horrible thoughts about my relationship with BB. The kind of thoughts ignited by their mere presence and/or actions and fueled by my insecurities. Insecurities which turn me bitter and cold. Insecurities which turn me into the green neurotic monster that I am. The female Hulk.

It's awful when I get this way. I say and do things that I shouldn't. I hurt the ones I love. I turn them from me. I almost enjoy hurting them. I find some sweet pleasure in all this. Knowing that I can control the happiness and pain they feel. Borderline abuse. Abuse. I'm sick. I need help. The cycle needs to stop. I need to stop. Stop before someone is seriously hurt and there's no turning back.

Insecurities bring out the monster in a person. Overcome your insecurities, conquer the monster within, and take back your life.

In Debt

The other night, I stumbled upon an interesting blog on debt. I usually cringe when I hear the phone ring. You see, I'm drowning in debt. Student-loan debt, among others. Ugh. After determining what monthly amount I can afford to pay on my student loans and a few calculations here and there, I've come to the following results:

1. To pay off my government loans, I must pay at least $410 a month for the next 80 years.
2. To pay off my private loans, I must pay at least $200 a month for the next 9 years.
3. To pay off my Perkins Loan, I must pay at least $100 a month for the next 8 years.

Sigh. This is absolutely depressing. I should just suck it up, put on my best suit, and practice law. If I were absolutely sure that I'd enjoy that path and prosper mentally and financially, I would do just that. However, from past experience, I know that path would only lead me to self-destruction. The loathing I'd no doubt feel for my work, my colleagues, and myself would posion me. The inauthenticity plaguing my work, my actions, and my soul would kill me. I'd possibly have another mental breakdown. But this time, there would be no bouncing back from it.

I've made a lot of mistakes in the past, all of which have led me to who and where I am today. I like the person I am today and the environment I'm in. Prestige is virutally non-existent, but my sanity and soul are in tact.

In conclusion, I'll be in debt until I'm 110 years old. That is, assuming I live that long.

Knowledge is power. But to what extent would you sell your soul to the devil?

The Universe, "The Do", and Other Things

Something out of the ordinary happened last night, after I signed off blogger and jumped into bed. BB and I did "the do." It was great! We were great! Wow. I miss having her so close to me in that particular way. And after my rant on blogger last night about our lack of intimacy and the events which followed (i.e., "the do"), I now believe the saying that if you put yourself and your thoughts out into the universe, things will happen. It will happen. It did happen, and I've got this great, big smile on my face to prove it!

Anyway, I made my weekly trek to the library this morning. I borrowed several DVDS: "Capote," "Sideways" "Derailed," "A History of Violence," "The Constant Gardener," and "The Brothers Grimm." Who needs Netflix when you can borrow great DVDs from your local library for FREE?! I also picked up The L Word: The Second Season CD, which I'm currently listening to. It's good, but I'm biased. I can't wait to see the third season on DVD. Yup. I'm one of those suckers who does not have cable. I suck. In more ways than one, actually. Ahem! I'm still thinking about last night. And what a night it was!! Alas, I digress. Finally, I found the following books to add to my collection of books read in my lifetime: The Genius of the Sea by Naeem Murr, Village of a Million Spirits by Ian MacMillan, and Pages for You by Sylvia Brownrigg.

Get out and do something out of the ordinary!

She's Back!

This is going to sound pathetic, but I can't help it! Eden Riegel is reprising her role as Bianca Montgomery on "All My Children" in October! Yes! You heard me! Bianca is returning to Pine Valley. I'm ecstatic! Very much so I had to post this wonderful news within hours of my last posting! Talk about something refreshing. Something good to look forward to. I admit that I've stopped watching "All My Children" regularly after Bianca and Maggie (Elizabeth Hendrickson) left for Paris. I used to enjoy watching their budding romance. Although Bianca and Maggie were never officially a couple, their departing scene alluded to the fact that something was definitely there between them and that this move to Paris would definitely lead them somewhere beyond mere friendship.

I've missed BAM. On a whim, I thought I'd check out BAM, the official site. Unfortunately, it's no longer up. However, my search for BAM led me to YouTube.com, where I found countless BAM videos. I watched as much as I could and reminisced of happier times. Then I stumbled upon the wonderful news that Eden Riegal is returning to "All My Children." Amidst my happiness at this news, I thought about Elizabeth Hendrickson and whether she would also return and reprise her role as Maggie Stone. I frantically searched the net, but found no such news. Instead it seems she's made a name of herself in L.A., making the rounds on various primetime shows. I'm happy for her and wish her all the best. But deep down, I hope that she'll return to "All My Children." It simply won't be the same if she doesn't. I couldn't picture Bianca with anyone else other than Maggie. Sigh. I guess I have to tune in to find out.

Standstill (Yet Again)

I tried, and I thought I had succeeded. But I guess I was wrong. Remember my plans to meet with Jacob over breakfast? I called him a couple of days before the event to confirm the time and place, and he answered with a baffled "what?" Yup. He absolutely forgot. This is what I'm dealing with. Now you wonder why things went sour in the first place. To make matters worse, Jacob said he couldn't make it because he worked that morning. Uh...good to know. Can you imagine if I hadn't called him to confirm? I would have been waiting for him to arrive. And as time slowly passed, I would have been concerned for him. Then after a quick phone call, I would have learned that he forgot. Anger and frustration would have quickly replaced my initial concern. I would have been furious because he stood me up. Sigh. Anyway, I asked Jacob to let me know when he's available so we could meet. I haven't heard from him since. I'm disappointed, but what was I thinking? Things between us have changed. And as it is, my desire to reconnect with him no longer exists.

Now on to Sarah. I emailed her and she replied. She replied with inqueries of her own and asked that I timely respond. I did. And now that she's got the inside track on my life, I gather she feels no need to continue our correspondence. I haven't heard from her since my last reply. What is wrong with these people? At least have the decency to reply. Maybe I'm expecting too much from something that isn't there. Maybe I'm asking too much from someone who no longer cares. We all have our own lives to lead and the ties that once bound us to eachother have slackened, but at least I'm making an effort. I'm trying here. I'm reaching out. But I find myself at a standstill (yet again), and I think this is the final straw. I've tried. And now I'm done.

Thankfully, Autumn and I have reconnected. We even talked for a couple of hours last week, catching up on what's new in our respective lives. Autumn and I share a special bond. We can go a long while without any contact, and when we finally reconnect, it seems as if no time has passed at all. I love that about our friendship. Autumn is possibly my closest friend. We've been through so much together, both good and bad. Our friendship's been tried so many times, but we know where we stand in each other's lives. I thought I had lost her there for a while, but that goes to show how little faith I had in our friendship. Now I realize just how strong our bond is, and I hope that I never forget or take advantage of our friendship.

Sigh. Two strikes is better than three, I suppose.

Now on to the homefront. BB and I haven't been intimate with eachother for almost a month. It's embarassing to admit, but it's the truth. A sad one at that. I don't know what's wrong. She's never in the mood, and I always seem to be. She thinks that's all I want from her, and I believe she doesn't really desire me. It's disheartening. We didn't even make love while in San Francisco on vacation. Absolutely disheartening. Sigh. If and when we do make love, I don't want her to feel as if it's her duty. What I want and need is for her to want and need me. I yearn for that spark of passion we once shared.

Is it me? Am I simply out of luck?? ARGH!!!

You can stay and hope that things gets better. Or you can face reality and move on. Simply stated, the truth f*cking hurts.

Headway

Good news! They responded. Each and every one of them. Jacob and I also have plans to meet on Sunday for breakfast. I took BB's and Madonna's words to heart. I got over all the bullshit. Forgive and live. It feels good. I'm happy and proud of myself. Most of all, I'm grateful for the opportunity to renew my ties with old friends. Hopefully, the headway we've made thus far will inspire us to remain true friends through life.

First Attempt

I know, I know. It's been a while since my last post. In that time, BB and I vacationed in San Francisco and had a wonderful time. We enjoyed every minute of our vacation and were deeply saddened by the fact that it came to an end so soon. San Francisco is a great place. So much culture. So much to see and do. So much unlike the city we returned to. Sigh. All good things must come to an end, I suppose. Who knows. We may find ourselves living it up in San Francisco for good next year. I can only hope.

Anyway, I'm currently on a mission. I'm on a mission to exhume the friendships I once shared with a select few. These select individuals played key roles in my life, and recently, we've grown apart. We've drifted from eachother, and I hope to somehow grab on to what's left of our friendship. As a friend and someone who cares, I can only try. Thus, this is my first attempt. I've contacted them and now await a response. I wait in trepidation. Will they care to respond? Is there still hope? Can we turn back time and possibly start anew? I miss my friends. I miss them dearly. Many times have I thought back fondly on the memories we created, the not-so-good and the great alike. There are times when I wish I could call them just to chat, to share an idea, no matter how odd, or to simply vent about life's cruel joke. Sigh. Has too much time elapsed? Will my attempt be futile? I don't know. I surely hope not. I hope my attempt will work. I pray that I don't need a second one.

Farewell Attie

Atticus Maxwell Finch passed away yesterday afternoon. Attie, as we lovingly called him, was our beta. I remember when BB finally brought me to the pet store to purchase him. Attie was just a wee little thing, and I knew he was the one. He was feisty and downright mean at times, but he soon warmed up. BB warned me the other day that Attie's days were numbered, but I wouldn't hear of it. Not my Attie. He couldn't leave us. But he did. He wasn't looking or acting at all like himself, and although I noticed his deteriorating health, I denied that anything was really wrong. The morning of Attie's death, BB called me at work and told me that he seemed worse off. He hardly touched his food. I didn't want to believe it. When I got home that afternoon, I forgot to look in on him. Or maybe I just didn't want to see the truth with my own eyes. BB said he was still alive when I got home. But, an hour later, Attie was gone. He must have waited for me to arrive home before he went on his way. Sigh. I miss him already. BB said betas only last a year or so, but Attie lived with us for a little over two years. Those were good times.

Not much else to report, unless you consider the following newsworthy. BB and I are excited about and preparing for our San Francisco trip. However, the heightened security at the airports I can very well do without. It's awfully hot tonight. We spent the past week watching DVDs we borrowed at the library. Thank goodness for libraries! I took several random pictures on my new digital camera, but have yet to post them on flickr.com or anywhere. I guess now that my friends and I are no longer that close, I see no reason why I should share my world with them. If I do, I would feel like I'm bragging or something. Why would they care anyway? Jacob called earlier today and invited us to a get together at his home. Nothing special. He just wanted to try out his new BBQ grill. I told him we couldn't make it because BB works tonight. I would have gone by myself, but they live so far away. I don't feel up to a road trip right now anyway. I take that back. Even if BB didn't have to work tonight and I didn't mind the long drive, I wouldn't have gone. That's just the way it is. I think my brother's mad at me. We haven't really talked in so long. We've been communicating via e-mail. I've left him messages on his cell phone, but he's never returned my calls. I wonder what's up his ass. Maybe it's me. I'm the one with the problem. Anyway, that's about it, I guess.

Look back fondly on those who have gone before us.

Farewell Attie.

Imagine Me & You

BB and I saw Imagine Me & You the other night, and we both loved it! The film stars Piper Perabo and Lena Headey, whose characters fall in love at first sight. The catch? They fall in love as Piper's character is about to get married! Piper Perabo and Lena Headey have great chemistry, which is probably why I enjoyed this film and why it's so believable. Needless to say, Piper Perabo and Lena Headey are very beautiful. I think I have a slight crush on both women. Shhh! Don't tell BB. LoL Too late. She already knows and may be harboring her own crush. LoL It's a great romantic comedy, one which I will watch over and over again and add to my DVD collection.

Imagine me and you I do
I think about you day and night
It's only right
To think about the girl you love
And hold her tight
So happy together

If I should call you up invest a dime
And you say you belong to me
And ease my mind
Imagine how the world could be
So very fine
So happy together

I can see me lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me baby the skies'll be blue
For all my life

Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice
It had to be
The only one for me is you
And you for me
So happy together

I can see me lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me baby the skies'll be blue
For all my life

Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice
It had to be
The only one for me is you
And you for me
So happy together

Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice
It had to be
The only one for me is you
And you for me
So happy together

So happy together
How is the weather
So happy together
We're happy together
So happy together
Happy together
So happy together
So happy together

- "Happy Together"

by The Turtles

Here's to me and you, BB. We're so happy together.

Wow. I'm such a sap.

I believe in love at first sight. You should too.

Untimely Death

I'm wondering how and why friends change and friendships end. Am I to blame? Have I changed so much that I can't relate with anyone anymore? I look at my friends who have been with me since middle school and think of the memories we created together. Those were the days, days long gone. They are no more. I don't know how we got here, to this point where everything we once knew has changed and everything we once shared bears no importance. I didn't want this. I didn't want us to end. I didn't wish for our friendship's untimely death.

I can't help but think that maybe I am to blame. My priorities have changed. They changed when I met BB. My whole world changed then. I love every minute I spend with BB, and I don't regret a moment I chose BB over others. Maybe I pushed my friendships to the wayside, further than I should have. Maybe I felt at times that they weren't enough and were far too easily dispensable. Sigh. I'm to blame. I pushed too hard. Even when we fought, as we had so many times in the past, lately I've held on to grudges much longer than any true friend should have. And maybe that's because I've changed and the rules of the game have changed for me. I've become much more intolerant as I've grown older, and I don't want to be a part of the childish games we once played. Back and forth. Push and pull. That's all we did. Sometimes, we had fun. Other times, the drama became too much. And yet I miss everything and everyone. I don't think we'll ever make it back to that point in time before things fell apart. After all, we have our individual lives to lead. We have our significant others to consider. And we have our personal dramas to sort through. Alone. Sigh. We've matured so much and grown into the adults we couldn't wait to become. Through it all, we never figured that growing up would also mean growing apart.

So this is goodbye, I guess. Goodbye to the way we were and the friendships we shared. I feel awful, but there's nothing I can do. I can continue to reach out, but will you do the same? Everything's changed. We've changed. There's no going back. Maybe someday? I can only hope. But rest assured, I will never forget.

Know when to walk away.

Bright and Gaudy

I woke up at 8 a.m. and got ready to head out the door. I had to get my car smogged and renew my registration. That took up roughly an hour and a half of my precious time. Afterwards, I headed to the local library and perused the bookshelves. I love my trips to the library. I love the idea of so many books in one place, each of them there for my very own pleasure. I love books, whether they are classics, contemporary, or bland books. Every one of them is worth reading, even if it's simply reading the jacket. Like my fancy for thrift stores, you never know what you're going to find in a book. Books are my escape from the mundane life I lead.

On today's trip to the library, I borrowed The First Man by Albert Camus (one of my favorite authors), The Last Days of Dogtown by Anita Diamant (author of The Red Tent, a great book), After the Quake by Haruki Murakami (a great contemporary writer whose works include my fave, Sputnik Sweetheart), and The House of the Seven Gables by Nathaniel Hawthorne. I don't think I've ever read a Hawthorne book before, so I'm looking forward to that one. I've read a great many classics in my youth and have always been partial to classic literature, but recently I've been reaching out to new and contemporary authors and their works. Haruki Murakami is an excellent writer, as is Jeanette Winterson, author of The Passion. It's funny how I stumbled upon these authors. I owe it all to Ange, an Aussie whose love for books possibly rivaled my own.

BB & I are still working on a house we started last Thursday. The homeowners initially painted their home with vibrant (i.e., BRIGHT and GAUDY) colors. For example, they painted the living room, family room, dining room, and kitchen bright yellow. They also painted the guest bathroom lavender, the children's rooms brick red and purple, the master bedroom green, and the master bath light green. I'd like to know what they were thinking when they decided to paint their home with those colors in mind. They now live in Iowa and are trying to sell this home. Unfortunately, it's been on the market for a while now and their real estate agent confessed that a lot of potential buyers refused to even enter the home after setting sight on the very yellow living room. I don't blame them. I wouldn't buy this house too unless I got some sort of incentive. Anyway, we primed the entire house and painted it bonjour beige, which looks like mocha frap (at your local Starbucks) if not a shade darker. I love the new color. The house looks brand new. I'm sure it'll sell now that it won't blind potential buyers. Anyway, we're hoping to finish this project by Thursday. I really want BB & I to take a break from painting in order to spend quality time together. However, another real estate agent has two projects lined up for us. Sigh. I am very grateful, but physically drained. I may simply be lazy. I admit, I am lazy. Sometimes, I miss those days when I simply bummed around at home on my days off from Big Company. But, I'm doing all this because I love BB. You see, BB loves to paint, and I only want to see her happy. We also need the extra income.

Lucas is vacationing in Vermont next month. Jacob, on the other hand, won't be joining Lucas because he has to watch the dogs (or so he claims). I wonder if Jacob is planning another secret rendevous? The last time Lucas left to visit family in Vermont, Jacob strayed. When the cat's away, mice will play. I wonder if Lucas knows of Jacob's previous affair? I wonder if he trusts Jacob? If Lucas even suspected that Jacob could, would, or did cheat, I'm sure that Lucas wouldn't leave Jacob alone for even a week. Hmm...interesting. And thus I leave you with today's words of wisdom.

Trust your intuition. If your gut reacts, something fishy is lurking around the corner.

Work-Day Blues

Sabrina's getting the boot at work, and I'm sad. You see, Sabrina's a temp with ambition. She temps at Big Company for money, but yearns to be in the theater/entertainment industry. She's been with Big Company for over a year now and has had the relative freedom to pursue her passion (i.e., working on tv shows, stage productions). Unfortunately, our supervisor hired Sabrina's replacement today and informed Sabrina that her time with Big Company is coming to an end. However, a permanent co-worker is leaving Big Company at the end of this month, and Sabrina will most likely be with us until they find another replacement. The search may take a month or two. I'm optimistic. Sabrina's in the dumps because she'll have to look for a new job and because she really doesn't know what to do with her life. She's thinking of going back to school in NYC. I wholeheartedly agree. She's been wanting to visit and/or move to NYC since I've met her, and I feel that everyone should experience NYC at least once in their life. If you can't live there, at least take a week long vacation in NYC. It'll open up your eyes and possibly change your life. But I digress...So I'm bummed that Sabrina may no longer be with Big Company, but it was bound to happen sooner or later. Work won't be the same without her. It will be very dull and boring. No more talks about musicals, zombies, the supervisor stuck in the 80's, etc. Sigh. But she needs to leave Big Company once and for all and pursue her dreams. It's about that time.

Anyway, I purchased PS2 last week. I've been wanting to make that purchase for a long while now, but never had the will or funds to do so. I'm so late in the game when it comes to these kind of things. I've been playing Resident Evil 4, and it always freaks me out. I've managed to make it to the fourth level or so, but I don't have a memory card to save where I left off. Awful! I allow myself an hour or two on PS2 and then tear myself away from it. It's so addicting, and I can't afford to be caught up in all that nonsense. After all, I'm thirty. LoL Who am I kidding?! I suck at the game, and I hate having to start all over again. So I simply play for an hour or two until I'm too frustrated and angry to continue. Argh!

I've been meaning to end my blog posts with words of wisdom or something along those lines. So here goes.

Always side with the person who has the most ammo.

No, I'm not a gun toting, NRA card carrying redneck Republican! LoL And I don't condone guns and violence. At least not in real life. However, anything goes when playing Resident Evil 4 on PS2. Unlimited ammunition and a good aim are mighty high blessings, I tell you!

San Francisco, Here We Come!

It's official! We're heading west to San Francisco! Of course, it's only for a few days. But it's a long overdue vacation for BB and I. I purchased our vacation package this afternoon, and now I'm researching what to do in SF. I've been to SF once, and I only stayed two nights and two days. Mimi and I crammed the most obvious SF landmarks in two days. We had fun, but I wish we could have stayed longer. So here's my chance. BB's never been to SF, and she's excited that I finally buckled down and purchased our package. I'm excited too. There's a lot to do in SF and with five nights and six days (almost), we can accomplish a whole lot. So, the first thing I'm going to do is buy a book about SF on a budget or something. And I'll do research online. Maybe I can get AAA to send us a SF map and brochures. Hmm...that's a good idea. I'd really like to rent a car for a day or two and see the Redwood forest and Napa Valley. BB and I also want to spend time in The Castro district. Wow! I can't believe we're going! This is great!

It's freaking hot today. The heat wave is horrible. I wish it would rain really hard and non-stop for a few days. We need rain. I've been cooped up in the condo for the past two days, not wanting to step foot outside what with the terrible weather. I did manage to watch Three O'Clock High, which wasn't too bad or that great. It helped to kill time, I guess. My work week starts up again tomorrow, which isn't something I'm looking forward to. Although work is relatively easy and stress-free, I wish BB and I were financially well off to do things we'd love to do with relative freedom. As it is, we're chained to our jobs because we need them to stay afloat. Sigh. Maybe someday this will change, and the freedom we've always hoped for will be our way of life.

Blue Zen Found

To make a long story short, I found my Blue Zen after a week going crazy with worry. As suspected, J&R Music and Computer World sent my package to the wrong address (i.e., incorrect unit number). Fortunately, the alleged doorman who intercepted my package lives in my condo community and had the decency to call me (my number was on the address label) about the mix-up. Although I'm grateful that the doorman handed over my package, I'm a bit suspicious as to why it took him a week to inform me about same. Hmm...I wonder what his intentions were at the beginning, before I placed a tracer on my package. Did he think I was simply going to let my package go without a fight?! Did he really believe that he could keep my Blue Zen?! Argh! But I should be grateful that my Blue Zen is found. BB's enjoying it immensely. All's right with the world.

BB and I are planning a trip to San Francisco in August. We have the money to plan a week's getaway, but I'm hesitant about wasting our hard-earned money on such a trip. I know we deserve a vacation. This will be the only real vacation we'll have this year. BB's all for it and excited, but I can hardly muster any excitement because my frugal qualities are getting the best of me. I've discussed this with BB, and she doesn't understand why I'm feeling this way. We've earned quite a lot of money from our painting projects and can afford this vacation. We've even sacrificed our special days (i.e., birthdays) to work on same projects just to make a little extra on the side. We decided that sacrificing now would allow us to enjoy ourselves later. "Later" has finally arrived, and I'm unsure about our plans. I should just get on with it. We deserve this. We've worked so hard, and we need some time off away from this place. We need a break from real life. Sigh. That settles it. I'm going to book our vacation ASAP.

Watched The Pillowbook this afternoon. The film is quite strange and very perverse. I don't know whether I enjoyed it or not. I did find the human body as an object to write on quite interesting. Speaking of which, did I mention that we saw Bodies, The Exhibition? It was morbid, but entertaining. It gave me a new perspective on the human body, as did The Pillowbook. The human body is fascinating.

Mimi called a few days ago, informing me that she's four months pregnant. Wow. I believe she'd make a great mom. I'm happy for her and Marco. I need to send them a card or something. I can't believe how we're all growing and doing our own things. It seems like only yesterday that my friends and I were chatting it up over coffee or venting about professors and exams. It's strange that we were once so close and familiar, but now so far and different. I only wish the best for my friends and hope that despite the going ons in our respective lives, we will sometimes look back on eachother fondly and remember the ways our friendships enriched our lives. Sigh. I feel like crying.

Blue Zen Lost

First of all, UPS f*cking SUCKS! Why does UPS hire incompetent fools?! Hello! Mr. UPS driver! There is no fricking "doorman" in my gated condominium community, unless you call the first man you meet when you first enter the gates a "doorman" (er, gateman?! wtf!). You cannot go around passing off packages to any alleged "doorman" who doesn't exist and who isn't the intended recipient of said packages. We don't have doormen here in this city, you dumb bastard! How stupid can you be? How could you have simply left my Blue Zen with the "doorman" who isn't ME?!?! You stupid, stupid fool. I hope UPS realizes how incompetent you are and gives you the boot. But I'm sure another INCOMPETENT FOOL will take your place. Pay attention, you bastards! Use what's left of your pea-size brain to do what you're paid to do without any problems! Do your f*cking job, and do it right! UGH!

Needless to say, the Blue Zen I ordered for BB from a third-party seller (J&R Music and Computer World) through Amazon.com is lost. I blame the asinine actions of the UPS bastard, but now I'm beginning to wonder if J&R Music and Computer World is as much to blame. I have been a longtime patron of Amazon.com and have never encountered any problems with it in previous business transactions. That is, not until I decided to order the Blue Zen from J&R Music and Computer World through Amazon.com. Ugh. UPS better find my Blue Zen and apprehend the alleged doorman who accepted my package on my behalf without my knowledge or consent!

Finally, to the alleged doorman. HEY ASSHOLE! Yeah you! You deceitful person disguised as a doorman and running around accepting packages which aren't yours. You are in big trouble. You're a damn thief. UPS is going to hunt you down. I hope you suffer and cry shamelessly for mercy when you fall. You f*cking asshole!

In conclusion, I leave you with the following:

1. Blue Zen lost on July 6, 2006.

2. UPS and its incompetent employee directly contributed to the loss of my Blue Zen.

3. Beware of alleged doormen lurking in gated communities ready to pounce on your unsuspecting packages and claiming to be the intended recipient of same. Again, I wonder how STUPID that UPS bastard is?! What f*cking doorman?! There is no f*cking doorman, you asshole! I don't live in a f*cking hotel! I live in a condo community with unit numbers in plain sight!

4. I will never again order an item from Amazon.com and J&R Music and Computer World.

5. UPS f*ucking SUCKS the big one!

Thrift-Store Hopping

I woke up early this morning determined to make it to Goodwill on time. As you may have guessed, I'm partial to thrift stores and love perusing the aisles for used treasures. You never really know what you may find. So I buy second-hand goods. I'm a believer in recycled products. I'm also frugal (see prior post). Thrift stores are my thing. I must have really been in the mood for thrift-store shopping this morning because I arrived thirty minutes early. I forgot that Goodwill opens at 10 a.m. on Sundays. It was the perfect excuse for me to buy breakfast. After all, I needed to muster some energy to get me through the day. Today's sale featured 50% off furniture, 75% off linen, and 75% off anything metal. My kind of deals. I bought drapes for our dining room and a couple of accent throw pillows. I didn't find any furniture, so I left after an hour. However, BB arrived home earlier than usual, and we went back to the same thrift store. BB spotted a great side table for our bedroom, still perfectly packed in a box direct from Target. It cost us $12.50 with the sale. I also purchased a perfectly new messenger bag for work at a steal ($5.00). Wow. I thought for sure the bag would be gone when we returned, but no one picked it up. My lucky day. Afterwards, BB and I drove 20 minutes to another thrift store, where we purchased a sofa for $50 and matching coffee tables and end tables all for $50. The tables were from Target and were still in the box. We were really lucky today. However, when we arrived home, BB began to assemble the tables and noticed that the screws were missing. We drove to Lowe's and bought some screws, but it turns out that they're the wrong size. This is but one of the drawbacks to being thrifty. But it's a minor problem, and we still managed to save a lot of money. You should see our condo. Roughly 90% of our furniture and housewares are from local thrift stores. Yet, you would have never guessed that's the truth.

The Tony Awards are on tonight. I saw a performance of Sweeney Todd, and now I'm hooked. It's dark and morbid, right up my alley. If only more shows would come through our town.

Hmm...As I sit here and type, I notice how cluttered our desk is with books and magazines. We need a couple of bookshelves in our guest bedroom/office. I guess that's something to look for next time we go thrift-store hopping. Suddenly, I find myself flushed and excited.

Pink Zen

BB and I attended Jacob and Lucas's housewarming party on Thursday night. We arrived at their new home an hour late. It took us an hour to drive there. It felt like a mini-road trip. It was a mini-road trip. Jacob came out to greet us and gave me a big hug. I have to admit that I've missed him. Although I felt uncomfortable at first, it slowly subsided as Jacob and I reconnected. Jacob and Lucas were very hospitable and appeared genuinely happy to see us. Lucas took us on a tour of their new home, which is quite impressive. I loved their furniture, but frowned upon the fact that their master bedroom neither had a walk-in closet nor a large bathroom. It's a beautiful home nonetheless. After a Memphis barbecue dinner, Jacob and I had a chance to catch up on all that's happened. I discovered that he's currently on leave from the air force and is working at a retail store. I was disappointed and saddened by the fact that we had lost touch with one another. We used to be so close. But, as Jacob puts it, our priorities have changed. I agree. We've grown up and, in the process, have grown apart. Maybe someday, we'll find our way back to how it once was between us.

BB bought me a pink Creative Zen Nano Plus (1 GB) mp3 player for my birthday. She ordered it through Amazon.com, and I'm waiting impatiently for it. I've been wanting an mp3 player for so long, but never seriously thought about purchasing one. Probably because it's something I want, but don't exactly need. I guess I'm a bit...frugal. OK. I'll admit it. I'm cheap, although I prefer 'thrifty' instead, thank you. I'm the 'thrifty' one in our relationship. BB's gotten used to that aspect of me, but it's been difficult trying to persuade her to see things (i.e., money and the way we should spend it) through my eyes. Of course, BB has tried to reciprocate the process. And I'm slowly changing my views. Money is just money. It doesn't buy happiness (although it pays the bills). BB's motto is if we have the money, then we deserve to spend it any way we want. 'We only live once,' she says time and again. I absolutely agree. However, money doesn't come easy. We need to work hard for it. We have to earn it. My motto is to save for a rainy day, to be prepared just in case. Why buy at retail prices when you can buy at discounted prices? Why buy new when you can buy used? Why shop at Target when Goodwill is just as good, if not better? LoL I am frugal. But, I'm learning to balance my life. I'm learning to enjoy life and to splurge now and again, all the while maintaining a budget which will allow us to pay the bills and still have a few dollars left over to save for a rainy day. Hence, I'm going to enjoy my pink Zen without feeling the least bit guilty.

OMG! Marie's officially married! It's already 11:26 p.m. in New York. Marie and Gary were married today. Wow! I can't believe they finally tied the knot. I'm so happy for them! BB and I were supposed to attend their wedding, but we couldn't afford it. The tickets to New York alone would have cost a fortune. Although we couldn't go, we bought them a wedding gift from their registry. I hope they like it. I also hope and pray that they share a long, happy, and successful life together. Palakpakan!

Wicked

I trekked to the local library this morning. Unfortunately, the books I wanted to borrow were out, and I couldn't request them online at home because my library card had expired (the horror!). However, I picked up a few books while perusing through the library's massive and somewhat impressive book collection. I chose That Same Flower by Jostein Gaarder (who also wrote one of my favorites, Sophie's World), House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski, and The Plot to Save Socrates by Paul Levinson. The last book is a mystery, which isn't my cup of tea. However, the plot centers around Socrates and features other historical characters, which peaked my interest. If you get a chance, read Socrates Cafe by Christopher Phillips. It's thought-provoking and will have you questioning anything and everything to achieve a better understanding of matters.


I'm under a spell. I love Wicked, the musical. And I'm a fan of Idina Menzel. I may have mentioned this in a previous post, but I can't help it. Thanks to a friend, I saw Wicked firsthand. It's amazing! I hope it tours again sometime very soon. "For the first time, I feel wicked."




I'm currently listening to Madonna's "I Love New York". I wish I could have seen her Confessions tour. Instead, I'll have to wait paitiently for it to air on HBO or to be released on DVD. Check out www.madonna.com for all the latest news on her tour or simply to partake in a great site.

Uncomfortable

I'm listening to the New York Theatre Workshop version of RENT. A lot of Jonathan Larson's original lyrics and music were cut and edited, resulting in the version of RENT we've all come to know and love. The NYTW version is...unusual. I'm not used to this version. After listening to it, I understood why Jonathan Larson's original work was edited and cut back a great deal. There's just no way it would have been a success without the major editing.

Jacob invited BB and I to a housewarming party next week. We talked for a few minutes and then hung up. I felt uncomfortable talking to him over the phone after what transpired via our letters. I can only imagine how uncomfortable it'll be at the party. I'm really not looking forward to it, but we'll go because it's the right thing to do. I hate to think that Jacob believes I'm jealous about his new home and that that's the reason why we're no longer close. The last letter he wrote alluded to that. Granted, I'm a bit jealous, but that's not the reason why our friendship is on the rocks (see prior post). Who cares what he thinks. I'll go to the party and try to reconnect with him. And I'll be civil so long as Lucas does the same.

I still haven't received a reply from Autumn. I guess we're at a standstill once again.

On a lighter note, we received free furniture from BB's co-worker, who moved over the weekend. We received a loveseat and a leather recliner, both in pretty good condition. We also bought a 27" tv from the co-worker for $50, and it works like new! We're happy that we finally have furniture for the livingroom, and I'm anxious to get things in order. Thank goodness my weekend is finally here!

On a final note, Happy Birthday to my beautiful BB, who deserves all that her precious heart desires in life. I love you, baby!